NYT Flirts With Writing Factual Story, Won’t Commit Just Yet

NYT

NEW YORK – The New York Times, long known as “the newspaper of record (players)” in this country, is toying with the idea of using facts in their articles. The bold move is under review by upper management at press time. “Staff has been confused about this possible new approach, so we’ve brought in so-called journalistic experts to try to explain what changes this would entail,” a Times spokesman said. “I don’t know if it’ll take or not. It’s pretty drastic.” The paper has received significant backlash over its recent…

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Corn Pop And The Sugar Cereal Gang No Match For Badass Biden

DELAWARE – Joe Biden has lived quite a life in his own head. And he’s willing to share it with anyone who’s willing to listen. Finally, video has emerged that introduces America to the exploits of Badass Biden the Lifeguard and his nemesis Corn Pop and the Sugar Cereal Gang. As he tells it, Biden went all Baywatch in the early 1960’s at a community pool where he was a lifeguard. A player named Corn Pop wouldn’t obey when Joe ordered him to step off (the diving board). Words were…

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Beto: Gun Show Attendees Kindly Offered To Shove AR-15’s Up My Butt

AR-15

MERICA – 2020 lost cause Beto O’Rourke said in the latest Democratic debate that he was coming for your guns. In the 1 in 10,000,000,000 chance he were ever to become president of the United States, he would push for gun confiscation. When asked if he would institute a gun buyback program, the hapless candidate emphatically responded, “Hell yes, we’re going to take your AR-15, your AK-47.” To strengthen his position, O’Rourke said he attended a gun show recently in which people at the event told him they would gladly…

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Warren Or Hillary? Debate Rages Within Dem Party Over Who Is More Shrill

WASHINGTON – What’s worse than one shrill woman (Hillary Clinton)? Two shrill women. Elizabeth Warren is that other woman. And as the 2020 Democratic primary season heats up, rumors are flying that the two shrillettes are talking together behind the scenes. After all, for Warren, who better to seek advice from than the previous loser? Liz may just be asking for advice on which states to skip during a campaign run. But who is more shrill? The question is causing deep division within the party itself. Tom Perez, head of…

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Ailing Biden Looking For Van To Fall Into To Secure Dem Nomination

WASHINGTON – Frailty seems to be an attractive trait that Democrats look for in their presidential candidates. Just like Hillary Clinton in 2016, Joe Biden is falling apart before our eyes. Still, he continues to lead in the polls for 2020. Biden sported bloody eyes during CNN’s climate fairy tale town hall this week. The Babylon Bee even reported that Biden’s head fell off during his time onstage at the event. Now, that IS embarrassing. However, he continues to lead all candidates whose heads are still attached. One Biden aide…

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Root Canal Appts Skyrocket For Same Hours As CNN Climate Change Town Hall

CHICAGO – Dentists across the nation are reporting a huge influx of appointments for root canal procedures, with patients wanting to schedule during the same 7-hour period that CNN will be broadcasting a climate change town hall. Ten 2020 Democratic presidential hopefuls will numb viewers during the event. Bruce Weaver of the American Dental Association says he’s never seen anything like this. “We’re getting reports from all over the country that dentists are receiving tons of calls for root canal procedures specifically during the CNN climate show. People have already…

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Fearing Wrath Of Trump, Hurricane Diverts From Mar-A-Lago Path

Dorian

FLORIDA – Hurricane Dorian wants no part of President Trump. The powerful storm was churning right toward south Florida, and the “Winter White House,” when its projected path suddenly veered northward, avoiding the resort that the president frequents. “I was having a good time freaking out the entire state of Florida,” Dorian said, “When all of a sudden I looked ahead and realized I was heading straight for Mar-a-Lago! I said, ‘Oh Shit!’ and immediately changed my future path. I know this abrupt change of course will likely piss off…

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AOC Freaks At 3:30 AM After Climate Change Alarmist Clock Goes Off At Wrong Time

alarmist

WASHINGTON – Chalk it up to user error. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) mistakenly set her alarmist clock wrong and it startled her when it went off at 3:30 am instead of the usual 6:30 am. Cortez awakens each day to a climate change alarmist clock so she can begin each day worrying about climate change. “I screwed up the alarmist setting, just like I screwed up this mac n’ cheese,” she admitted. “I should probably stay out of the kitchen and off Instagram where I post my inane videos, but I…

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Beto Asks Supporters To Update Their Versions Of Him To 3.0

3.0

ARKANSAS – As he made the rounds at a local gun show, Democratic presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke began the third launch of himself to potential voters. He asked all of his supporters to please update their versions of him to the newest 3.0 version. “I’m hopeful that this version will be the one people want. The previous versions of me were glitchy, slow, and annoying. We’ve finished the Beto-testing on this latest version of me and I think people will find it more up to speed,” Beto explained while waving…

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Biden Blames Trump, Bourne Supremacy For Recent Mass Shootings

bourne

IOWA – Speaking to campaign crowds, former VP Joe Biden accused President Trump of being responsible for stoking Bourne supremacy with his rhetoric and inspiring two recent mass shootings in America. Many thought Biden meant “white supremacy” in his remarks, but this is Joe Biden we’re talking about. A reporter at the event questioned Obama’s vice president with this exchange: Reporter: Mr. Vice President, when you say ‘Bourne Supremacy’ do you mean to say ‘white supremacy?’ Biden: What did Jason Bourne do to everyone he didn’t like? Reporter: He killed…

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