feats of strength

Hillary Takes Lead in Presidential Feats of Strength Competition

HOLLYWOOD – After feats of strength, please put all the poor health rumors about Hillary Clinton to rest, once and for all. The woman opened a jar of pickles on Jimmy Kimmel’s show this week. Yes, she was sitting. But this is impressive and could only be pulled off by someone as strong as an ox.

It’s common knowledge that it’s impossible for a TV crew to tap around the lid of a pickle jar, or run it under warm water to loosen the seal, to make it easier for someone else to open. You can’t fake that stuff. Plus, Americans know Hillary would never stoop to cheating.

And these weren’t just run-of-the-mill pickles. This jar of pickles didn’t even pop when opened!

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The presidential feats of strength are extremely important. Many pundits still feel that John Kerry’s failing to open a jar of black olives in 2004 cost him that election. And the rest of us know that our own doctors administer the pickle jar test to each of us as a determination of overall health.

All eyes are now on Donald Trump, as he is expected to attempt to open an aspirin bottle with a child-safety lid on an upcoming appearance of Hannity. Russia’s President Putin was very impressed with Mrs. Clinton’s feat of strength.

If elected, ISIS will think twice now before challenging Clinton.

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  2. Rich Hoffer August 24, 2016 at 7:27 AM -

    Yeah, I caught that…really impressive. Too bad the Olympics are over! BTW, what does opening a pickle jar have to do with having strokes and not being able to stand without falling down?

    • E. Williams August 24, 2016 at 8:22 AM

      It’s highly technical and we’re too stupid to understand it, but the Lefties in Hollywood and the Clinton campaign know that opening a pre-opened jar of pickles is cutting edge testing for those types of health issues.

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