SCRANTON – Hillary Clinton, appearing disheveled and smelly, told a St. Patrick’s Day audience that she was ending her winter hibernation and was “ready to come out of the woods.” Mrs. Clinton has been sleeping in a cave for most of the winter, living off of stored body fat, and scavenging for food since shortly after her defeat to Donald Trump last fall.
“I have a hard time watching the news, I’ll confess,” she said. “And by that, I mean I never could figure out how to get TV in my hibernation cave. It’s not as easy as you might think.” She definitely needed a square meal, to be deloused, and a prolonged spray down with a fire hose to get the caked-on grime off her body.
She told the crowd she did solve one of life’s mysteries during her time in the woods. “When Hillary falls in the woods, and nobody’s around to hear it, it does still make a sound. It just doesn’t get played over and over on TV like when the same thing happens in Manhattan.”
Hillary said since her return from the Hundred Acre woods, she’s seen how divided the country is, and she wants to try to work on helping families across America deal with the horrors that are weighing on so many of their minds as they gather around the dinner table each night.
“A surging stock market, lots of new jobs being created, companies deciding to stay here instead of going abroad, more Americans saying they’re sick of the Clinton’s…..it’s terrifying. That’s not a country I want to live in, and if I can come back and muck that up somehow, then that’s my mission.”