PHILLY – For those who may have missed the splendor of the Democratic National Convention, here is a recap of highlights from the event:
- The convention was kicked off on Monday with a partial-birth abortion on the stage. The unknown baby was sacrificed to the election gods as Planned Parenthood’s Cecile Richards and delegates danced and chanted, hoping (but not praying) the gods will smile on their candidate on November 8.
- Many in attendance were distressed over emails made public by WikiLeaks, showing Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, and others within the DNC, intentionally undermined the Bernie movement every step of the way to protect Hillary Clinton. This marks the first time Democrats have ever cared about emails.
- Debbie Wasserman was canned, after which she took an honorary position with the Clinton campaign. Bernie-bots are upset.
- Bernie Sanders sold out, Elizabeth Warren proved why she’s not a comedian, and Michelle Obama promised to return to hating America if Hillary does not win.
- Bill Clinton describes Hillary and their life together – all the way from her immaculate conception to her “change-maker” deeds that put Mother Teresa to shame, to her elevation to sainthood Thursday evening.
- Bernie-bots are still upset.
- VP pick Tim Kaine became the newest cure for insomnia and Joe Biden brought the house down when he shouted his trademark word “Melarkey.” He’s too cool for words.
- President Obama did what he does best – read off a teleprompter and blow smoke up the country’s ass by giving us a bunch of okie-doke, telling us the reality we see in the world around us is incorrect. He reminded everyone that he’s Superman and he has made the world better in every way. (Trivia fact: Obama is the first president to govern for two terms without making a single mistake!)
- After Obama endorsed Hillary, she came out to hug him and they congratulated each other for keeping the other out of legal trouble all these years.
- Bernie-bots still can’t catch a break.
- In a setback for womanhood, Hillary accepted her party’s nomination. She proves to girls and women everywhere that if you lie, cheat, and threaten your opponents well enough, for long enough, and if you make friends with people who will allow you to live above the law, you too can be president.
- All TV personnel for CNN and MSNBC are unable to broadcast for a while, due to their orgasms over successfully carrying Hillary across the finish line.
- The convention closes with another partial-birth abortion sacrifice on stage and delegates party as condoms and birth control pills drop from the ceiling of the arena.
- Satan seems pleased with the way the convention went.
- Bernie-bots are the only ones not pleased.