CNN Reports On Day 1 of CPAC: Ovens, Sacrifices, and Canned Hunts

MARYLAND – After the first day of big-name conservative speakers, and an extremely enthusiastic audience, the CPAC (Conservative Political Action Conference) is off to a scary start. In case you missed it, CNN has released their report on the event based on accounts provided by network reporters who attended the conference.

“The annual convention of conservatives got underway today, with festivities that turned out to be every bit as horrifying as many had feared. Kellyanne Conway spoke to the crowd in the morning, sending chills through the conference as she confirmed the Trump administration is going to do everything they can to deliver on all of the promises made on the campaign trail. Conway then shot lasers out of her eyes, indiscriminately targeting members of the media, before being dragged back into her cage. Three of our colleagues were killed in the demonic attack. They will be missed.

“A little later, Ted Cruz and radio talk show host Mark Levin talked to the audience about the Republican Party’s plans to begin the practice of canned hunts for illegals in Texas next month. Canned hunts are controlled events where the prey (illegal aliens) are confined to a smaller area, increasing the odds of a successful hunt for the rich, white guys.

“But the highlight of the day came when Trump adviser Steve Bannon showed off the newest, high tech ovens that President Trump will begin using very soon to incinerate as many Democrats as he can round up – starting with members of the mainstream media!

“The crazed crowd got a twofer when White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus joined Bannon on stage, and the two performed the human sacrifice of a member of the LGBTQ+LMNOP community, before devouring the victim’s organs. The stage spilled over with blood before the two madmen left the stage.

“We don’t know how the country can survive this presidency. Below, several pictures feature some of the evil that were on display today. For “fake news” accounts of CPAC, CNN recommends viewers go to any of our competitors for their warped accounts on the gathering.”

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2 Thoughts to “CNN Reports On Day 1 of CPAC: Ovens, Sacrifices, and Canned Hunts

  1. Geez…I’m kinda sorry I missed it!

    1. E. Williams

      Same here. Maybe next year?

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