HGTV’s Flip or Flop Show’s Next Project: The Democratic Party

tarek

CALI – Due to the popularity of their house flipping show on HGTV, the network’s Flip or Flop stars, Tarek and Christina El Moussa, have been hired to see if they can take the lowly, dilapidated Democratic Party and turn it into something with a little curb appeal. “I was excited to get the chance to try this,” Christina said. “It’s going to take a ton of work though. This party is a mess. It’s outdated, neglected, and falling apart in so many places. You’re not going to just slap…

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World’s Top Witches Cast Spell on Trump and His Supporters

EASTWICK, RI – Friday night at midnight, some of the world’s leading witches gathered to cast a spell against President Donald Trump AND all of his supporters. They chanted and asked the dark forces they worship to banish Trump from office, and punish his supporters. The witches were lead by Nancy Pelosi, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, Ashley Judd, Gloria Steinem, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Elizabeth Warren. They asked for other witches to join them around the world in their quest to overturn the results of the last election. And to make sure…

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CNN Reports On Day 1 of CPAC: Ovens, Sacrifices, and Canned Hunts

MARYLAND – After the first day of big-name conservative speakers, and an extremely enthusiastic audience, the CPAC (Conservative Political Action Conference) is off to a scary start. In case you missed it, CNN has released their report on the event based on accounts provided by network reporters who attended the conference. “The annual convention of conservatives got underway today, with festivities that turned out to be every bit as horrifying as many had feared. Kellyanne Conway spoke to the crowd in the morning, sending chills through the conference as she…

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CNN Changing Name to ‘CNN Satire’ to Match Fake News Reputation

CNN

ATLANTA – Thanks to fake news pioneers Chris Cuomo, Brian Stelter, Don Lemon, Jake Tapper and others, CNN has decided to update it’s name to CNN SATIRE. The network believes the name change will better reflect the content of the product they’re pushing to the public these days. Network president Jeffrey Zucker said, “We here at CNN hate the term ‘fake news,’ especially when it is applied to us. So we feel that this way we can continue to crank out questionable material, combined with occasional facts, and when called…

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Mainstream Media Trying to Pick Up Pieces After Trump Thrashing

ATLANTA – In mainstream media offices across the country, numerous so-called “journalists” were dealing with the after effects of the bolt of lightning known as the Trump press conference that hit them all yesterday. Damage was widespread. At CNN: Jake Tapper, Wolf Blitzer and Don Lemon have started wearing rubber diapers because they pee themselves every time Donald Trump opens his mouth now. Reporter Jim Acosta is being evaluated for rabies after being seen foaming at the mouth following his smack down in front of the world yesterday. At MSNBC:…

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Reebok Honors Liz Warren With “Nevertheless, She Perspired” Shirt

Reebok

CANTON, MA – In case you missed it, last week on the floor of the US Senate, Mass. Senator Elizabeth Warren was chastised for rebuking fellow Senator Jeff Sessions in the lead up to his confirmation as the new Attorney General. The incident lead to local athletic manufacturer Reebok releasing a new t-shirt to show support for Warren. Her tormentor? Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. While Liz feels she was unfairly targeted, McConnell gave his explanation of what happened: “Senator Warren was droning on and on about some letter she…

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The Grumpys Awards Show Promises Lots of Trump Bashing, Some Music

grumpys

HOLLYWOOD – Many of us enjoyed watching The Grammys in our younger days, when the show was about the music. Sadly, that show has been replaced with The Grumpys. The Grumpys will air tonight so that social justice warriors, some who also sing and produce music, can air their political grievances. Since the rich and famous are smarter than the rest of us, the awards show will feature numerous rants about how stupid Donald Trump and his supporters are – with a few musical performances in between. The show is…

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9th Circuit Airlines to Start Flying Terrorists Into Country Tomorrow

SAN FRANCISCO – The crazy in this city is not confined to Nancy Pelosi. San Francisco will soon become the hub for America’s newest airline. 9th Circuit Airlines will begin flying refugees and terrorists from overseas into our country beginning immediately. The airline will begin by servicing Iran, Iraq, Sudan, Syria, Libya, Somalia, and Yemen – with hopes of flying into and out of North Korea and Pakistan in coming weeks. Judges on the 9th Circuit of Appeals wanted to get the airline going as soon as they screwed the…

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Senate Shuts Up Liz Warren for Violating Free Screech Rules

WASHINGTON – Senator Elizabeth “Angry Owl” Warren was told to shut up and sit down as she continued to screech about fellow Senator Jeff Sessions on the Senate floor last night. “Angry Owl” is Warren’s given Cherokee Indian name. Warren had been trash screeching Senator Sessions because she doesn’t want to see him get approved to become our next Attorney General. She was first warned that she was crossing a decorum line in the Senate chamber, at which point she turned her head completely around and freaked out those in…

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Black Lives Matter: “Most Racist Super Bowl Ever”

HOUSTON – Ever the ones to see race in every aspect of life, members of Black Lives Matter charged that this year’s Super Bowl was the most racist NFL championship game ever. They’re disgusted by the loss the Falcons suffered, and here’s why. Deray McKesson, a spokesperson for the group, said, “First of all, Tom Brady, and his team in white, beat the guys wearing black (helmets). That’s bad enough right there. The Patriots also know good and well that Atlanta has a high population of black brothers and sisters.…

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