The New Hillary Clinton – Rapper, Poet, Comedian

Clinton

SAN FRANCISCO – Speaking to a women’s business group yesterday, recently-freed-from-the-wilds Hillary Clinton workshopped her clever new mantra for 2017. She delighted the audience with jokes, rhymes, and card tricks (race card, sexist card, etc.). The highlight of the performance speech was when Hillary broke into a rap – accompanied by a sick beat – and unveiled her new empowering motto, titled “Resist, Insist, Persist, Enlist.” The women attending the speech thought it was the most profound thing they had ever heard.   Mrs. Clinton admitted she had worked on…

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Paul Ryan Even Screws Up Own Family’s Drive-Thru Order

Ryan

WISCONSIN – Fresh off bungling his party’s attempt at repealing Obamacare, House Speaker Paul Ryan had hoped to relax with his family this weekend and enjoy a drive in the country. But proving his embarrassing attempt at passing legislation wasn’t a one-off, Ryan couldn’t even get his family’s order right at a Taco Bell when they stopped for lunch. Ryan approached the drive-thru menu and speaker with his usual optimistic and confident facial expression. Halfway through the family’s order, however, it was obvious something was wrong. First, his kids changed…

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Republicans Gamble, Come Up Short on Healthcare

gamble

WASHINGTON – Republican lawmakers failed in their attempt to gamble with, and pass, new healthcare legislation today. The defeat was a big choke for Republican leadership, especially Speaker Paul Ryan. Ryan was clearly out of his league on this one. Soon after a vote was aborted, and the attempt to trash Obamacare was declared dead, President Trump spoke to the press about why he decided to pull the plug on the GOP plan, rather than continue to gamble on its passage. The transcript of his remarks are provided here: President…

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Fox News Says Judge Napolitano Benched for “Disturbingly Low Hairline”

NEW YORK – Sources at Fox News Channel are denying reports that popular legal analyst Judge Andrew Napolitano was suspended from the network because of comments he made regarding former President Obama using British assistance to wiretap President Trump last year. The reality, the sources insist, is much darker. They claim the judge was let go due to his “disturbingly low hairline.” “We overlooked this aspect of Judge Napolitano as long as we could. Don’t get me wrong, he’s brilliant, and a great guy, but he was scaring some of…

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Hillary Ready to Come Out of the Woods, End Hibernation

SCRANTON – Hillary Clinton, appearing disheveled and smelly, told a St. Patrick’s Day audience that she was ending her winter hibernation and was “ready to come out of the woods.” Mrs. Clinton has been sleeping in a cave for most of the winter, living off of stored body fat, and scavenging for food since shortly after her defeat to Donald Trump last fall. “I have a hard time watching the news, I’ll confess,” she said. “And by that, I mean I never could figure out how to get TV in…

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MSNBC’s Rachel’s MadNow to Write Book on ‘Virtues of Smugness’

NEW YORK – MSNBC anchor Rachel Maddow, alias Rachel’s MadNow, alias Harry Potter, blew the Trump tax return scandal wide open this week when he/she revealed secret info about the President’s 2005 returns. Secret info that was so unknown that the Wall Street Journal and others had reported it over a year ago. Rachel was very proud of itself. He/she promoted itself on Twitter to drum up ratings before its nightly show, and some speculate the incident was all part of MadNow’s scheme to get publicity for its new book,…

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Insightful “Reasons To Vote For Democrats” Tops Amazon Book Charts

NEW YORK – The literary world is buzzing this week over the publication of a book detailing the state of the Democratic Party. “Reasons To Vote For Democrats” is considered to be the most exhaustively researched and comprehensive look at why Democrats have been so successful lately. The book is a little different from most other books, since it basically contains no words or pictures. After the Table of Contents, the rest of the book is a hard look at the many ways Democrats put the interests of the American…

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Trump Sending B-52’s To South Korea

SEOUL – With North Korea’s crazy little boy leader flexing his military muscle recently by launching missiles toward Japan, the United States is sending in the big guns to show support for our allies in the region. President Trump has ordered rock group The B-52’s to South Korea immediately. “I just want them to Roam around near the demilitarized zone, along the Korean border,” Trump stated. “Kim Jong-un will be plenty nervous once he sees our B-52’s positioned so close to his country. That, I can assure you.” B-52 Fred…

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Why Can’t A Day Without Feminists Be Every Day?

On March 8, angry, bitter, attention-starved feminists will assemble in groups around the country to wallow in their misery. While normal women will be going about their lives, and taking care of their responsibilities, these feminists will be protesting. Why can’t #ADayWithoutFeminists be every day? Lord knows we could use the break! Maybe #ADayWithoutFeminists will be followed by #ADayWithoutWork, followed soon after by #AMonthWithoutPaychecks. This day will be a vacation for millions across the country. Half of America is still celebrating #4YearsWithoutAFeministPresident, so the 8th will just be icing on…

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Obama Memoir To Be Titled “Wiretap Dancing Around the Issues”

memoir

WASHINGTON – In what may be the biggest book deal bust in history, former wiretapper Barack Obama landed a deal for his memoir that will pay he and wife Michelle a reported $60 million for books from the two. Now we know what the working title for Mr. Obama’s memoir will be. “I thought ‘Wiretap Dancing Around the Issues‘ was a clever play on words, don’t you think?” Obama asked. “You know, wiretapping and tap dancing around the truth were two of my favorite things to do during my time…

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