Joe Biden: If I Were President, I’d Call In Those Starship Troopers To Put End To Riots

WASHINGTON – Joe Biden, the intellectual leader of the Democratic Party, doesn’t think President Trump is serious about ending the violence and rioting that has exploded in the wake of George Floyd’s murder. He disagrees with the step-by-step approach the president has taken. “If it were me,” Biden said, “I wouldn’t fool around with having cops and state troopers first, then adding the National Guard, then threatening to bring in the military. Man, I’d bring in those Starship Troopers right off the bat. Those guys that beat back the alien…

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NYC Mayor Hints Giving Gift Cards To Rioters Would Stop Them From Looting

gift cards

NEW YORK CITY – Bill de Blasio is New York City’s mayor. Yes, he’s a real piece of work. He consistently sets the standard for being weak, incompetent, lazy, and an appeaser. So, it’s no surprise that he doesn’t fault the criminals who’ve been looting his city for a week now. “Appeasing the wrong side is my trademark, ” de Blasio said Monday. “That’s why, instead of letting the NYPD do their job and put an end to the destruction these angry protesters have wrought on my town, I’ve got…

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Joe Biden Tells Looter: If You Don’t Vote For Me, You Ain’t A Looter

DELAWARE – Presidential candidate Joe Biden had a “properly-distanced” heart-to-heart with a rioter in Wilmington on Sunday. To show he was down for the struggle, Biden took a knee during the convo. He listened intently as the man spoke of injustices and pain that he and many others are feeling right now. The unknown man’s son was nearby and witnessed the exchange. Looter: Hey, man, you look just like us with your mask on. You gonna loot some liquor stores with us later tonight? Biden: Not today, man. Maybe another…

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Minneapolis Rioters: We’re Just Picking Up Our Looter Layaway Merchandise

looter layaway

MINNESOTA – They pillage and blunder when they get mad, but rioters in Minneapolis this week totally destroyed a Target Dept. store. The reason? They say they were picking up merchandise they had been keeping in the store’s “looter layaway” program. LaTonda Allen, a first-time looter from the area, said, “I’ve had my eye on this big ass TV for a long, long time now. But Target’s looter layaway policy states that merchandise can only be picked up after there’s been a crisis that can be exploited. We got that…

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#YouAintBlack? Biden Team Clarifies Comment: Meant To Say ‘You Ain’t Black Enough’

you ain't black

BIDEN’S BASEMENT – Democratic candidate for president Joe Biden opened his mouth yesterday. So Team Biden is in full damage control today. Joe let his racism spill out during an interview with Charlamagne Wishes He Was Tha God. Biden made the comment, “If you have a problem figuring out whether you’re for me or Trump, then you ain’t black.” The remark sparked a massive backlash on social media. Now, his campaign is trying to walk run the comment back. Biden adviser Symone Sanders claims Joe simply misspoke. “I asked Joe…

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Pelosi Slams ‘Morbidly Obese’ Trump, Praises ‘Former Victoria’s Secret Model’ Stacey Abrams

morbidly obese

WASHINGTON – It’s common knowledge that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi lives in her own little world. So it was no surprise this week when she slammed President Trump for being ‘morbidly obese.’ She then went on to praise the imaginary governor of Georgia, Stacey Abrams, for being the picture of good health. Abrams is being considered as a VP pick for Democrat Joe Biden. Pelosi thinks Abrams would be a fine choice for the position. “In total contrast to the president, Ms. Abrams is the epitome of fitness and good…

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Arrogant Prick Blasts Trump’s Virus Response For Not Being As Smooth As His Obamacare Website Debut

arrogant prick

WASHINGTON – During a virtual commencement speech to brainwashed students, an arrogant prick took veiled swipes at President Trump’s response to the coronavirus outbreak. “These folks in charge don’t know what they’re doing,” the arrogant prick told his audience. “Their response to the current pandemic has been weak, sloppy, and a model of inefficiency. Compare that to the flawless roll out of my Obamacare website during my first term. I, I, I, uh, I, I, uh, rest my case.” For those who might not remember, the Obamacare website launch was…

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NCAA: Gatorade Baths Out, But Players Can Dump Bucket Of Hand Sanitizer On Coaches

INDIANAPOLIS – It was fun while it lasted. Watching players on a winning team douse their coach with a huge bucket of Gatorade as time runs out is a staple in many sports. Sadly, all sports will be different when they return after the pandemic of 2020. Along with banning showers and spitting from the game, officials with the NCAA have announced some changes for the next college football season. Although Gatorade will still available for players to drink, it will be illegal for players to dump buckets of the…

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Justin Amash Sobers From 3-Week Bender, Cancels Imaginary Presidential Bid

Amash

MICHIGAN – Congressman Justin Amash has had a wild last three weeks. After beginning a 3-week long bender, he announced to the world that he was launching a bid for the presidency as a third-party candidate. Weeks later, he sobered up. “It was like a 3-week version of The Hangover movies,” a recovering Amash told reporters. “First, I was on an ego trip, then a power trip, then an acid trip, and finally I added alcohol to the mix. I’ve never been so ripped before.” Justin said as he was…

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Joe Biden Goes All In For Voting By Pony Express

HIS BASEMENT – Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden today heartily endorsed Nancy Pelosi’s proposed “cheat-by-mail” voting scam. Speaking from his basement, Joe said achieving voter fraud through the mail would be a huge boost to his party. Biden, often unsure of what year it is, said he had complete confidence in the Pony Express and their ability to deliver ballots to Washington on time. “Man, those boys can ride! And they wouldn’t stand for any hanky-panky with those ballots along the way” Democrats believe they can more easily commit voter…

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