Iran Accidentally Threatens Broward County Sheriff Scott Israel

TEHRAN – Hapless Florida sheriff Scott Israel, at the center of incompetence involved in failing to stop the Parkland school shooting recently, was surprised to receive a threat from Iran’s Supreme Leader on Twitter today. The Iranian government has now admitted it was a mistake. The nation’s leader, Ali Khamenei, said, “Our bad. We saw ‘Israel’ and it was force of habit. We tweeted to this Florida sheriff today, threatening him with total and utter annihilation and said we would wipe him from the face of the Earth, but we…

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Actress Jennifer Lawrence Starts Activism Career With #MyMiddleFinger

HOLLYWOOD – Actress Jennifer Lawrence has had it with you movie fans. She’s announced that she will be withholding her acting skills from the public until she’s finished beating you over the head with her progressive political views. Her initial entry into political activism is a new movement she calls #MyMiddleFinger. It’s her way of bringing Americans closer together. And progressive celebrities like Lawrence fully understand the power of hashtag activism. “#MyMiddleFinger is my way of connecting with the little people out there – especially those little bastards who voted…

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Get Your Fight On This Summer and Cruise On the Carnival Antifa

MIAMI – In the last few weeks, people on cruise ships have been fighting each other, and one woman even smacked a dude across the face with a wine bottle. Carnival Cruise Lines believes they’ve identified a niche in their industry that’s not being served. Introducing the Carnival Antifa, the cruise company’s latest addition to the Carnival fleet, a ship designed especially for the fascist, anti-fascist Antifa gang. You can fight to your heart’s content and go ape-wild on either 7 or 10-day cruises through the Gulf of Mexico, the…

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White House Shuts Down ‘Giant Amnesty’ Plan: No Giants Allowed

WASHINGTON – Saying America has enough problems already, White House spokesperson Sarah Sanders said today that having giants roaming the country is something the Trump administration will not stand for at this time. “President Trump is adamant that he will not sign any immigration bill that contains a ‘giant amnesty’ plan,” Sanders told reporters. “The president has 99 problems, but allowing giants into our country is not going to be one of them.” CNN’s Jim Acosta immediately asked if this decision made the president a “heightist,” and Sanders quickly made…

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MSNBC’s Joyless Reid: Term ‘Chain’ Migration Should Be Banned

NEW YORK – The woke, weekend MSNBC host of #AMJOY, Joy(less) Reid, said today that the term ‘chain’ migration should be banned because it is offensive to her. The term apparently triggers memories of Reid’s childhood, when she was brought to America, in chains, as a young slave. Joy, who described her own weekend show as “off the chain,” said she’s already voiced her hate for the term up the chain of command at MSNBC. Sadly, Joy herself is not very high on the political food chain. “I’ve sent a…

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Trump Blocks Democrats Memo Rebuttal Because It Sucks

memo

WASHINGTON – Saying it lacked a sense of imagination and read like it was written by a third grader, President Trump blocked the release of the Democratic rebuttal to the Republican memo on controversial FISA documents “because it sucks.” The announcement is the equivalent of being given your college research paper back from your professor and being told, “If you turn in trash like this again, I’ll have you dropped from this class.” The author of the memo, self-proclaimed ladies man Adam Schiff, was given a grade of D, with…

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Democrats Begging Tide for ‘Sour Cream and Onion’ Flavor Pods

Tide

NEW YORK – Despite warning labels telling consumers not to eat their product, people, mostly Democrats, continue to eat Procter & Gamble’s Tide Pod detergent pacs. The colorful pacs are becoming such a health issue that New York State legislators are demanding that the manufacturer stop making the pods so delicious looking. “Many of our citizens are not smart enough to know better than to eat Tide Pod detergent pacs,” a New York state representative who wished to remain anonymous declared. “Full disclosure here: I love the Spring Meadow scented…

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Lady Doritos? The Hell You Say

lady

PEPSICO HQ – Lady Doritos. No, it’s not the name of Kylie Jenner’s new baby. Or a new female lead on Game of Thrones. Or even the name of a stripper at your local gentleman’s club. It’s actually an idea rolling around in the head of the company’s CEO. Since 1985, every known object contained on the planet has become racist, sexist, or whatever in one way or another. We don’t know how it happened. It just did. And according to the female CEO of the chip maker, chicks don’t…

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Groundhog Sees Democrat, Predicts 7 More Years of Trump

groundhog

PUNXSUTAWNEY – Famous groundhog Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his burrow this morning, saw several Democrats, and predicted seven more years of president Trump. The groundhog said he was appalled by what he saw. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more bitter, hateful, and miserable group of people,” Phil said. “Normally, there’s some kind of reaction when I pop out each year to make my annual predictions. This time, I come out of my warm, cozy burrow, freezing my ass off I might add, and these people are sitting on…

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