TBS’s Samantha Cee-Word Learns a New Big Word

Samantha

NEW YORK CITY – Unfunny Full Frontal show host Samantha Bee/Cee (depending on whether she’s being a Bee-otch or a C–t that day) learned a new, big word yesterday. She immediately used her TBS show to workshop the latest addition to her limited vocabulary. She used the term “feckless c–t” to describe Ivanka Trump during an immigration rant. “I had never heard the word ‘feckless’ until it showed up on my cue cards,” Samantha admitted today. “We have some really smart writers on our show. It’s a perfect word to…

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Roseanne Lands Role In Next Planet of the Apes Reboot

LOS ANGELES – Fired sitcom actress Roseanne Barr already has an upcoming gig. The comedian had her show on ABC cancelled after going on an Ambien-fueled Twitter rant in which she referred to Obama sidekick Valerie Jarrett as the potential offspring of a Muslim Brotherhood and Planet of the Apes coupling. However, the firing of Roseanne has freed her up to accept new roles, including a lead character in the next installment of the Planet of the Apes saga. The next film, which will start pre-production in late 2018, is…

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Anderson Cooper: Top Buttons On Stormy Daniels’ Blouse Defied Laws of Physics

Stormy

NEW YORK – Millions of viewers to the 60 Minutes Stormy Daniels interview by CNN’s Anderson Cooper were riveted to their screens for one reason only, according to a deep dive into the ratings for the show: Would the top two buttons on Daniels’ blouse be able to maintain their structural integrity throughout the interview? Anderson Cooper admitted he was amazed by what he witnessed during his sit-down with the porn star. “There were definitely some laws of physics broken during our talk,” he said. “Throughout the entire interview, I…

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Actress Jennifer Lawrence Starts Activism Career With #MyMiddleFinger

HOLLYWOOD – Actress Jennifer Lawrence has had it with you movie fans. She’s announced that she will be withholding her acting skills from the public until she’s finished beating you over the head with her progressive political views. Her initial entry into political activism is a new movement she calls #MyMiddleFinger. It’s her way of bringing Americans closer together. And progressive celebrities like Lawrence fully understand the power of hashtag activism. “#MyMiddleFinger is my way of connecting with the little people out there – especially those little bastards who voted…

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Black Dresses Newest Defense Weapon Against Sexual Assault

dresses

LOS ANGELES – Following the success of Hollywood actresses at the Golden Globes Awards show last weekend putting an end to sexual harassment, self-defense experts are urging all women to wear black dresses whenever they leave the house as the latest way to ward off potential assaults. “If you’ll notice,” Consuela Jackson of Beverly Hills Jiu-Jitsu Club remarked, “There was not one single rape or sexual assault of any of the actresses who wore black dresses to The Globes the other night. I think that speaks volumes.” Most experts are…

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Hallmark Channel Promises to “De-Whiten” Christmas Movies

Hallmark

Regardless of the subject, unless all races, sexes, nationalities, and religions are presented in proper proportions, the American left is going to lose their minds. This year they’ve targeted The Hallmark Channel, whining that their Christmas movies are “too white.” Obviously, this makes each movie unwatchable to anyone who’s not a white heterosexual. Titles such as Enchanted Christmas, Marry Me at Christmas, Christmas Getaway, A Gift to Remember, and The Mistletoe Inn are triggering social justice TV viewers because of their white, hetero cast of characters. Bowing to pressure, The Hallmark…

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Amid Allegations, Dustin Hoffman Banned From Ever Making Alabama Senate Run

MONTGOMERY – Civic leaders throughout Alabama are reacting tonight to allegations of sexual misconduct by Hollywood actor Dustin Hoffman, who is being accused of making unwanted sexual advances to several young women – including one who was a teenager at the time. The charges mean that Hoffman, 80, will never be allowed to run for an Alabama senate seat, no matter how badly he might want to. Newly-elected senator Dougie Jones said the state cannot handle another Roy Moore fiasco. State politicians admitted they’ll have to keep a sharp eye…

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Matt Lauer’s Desk, Trap Door Button to Rid Office of Unattractive Females

NEW YORK – When you’re God’s gift to women, you’ve got to be ready at all times. NBC’s latest sex fiend, Matt Lauer, was always ready for action. In the wake of revelations yesterday that the network’s money man has been abusing women and flying his freak flag for years, it was revealed that the star had a button behind his desk for sinister reasons. It turns out that Matt’s desk was his ‘control and command center’ for handling women in “Lauer’s lair.” If an attractive woman was summoned to…

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Entertainment Industry Announces 2018 Grabby Nominations

HOLLYWOOD – Awards seasons is starting in earnest this time of year, as entertainers get ready to gather and pat each other on the back(sides) for their work this year. Today, the industry announced nominations for the 2018 Grabby’s. This year’s awards were open to politicians for the first time as well. Harvey Weinstein will be honored with a Lifetime Achievement Award from his peers. The award will pay tribute to the decades of tireless work behind the scenes that Weinstein has spent exploiting women and abusing his position of…

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Kaepernick to Protest Not Being Named 2017’s Sexiest Man Alive

sexiest

NEW YORK CITY – Popular gossip rag People Magazine is now being protested by former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick. Kaepernick believed he had the title in the bag this year, when the magazine had the nerve to award the “Sexiest Man Alive” title to a white guy instead – The Voice’s Blake Shelton. “This is bullsh*t,” a jilted Colin said. “I just took GQ Magazine’s ‘Citizen of the Year’ award the other day, so this one should have been a no-brainer. I mean, look at me! Is it the ‘fro?…

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