Adam Schiff Adds Skullduggery, Chicanery To List Of Trump Impeachable Offenses

Adam

WASHINGTON – On the eve of his one-man impeachment show, Democrat Adam Schiff has added several new charges to his list of what could constitute impeachable offenses committed by President Trump. In addition to collusion, extortion, conspiracy, and bribery, Schiff has added “skullduggery” and “chicanery” as behaviors that he hopes will bring down the president. Asked if he truly believed the new charges rose to the level of being impeachable, he answered, “Impeachable offenses are what I dream up and say they are.” Schiff, who prides himself on being a…

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SNL Elizabeth Warren Now Leading Real Life Elizabeth Warren In Polls

Elizabeth

NEW YORK – Though she’s actually an actress, the Saturday Night Live version of Elizabeth Warren is now out-polling the real deal. SNL star Kate McKinnon appears to be a more relatable persona than the multi-ethnic senator from Massachusetts. In fact, the SNL version has reduced the former Indian squaw’s position in national polls for the 2020 Democratic nomination so much that the real Warren has slipped to 4th or 5th place in many polls. Here are the latest Zogby, Gallup, and Real Clear Politics averaged results, as of 11/5/2019:…

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After World Series, MLB Adopts ‘Open Carry’ Bat Rule For Home Runs

MLB

HOUSTON – In the wake of the Walgreen’s Nationals World Series win here, Major League Baseball (MLB) has adopted an open carry rule for batters who hit a home run. The new rule, known as the Bregman rule, will allow players to carry their bats with them all the way around the bases. Astros third-baseman Alex Bregman explained why he started the trend during the Series. “You know, I realized I can’t hit home runs without my bat, but I’m the one who gets all the applause and glory after…

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Dems Blast Trump For Killing Rather Than Impeaching Terrorist Al-Baghdadi

WASHINGTON – Impeachment fever remains high with Democrats. Even as President Trump told the world that ISIS founder Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi had his ticket to Hell punched by American forces, Democrats were unimpressed. “He didn’t need to kill the guy,” Nancy Pelosi stated. “Al-Baghdadi would have suffered a fate even worse than death if he had been impeached. You know, we could have censured him in the House or something, but killing him seems so harsh.” The Impeachment King himself, Adam Schiff, added, “Baghdadi was just trying to find his…

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Mitt Romney On Alter-Ego Pierre Delecto: I Wanted A Cool Nickname Like Beto

Delecto

UTAH – Beta-male Senator Mitt Romney has been busted for using a fake Twitter account to advance his anti-Trump efforts on social media. Is Romney a coward for doing this? Yes. Does Romney crave attention from the same establishment media that destroyed his presidential run in 2012? Yes. But Romney says the real reason is more innocent. “I just wanted a really, really cool nickname. Like ‘Beto,’ he explained. “I’m a beta-male, just like Beto, and being Pierre Delecto gives me the courage to say things online that I’m not…

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Felicity Huffman Begins Grueling Sentence At Federal Correctional Day Spa

Felicity

SAN FRANCISCO – Few hardened criminals come out the other side of a 14-day prison sentence without massive mental and emotional scars. Sometimes, the harm done is irreparable. So is the fear many have for actress Felicity Huffman as she disappeared behind the ivy covered walls of a super-min security day spa in Dublin, California this week. Starting with a strip search to make sure the actress isn’t smuggling Scantron bubble sheets into the prison, Felicity will feel uncomfortable. And there are a number of things to watch for when…

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Biden Threatens To Have Reporter Fired Within Six Hours For Ukraine Question

LOS ANGELES – While answering questions from reporters this weekend, 2020 Democratic candidate Joe Biden became irate when a question was asked about his Ukraine/Hunter Biden scandal. He immediately threatened the offending reporter with causing his employment termination within six hours if the reporter didn’t withdraw his question. A visibly pissed Biden reacted to the Ukraine question, saying, “Kiddo, I’m not gonna respond to that. Look, I make one phone call and I’ll have you fired within six hours. How dare you question my nepotism skills! You wanna walk back…

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Scientists Isolate Impeachment Gene In Democrats For First Time

gene

AUSTIN – Geneticists working at the University of Texas have finally located the impeachment gene that is carried by all Democrats. The breakthrough findings may one day help lead to a cure for what makes impeachment-obsessed Democrats so bat-shit crazy. Dr. Greg Zinter, a researcher at UT’s BioScience Dpt., explained the significance of the new discovery. “We’ve wondered what causes Democrats to throw logic, common sense, and facts out the window when they get the urge to impeach. Now, we have a better idea. It’s not that they’re necessarily brain…

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Democrats Reveal How Trump Whistleblower Complaint Originated

whistleblower

WASHINGTON – Everyone wants to know how details of a conversation between President Trump and a foreign leader were leaked through a whistleblower. The New York Times is now reporting that the information was given to Democrats through a complex chain of hearsay that went like this: The Times also said the above method mirrors the papers’ own procedure for making up stories and then citing “anonymous” sources. Democrat Nancy Pelosi would only tell reporters they were tipped off to the whistleblower complaint by a brave girl named Simone. And…

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Climate Teenager Greta Launches Barrage Of Disapproving Looks To Save Planet

Greta

NEW YORK – Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg has figured out that by firing off disapproving looks at weak-minded politicians, she can shame them into doing what she wants. She is deathly afraid of climate change, and there’s no end to the pouting she’ll do until it’s fixed. Those on the Left have elevated the teenager to near-Saint status just because they can’t bear to see the disappointment on her face due to their inability to save us all from bursting into flames in a few years. The young Swede…

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