CALIFORNIA – When you have a hard time dealing with reality, what do you do? Human nature is to try to learn to deal with whatever the problem is. But if you’re a progressive, college liberal, or low-info Democrat, that strategy is not going to work for you.
Thus, the professional cuddling and the professional spooning industries have emerged to help those who need extra comforting. And business is booming during the Trump presidency. There is trouble in paradise though, as the competing businesses fight it out for snowflake dollars.
Gavin Whitley, owner of Rainbows and Spoonicorns, explained the comforting climate this way: “Spooning, also known as ‘knocking at the back door,’ ‘gateway hugging,’ and ‘jetpacking,’ is just a more straightforward method of giving and receiving comfort during these dire political times.
“There’s a lot of gray area regarding just what cuddling is, and that confuses people. When you’re cuddling someone, and you’re standing, you’re not really cuddling at all. That’s just hugging. You have to be lying down to actually cuddle with someone. We eliminate that confusion. Who ever heard of people spooning standing up?”
Daphne Robbins, a 23 year-old closet cuddler until Hillary Clinton lost Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, and Michigan, and who owns The Cuddle Huddle in Bakersfield, disagrees. “Spooners are so pretentious. They always have been. But cuddling offers you many more options. You just can’t get good relief from Trump Derangement Syndrome unless you’re face to face in a cuddle or snuggle. You have to be able to look into each other’s eyes to see how much pain President Trump is causing your partner.
Cuddling, also known as ‘I’m cold,’ the ‘friendzone with benefits,’ ‘Netflix date,’ and the ‘Mormon booty call,’ has spawned businesses such as The Cuddle Sanctuary, Weekend Boyfriend, and The Disgraced Embrace. Millennials are certainly willing to pay good money for a break from their disbelief that Hillary actually lost the election.
And they don’t plan on going anywhere any time soon. Robbins says she considers herself a ‘cuddle whore’ these days, and insists she and her clients can cuddle through two Trump terms – if necessary.