Satan Claims Sexually Assaulted By Charles Manson First Day in Hell

HELL – Recently dead cult leader Charles Manson is making himself right at home in Hell. When he walked through the burning entrance yesterday, he told the demons at the gate that he got there as fast as he could. “Got held up about 50 years in prison,” he said. Still, he’s off to a rocky start with his boss. Apparently, Charles walked in like he owned the place. Satan claims that Manson sexually assaulted him as the two were posing for a selfie soon after Manson’s arrival. “That’s pretty…

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Perv Al Franken: The Video Was Funnier, Shows Me Saying Honk, Honk

MINNESOTA – Senator Al Franken, busted today for a photo showing him groping Leeann Tweeden in 2006 while she was sleeping on a flight back from the Middle East, says the public would get the joke if they could just see the video of the incident. “The photo alone makes me look really creepy and perverted,” Franken admitted, “But the video is what everybody needs to see. It’s much funnier. Right after the shot in the photo was taken, I said ‘honk, honk!’ as I squeezed my hands over her…

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Kaepernick to Protest Not Being Named 2017’s Sexiest Man Alive

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NEW YORK CITY – Popular gossip rag People Magazine is now being protested by former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick. Kaepernick believed he had the title in the bag this year, when the magazine had the nerve to award the “Sexiest Man Alive” title to a white guy instead – The Voice’s Blake Shelton. “This is bullsh*t,” a jilted Colin said. “I just took GQ Magazine’s ‘Citizen of the Year’ award the other day, so this one should have been a no-brainer. I mean, look at me! Is it the ‘fro?…

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Dems Offer Reward For Anyone Finding Their Moral Authority

WASHINGTON – Democratic Party chair Tom Perez has posted an ad in the DC classifieds offering a reward to anyone who knows the whereabouts of the party’s moral authority. Unaware that Democrats lost their moral authority during the Clinton-Lewinsky years of the 1990’s, Perez is hoping someone out there can shed light on its current location. “I’m actually a little embarrassed,” Perez admitted. “We’ve been acting holier than thou when we slam Republicans about their alleged scandals, while looking the other way at misdeeds committed by our own, but I…

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Progressives Detail Guilty Gun’s Timeline in Texas Church Mass Shooting

TWITTERVERSE – The nation’s progressives have determined exactly what caused the tragic mass shooting by an AR-15 in a small Texas town on Sunday. Twenty-six innocents were killed when the gun went berserk and shot up a church in Sutherland Springs, Texas, with dozens more left injured. According to the country’s oracles and keepers of all knowledge, liberal progressives, here is the timeline of the deadly attack: 9:55 am – AR-15 decided today was the day to kill. Gun owner Devin Kelley was startled to awake with the gun pointing…

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President Trump Embarks on Journey to Explore Aja

AIR FORCE ONE – As President Trump heads to the ‘ring of fire’ region of the world, he explained the reasons for his first official trip to the Far East. Trump has always had an affinity for Steely Dan’s Aja (pronounced Asia), and he really wants to delve deeper into the significance of the 1977 album. “I’ve always loved Aja. Heck of an album. Did you know the late great Phil Hartman designed the album cover?” the president asked. “I really love the fusion of jazz, pop and rock those…

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Hillary Hurt Again After Falling Down Most Powerful Women’s List

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NEW YORK – Forbes magazine has published their latest list of the world’s most powerful women, and it saw the once invincible Hillary Clinton tumble and hurt herself again. Mrs. Clinton, the most accident prone candidate in modern political history, of course, had her own version of what caused her to crash and burn. “I was skateboarding down the banister while slamming down my third frappuccino,” Clinton explained, “When one of my wheels slid off the rails and I fell a long way down. I had been near the top…

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Hollywood Asks: Let’s Make This Easier, Who HASN’T Been Sexually Assaulted?

HOLLYWOOD – Overwhelmed by the daily revelations of more victims speaking out about their experiences at the hands of sexual predators in the cesspool that is Hollywood, the community is now collectively asking, “Let’s make this easier…..who hasn’t been sexually assaulted in Hollywood?” Several high-level talent scouts and producers gathered together and seem to agree that releasing the names of those who have not been the victims of sexual harassment or rape would bore the public and be better for the entertainment capitol’s public image. One music producer said, “You…

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Dodgers Gather on Mound to Discuss Yuli Gurriel’s Cultural Gesture

HOUSTON – The Los Angeles Dodgers were thrown off their game in the third game of the 2017 World Series in Houston. After hitting a home run early in the game, Houston Astros first baseman Yuli Gurriel appeared to make what many with a delicate nature consider to be a racist gesture. Yuli pulled the skin back on the sides of his eyes with his fingers for a brief moment, making fun of the shape of Asian eyes. Soon after, Dodgers infielders met at the pitcher’s mound, gloves over mouths,…

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CNN Unveils New Slogan With “Fruits First” Ad

ATLANTA – Tired of being embarrassed by President Trump over their inability to report unbiased truth, CNN has decided to embarrass themselves. The network has released an ad campaign featuring what they feel pretty strongly is an apple, called “Fruits First.” The ad caught many in the media off guard, unsure why CNN is so adamant about fruit. The ad begins with the picture of an apple, with the words “This is an apple” under it. The ad goes on to insist the object pictured is not a banana –…

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