CNN Raises $45 Million for Hillary in July Alone

ATLANTA – Financial reports released today reveal that CNN raised almost $50 million dollars for the Hillary Clinton campaign during the month of July alone. The figures represented amounts donated directly by CNN anchors, as well as the value of free pro-Clinton advertising, covering for her many missteps (literally), and complimentary damage control.

Morning anchor Carol Costello, widely known as the dumbest CNN personality, gave Hillary the most when she forfeited her entire 2016 salary of $900,000 to the Clinton campaign. Chris Cuomo, Alisyn Camerota, and Ashleigh Banfield each gave a cool half-million to Hillary to show their impartiality this election season.

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Anchors Don Lemon, Brooke Baldwin, and Anderson Cooper each donated in the $200,000 range. Cooper also swore he would not host the Times Square New Year’s Eve special if Hillary lost the election.

Christiane Amanpour gave the campaign an undisclosed amount in Euros, to add to the hundreds of millions in foreign donations the campaign has taken in to help Clinton. Wolf Blitzer only donated $50, but promised to lend his dancing skills to any election night celebrations that might take place, just like he did on the final night of the DNC convention.

Jake Tapper, so he wouldn’t be treated like the black sheep of the network, gave $1 to the Clinton campaign, saying, “I still think she’s lying about those emails.”

In non-CNN related news, President Obama had another $400 million flown in on pallets, in an unmarked plane in the dead of night, to add to Hillary’s stash.

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  1. Rich Hoffer August 9, 2016 at 7:59 AM -

    Wow! It’s hard to believe that network on anything. Next thing you’re going to tell me is they are going to be searching for a stair-climber for Hillary to practice on!

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