Kaepernick to Protest Not Being Named 2017’s Sexiest Man Alive

sexiest

NEW YORK CITY – Popular gossip rag People Magazine is now being protested by former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick. Kaepernick believed he had the title in the bag this year, when the magazine had the nerve to award the “Sexiest Man Alive” title to a white guy instead – The Voice’s Blake Shelton. “This is bullsh*t,” a jilted Colin said. “I just took GQ Magazine’s ‘Citizen of the Year’ award the other day, so this one should have been a no-brainer. I mean, look at me! Is it the ‘fro?…

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Hollywood Asks: Let’s Make This Easier, Who HASN’T Been Sexually Assaulted?

HOLLYWOOD – Overwhelmed by the daily revelations of more victims speaking out about their experiences at the hands of sexual predators in the cesspool that is Hollywood, the community is now collectively asking, “Let’s make this easier…..who hasn’t been sexually assaulted in Hollywood?” Several high-level talent scouts and producers gathered together and seem to agree that releasing the names of those who have not been the victims of sexual harassment or rape would bore the public and be better for the entertainment capitol’s public image. One music producer said, “You…

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CNN Unveils New Slogan With “Fruits First” Ad

ATLANTA – Tired of being embarrassed by President Trump over their inability to report unbiased truth, CNN has decided to embarrass themselves. The network has released an ad campaign featuring what they feel pretty strongly is an apple, called “Fruits First.” The ad caught many in the media off guard, unsure why CNN is so adamant about fruit. The ad begins with the picture of an apple, with the words “This is an apple” under it. The ad goes on to insist the object pictured is not a banana –…

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Hollywood Relieved After Weinstein Completes Grueling One-Week Rehab

HOLLYWOOD – Actors, actresses, and former sexual assault victims of his all breathed a collective sigh of relief after hearing that disgraced movie producer and rapist Harvey Weinstein had wrapped up his sex rehab therapy in just one week. That ought to do it. Producer Jeffrey Katzenberg told Hollywood Reporter, “I’m extremely relieved that Harvey finally got the week of therapy he’s needed for so long, to teach him that women are not his playthings. Normally, his rehab program would have taken 3 months, but, you know, we edit everything…

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Harvey Weinstein Financing Sci-Fi Movie “Alien vs. Sexual Predator”

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HOLLYWOOD – Known in Tinseltown as “the biggest elephant in the room,” movie mogul Harvey Weinstein has announced that he is personally financing his next project. The latest installment in the Alien saga, Alien vs. Sexual Predator, will also be written by Weinstein himself. “I would love to play the sexual predator role myself,” Harvey told us. “I don’t want to give everything away, but I’m envisioning a crew of really hot, female astronauts who find themselves in an unfamiliar world where they’re being hunted by a sexual predator, and…

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Jimmy Kimmel Graduates From Chuck Schumer School of Fake Crying

LOS ANGELES – Late night host Jimmy Kimmel has graduated from the Chuck Schumer School of Emotional Acting and Fake Crying. Kimmel completed his studies with a final exam performance on his show last night, using the Las Vegas mass shooting tragedy to promote gun control. Senator Chuck Schumer founded the school several years ago as a way to teach progressives how to use their emotions, platforms, and fame to push issues near and dear to democratic causes. Kimmel had jumped to the head of his class with several performances…

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MSNBC’s Lawrence O’Donnell Hates Hammer Time, Hip Hop Music

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NEW YORK – MSNBC anchor Lawrence O’Donnell turned into The Hulk during commercial breaks of his show this week, due to MC Hammer showing up in the studio next door for a performance. Reportedly, O’Donnell was angry about MC not agreeing to appear on his show that night. The seemingly mild-mannered Lawrence was asked whether he hates all hip hop music, or just MC Hammer and his songs. He answered, “Son of a b*tch, that music *#%$* @*!!*&!, ^^#*%& and that +^$$#* @!&%$$ MC &%(**$@*!!!.” Here is a video clip…

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Jennifer Lawrence’s “Mother!” Bombs So Badly Sequel Already Announced

HOLLYWOOD – Paramount Pictures has announced the Jennifer Lawrence (J.Law) movie mother! (stylized with a lower-case m) has performed so poorly at the box office that the studio just has to make another one. The sequel, tentatively scheduled for a 2019 release date, will be titled mother! f*cker! The sequel title is a nod to the reactions of both Paramount executives and Lawrence when they saw opening weekend numbers for the flop. For Lawrence, the blame for the dismal attendance to the movie can be pinned on one person – President Trump.…

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Late Show’s Stephen Colbert Comes Out as Nazi

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NEW YORK – Late night television host Stephen Colbert shocked the entertainment world last night when he came out as a Nazi during his show. The Late Show comedian was in the middle of his monologue when he suddenly gave a Nazi salute. Colbert later explained his actions. “Look, I’ve long felt that progressives were a superior people to conservatives. And, if I could, I’d round up all conservatives and republicans, put them on trains, and send them off to the ovens. My good friend Chelsea Handler has even told…

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Pink Floyd Pens Children’s Bedtime Book: Dark Side of the Mattress

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After decades of churning out original, trippy, bizarre and beautiful music, and selling gazillions of albums, Pink Floyd have announced they intend to release a children’s book this fall. Titled Dark Side of the Mattress, the book promises to break new ground in the young children’s genre. The group felt they needed to shake things up and take a break from the studio. David Gilmour, guitarist and co-lead vocalist of the popular band said, “It’s a chapter book, and has several chapter names that parents who were fans of our…

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