Democrats Enter Insanity Plea in Lawsuit Against Trump, Russia, Wikileaks

WASHINGTON – In a political head-scratcher this week, the Democratic Party filed a lawsuit against President Trump’s 2016 campaign, the country of Russia, and Wikileaks. The suit accuses the three entities of colluding to make Hillary Clinton suck so bad that she lost the election. Shortly after filing the lawsuit, spearheaded by DNC chair Tom Perez, the party entered a plea of insanity for itself. Typically, a defendant would be the one entering an insanity plea in a case, but this is the Democratic Party of 2018. Perez said in…

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The James Comey Memos Translated

memos

WASHINGTON – Disgraced former FBI director James Comey’s memos, regarding his interactions with President Trump, were released to Congress today, and were soon after released to the media. The following is an un-redacted translation of one of those memos: Dear Diary, I wanted to put my thoughts from my dinner with the president tonight down on paper because I want to document the drama I created – and am now caught up in – like the emotional teenage girl that I am.  I sure hope these writings don’t come back…

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Trump Pardons Scooter Libby, Anyone Else Named Scooter

WASHINGTON – President Trump signed an open-ended pardon this week for former assistant to then Vice-President Dick Cheney, Lewis “Scooter” Libby, and anyone else who happens to be named Scooter. Libby allegedly blew the cover of some chick who worked for the CIA. The president said no one should have to go through life with the name Scooter. “I know it’s not his legal first name,” Trump said, “but that’s how everybody knows him. It would be one thing if you had a friend when you were five-years-old who everybody…

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Zuckerberg Promises Cheese To FB Users For Being His Experimental Rats

WASHINGTON – Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg told a congressional committee this week that he plans to offer pieces of cheese to all of his estimated two billion users as a reward for participating in his social media experiments. The move is seen as a way to appease Facebook users for the company’s recent breach of trust, as well as its ongoing attempt to shape public opinion to agree with the company’s left-leaning views on issues. “I sincerely apologize to our users who had to wait until now to get cheese,”…

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Mueller Probing Stormy Daniels, Russian Collusion Link

Robert Mueller has uncovered evidence that porn star Stormy Daniels had sexual collusion with five Russian men in a Moscow gangbang back in 2003. The rogue special council thinks some of this collusion may have rubbed off on Donald Trump during his sexual encounter with Daniels several years later. Mueller, and numerous attorneys on his investigative team, have repeatedly pumped Stormy for information on the possible link between she, Trump and Russian collusion. They say she’s been very open every time they’ve pressed her hard. An FBI forensics expert told…

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Immigration: Trump Ends Catch & Release, Enacts Tag ‘Em & Bag ‘Em Rule

WASHINGTON – President Trump signed an order this week that changes the way illegal aliens are treated if they’re caught trying to cross our southern border from Mexico. The president’s new ‘Tag ‘Em & Bag ‘Em’ program replaces immediately the ‘Catch & Release’ policy used by past administrations. Previously, Border Patrol agents were forced to release illegals they caught crossing the border, unless certain height and weight requirements of the detained were met. If the requirements were not met, or were exceeded for that day, Border Patrol personnel were forced…

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Conservatives Announce Boycott of Activist David Hogg’s Sponsors

FLORIDA – Annoying, gun control boy wonder, David Hogg, has launched a boycott movement against right-wing talk show host Laura Ingraham because she hurt his feelings. And since two can play that game, conservatives everywhere have decided to boycott companies who back David Hogg and his brand of bratty activism. The anti-Hogg boycott will hopefully end up shortening his 15 minutes of fame to 14. We’ve got your back, Laura. Conservatives will no longer be spending their hard-earned money on the following products/brands because of their Hogg ties: Summer’s Eve…

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Anderson Cooper: Top Buttons On Stormy Daniels’ Blouse Defied Laws of Physics

Stormy

NEW YORK – Millions of viewers to the 60 Minutes Stormy Daniels interview by CNN’s Anderson Cooper were riveted to their screens for one reason only, according to a deep dive into the ratings for the show: Would the top two buttons on Daniels’ blouse be able to maintain their structural integrity throughout the interview? Anderson Cooper admitted he was amazed by what he witnessed during his sit-down with the porn star. “There were definitely some laws of physics broken during our talk,” he said. “Throughout the entire interview, I…

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Now Facebook Caught Performing Colonoscopies on Users Without Permission

facebook

MENLO PARK – Social media giant Facebook has now been busted for performing colonoscopies and other invasive procedures on unsuspecting users, usually while they sleep or have passed out drunk. The platform has taken heat recently for abusing privacy laws as it tries to learn every detail of each user’s life. A whistleblower has come forward to reveal that Facebook has now crossed the line by going inside unaware users’ bodies, in an attempt to learn even more about each person’s existence. This has forced the founder to release a…

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Gun Activist David Hogg: Don’t Make Me Unleash MY Guns!

Hogg

WASHINGTON – During his speech at the “Students Are Gun Experts” (SAGE) – which also means wise, knowledgeable, or profound – rally here today, high school anti-Second Amendment activist David Hogg threatened lawmakers with his own brand of justice. “And to all those f***king politicians who would rather take blood money from the f***king NRA than protect school kids by banning all guns from everybody,” Hogg shouted, “don’t make me unleash MY f***kin’ guns! Have you seen my arms?! Trust me, that’s a fight you can’t win!!” The audience went…

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