Get Your Fight On This Summer and Cruise On the Carnival Antifa

MIAMI – In the last few weeks, people on cruise ships have been fighting each other, and one woman even smacked a dude across the face with a wine bottle. Carnival Cruise Lines believes they’ve identified a niche in their industry that’s not being served. Introducing the Carnival Antifa, the cruise company’s latest addition to the Carnival fleet, a ship designed especially for the fascist, anti-fascist Antifa gang. You can fight to your heart’s content and go ape-wild on either 7 or 10-day cruises through the Gulf of Mexico, the…

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White House Shuts Down ‘Giant Amnesty’ Plan: No Giants Allowed

WASHINGTON – Saying America has enough problems already, White House spokesperson Sarah Sanders said today that having giants roaming the country is something the Trump administration will not stand for at this time. “President Trump is adamant that he will not sign any immigration bill that contains a ‘giant amnesty’ plan,” Sanders told reporters. “The president has 99 problems, but allowing giants into our country is not going to be one of them.” CNN’s Jim Acosta immediately asked if this decision made the president a “heightist,” and Sanders quickly made…

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MSNBC’s Joyless Reid: Term ‘Chain’ Migration Should Be Banned

NEW YORK – The woke, weekend MSNBC host of #AMJOY, Joy(less) Reid, said today that the term ‘chain’ migration should be banned because it is offensive to her. The term apparently triggers memories of Reid’s childhood, when she was brought to America, in chains, as a young slave. Joy, who described her own weekend show as “off the chain,” said she’s already voiced her hate for the term up the chain of command at MSNBC. Sadly, Joy herself is not very high on the political food chain. “I’ve sent a…

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Trump Blocks Democrats Memo Rebuttal Because It Sucks


WASHINGTON – Saying it lacked a sense of imagination and read like it was written by a third grader, President Trump blocked the release of the Democratic rebuttal to the Republican memo on controversial FISA documents “because it sucks.” The announcement is the equivalent of being given your college research paper back from your professor and being told, “If you turn in trash like this again, I’ll have you dropped from this class.” The author of the memo, self-proclaimed ladies man Adam Schiff, was given a grade of D, with…

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Democrats Begging Tide for ‘Sour Cream and Onion’ Flavor Pods


NEW YORK – Despite warning labels telling consumers not to eat their product, people, mostly Democrats, continue to eat Procter & Gamble’s Tide Pod detergent pacs. The colorful pacs are becoming such a health issue that New York State legislators are demanding that the manufacturer stop making the pods so delicious looking. “Many of our citizens are not smart enough to know better than to eat Tide Pod detergent pacs,” a New York state representative who wished to remain anonymous declared. “Full disclosure here: I love the Spring Meadow scented…

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Lady Doritos? The Hell You Say


PEPSICO HQ – Lady Doritos. No, it’s not the name of Kylie Jenner’s new baby. Or a new female lead on Game of Thrones. Or even the name of a stripper at your local gentleman’s club. It’s actually an idea rolling around in the head of the company’s CEO. Since 1985, every known object contained on the planet has become racist, sexist, or whatever in one way or another. We don’t know how it happened. It just did. And according to the female CEO of the chip maker, chicks don’t…

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Groundhog Sees Democrat, Predicts 7 More Years of Trump


PUNXSUTAWNEY – Famous groundhog Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his burrow this morning, saw several Democrats, and predicted seven more years of president Trump. The groundhog said he was appalled by what he saw. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more bitter, hateful, and miserable group of people,” Phil said. “Normally, there’s some kind of reaction when I pop out each year to make my annual predictions. This time, I come out of my warm, cozy burrow, freezing my ass off I might add, and these people are sitting on…

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Trump Plans to Live-Tweet During His SOTU Speech


WASHINGTON – Following the reading of parts of Fire and Fury by Hillary Clinton at the Grammy’s this weekend, President Trump says he will live-tweet during his State of the Union speech Tuesday night. He said he plans to read excerpts from Hillary’s What Happened excuse book as well. When he’s not gesturing with his hands during his speech, he’ll be feverishly working his thumbs behind the podium to tweet about Jay-Z, Eminem, Joy Behar, Anna Navarro and many others. “I can maintain focus on letting the country know how…

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President Trump to Give State of The Onion Speech Tuesday

WASHINGTON – Next Tuesday, President Trump will give the American people an update on the state of the satirical website The Onion. The annual State of The Onion address will give the president an opportunity to explain the differences between satire and fake news. A number of Democrats in Congress have already announced their plans to boycott the president’s speech, citing their lack of a sense of humor as the main reason. Some media members, including Joe Scarborough and Mika, Joy Reid, Chris Matthews and the entire CNN lineup, will…

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Cecile Richards Plans to Abort Planned Parenthood From Herself

WASHINGTON – Deciding her position as president of Planned Parenthood has become an inconvenience to her, baby butcher Cecile Richards has decided to abort the organization in a ceremony in front of her fellow PP employees. Richards will have a scaled-down replica of a Planned Parenthood clinic shoved up her vagina, after which a PP abortion doctor will use forceps to crush the model of the clinic and extract the structure piece by piece through Richard’s nether region. The procedure will be televised to all PP clinics around the country…

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