Trump Signs Four Executive Orders in His Sleep

WASHINGTON – President Trump is in the zone. He’s come out of the gate at full speed during his first week in office. Following a flurry of executive orders that were needed to begin repairing the damage that was the Obama presidency, Trump is a dynamo. So much so, that House Speaker Paul Ryan announced the president signed four more executive orders in his sleep last night. It’s well known that the president only sleeps a few hours each night, and it doesn’t seem that even his down time slows…

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Women Granted Right to Wear Giant Vaginas After Women’s March

WASHINGTON – In a major victory for the rights of progressive women – women who demanded the right to walk around as giant vaginas in public after last weekend’s Women’s March, President Trump signed an executive order today, granting women the right to do just that. Many, many feminists paraded around in over-sized vaginas at the march, but many complain they can’t walk around at their child’s school, the grocery store, or the mall wearing their favorite costume. Now they can. And while no conservative woman in her right mind…

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Hollywhat? Liberal Meltdowns Will Entertain Americans For Years

HOLLYWOOD – As box office sales fall, and more Americans are staying home to watch TV, Hollywood is worrying what they can do to put cheeks in the seats in theaters nationwide. They can start by telling their entertainers to stop their political preaching to the public. Buuuuuuut….that’s not going to happen. So, as more and more former moviegoers make the choice to stop paying the super-rich, misguided crybabies their hard-earned money, a new star has emerged to entertain the rest of us. Enter the anti-Trump liberal meltdowns. In the…

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Women’s Marchers Name Michael Moore as Their Ideal Male

WASHINGTON – Michael Moore is just too good looking, too fit, too charming, and too smart for his own good. At the Women’s March to protest Donald Trump’s presidency in DC today, Moore was named “The Ideal Male” by millions of self-identifying females – most of whom admit that the stud is really the best they could ever hope to land, anyway. “Look at the queso dripping from the corners of his mouth while he speaks to us! And he smells like pepperoni. He’s a dreamboat,” said Mitzi Larken, a…

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MSNBC’s Chris Matthews Temporarily Paralyzed From Waist Down

WASHINGTON – Right around noon today, MSNBC commentator Chris Matthews lost all sensation in his lower body. Doctors who examined him this afternoon said Matthews is a little freaked out about the sudden paralysis, but they believe he should regain feeling in his legs slowly over the next few months. “It’s been well documented that Chris contracted a neurological disorder when President Obama won his election back in 2008. The tingling sensation he experienced when Mr. Obama appeared on TV, or made a speech, has been ongoing since then and…

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Young Boy Disses Obama on Last Night, Shouting “Screw Our President!” on Live TV

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WASHINGTON – As if President Obama didn’t feel lousy enough having to give up the presidency on Friday, a little racist white boy poured lighter fluid on Barack’s emotions by shouting “Screw our President!” while being interviewed on live TV. The interview took place at a protest for people who don’t know how to handle their emotions after November’s election. The little punk said he had just started a fire in the street “because he felt like it.” Obviously, his folks must have won the Parent of the Year award…

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Josh Earnest Gives Final Briefing as Obama’s Minister of Propaganda

WASHINGTON – It was a big day for 17 year-old White House Minister of Propaganda Josh Earnest, as he gave his final bullsh*t session to reporters today. President Obama even made a surprise visit to heap praise on the boy wonder. “Josh is a fine young man. And a damn good liar!” Obama told members of the press. “Many times when I was in a mess, I would sit in the Oval Office and watch on TV and marvel at the web of deceit he would weave for the American…

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Inauguration Disrupters Vow to Win Every Staring Contest to Protest Trump

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WASHINGTON – Just days ahead of Donald Trump’s inauguration, many anti-Trump activist groups are making threats about how they plan to protest and disrupt this weekend’s ceremonies. Many protesters know they may face arrest, bodily injury, or worse. But they don’t care. One of the most lethal tactics the protesters plan to employ is the staring contest. Thousands of members of activist organizations from Black Lives Matter to Planned Parenthood say they plan to launch a barrage of staring contests against police and other security personnel. Pookie Brown Jr., a…

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Liberals Turn to “Alexa” For Answers on Stopping Trump Inauguration

LOS ANGELES – Snowflake college students and Hollywood elites have so far come up empty in their attempts to stop next week’s inauguration. Now, they’re turning to their last resort as a way to stop Donald Trump from ever becoming our 45th President. Recounts, Hollywood celebrity videos, threats to riot, and even Rosie O’Donnell calling for martial law to be implemented, have not worked. The responsibility now lies with the wisdom of Amazon Echo’s “Alexa” to come up with a workable plan. Students, celebrities, and Democrats across the country have…

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2017 Golden Globes ‘After’ Pity Party Was Off the Hook!

HOLLY-WOE-IS-ME – At the 2017 Golden Globes Awards show, Meryl Streep gave the performance of a lifetime when she played Debbie Downer to great acclaim from the downtrodden audience. Most sat terrified, frozen in fear over the reality of an inevitable Trump administration. But the real fun came at the Globes’ ‘after’ pity parties. After what nearly all of the celebrities thought would be the happiest GG ceremony of their make-believe lives, celebrating the coming four years of a Hillary presidency, the low energy continued well into the early morning…

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