NEW YORK – During a rally for millennials today, admitted coughaphobe Hillary Clinton vowed to end coughing, once and for all, for all Americans if she makes it into the White House. The promise follows her other vows to eliminate college tuition, eliminate childcare expenses, eliminate guns, and eliminate Republicans.
“As many of you know, I’ve never been a fan of coughing,” Clinton told the enthusiastic crowd. “Oh sure, doctors will tell you that a cough is healthy. That’s it’s expelling a foreign substance that your body is rejecting. But for most of us, it’s just an annoyance. And it doesn’t have to be!”
“That’s why, if I’m elected, I plan to eliminate coughing for ALL Americans. We have never been a nation of coughers before. This is not who we are. And this is not just a bunch of phlegm-phlagm either. We can make this happen if we all join together! Let’s put an end to hacking – not the computer kind, but the coughing kind. You know what I mean. Thank you, all!”
The announcement was immediately met with anger by the CDLL, the Cough Drop & Lozenge Lobby, who vowed to fight Mrs. Clinton’s efforts forcefully, while still doing so in a triple-action, menthol vapor, soothing manner.