Hillary Voluntarily Indicts Herself So Nation Can Move On

WASHINGTON (The Barbed Wire) – Shortly after voluntarily gracing FBI investigators with her presence regarding the ongoing case of her secret email server, Saint Hillary Clinton announced that she will be voluntarily indicting herself. The move will allow American voters to finally put the email controversy behind them and focus on November’s presidential election.

Attorney General Loretta Lynch applauded Clinton’s selfless gesture. “Anyone who knows Hillary Clinton knows that she always puts country before self. This decision to self-indict, knowing the odds weren’t in her favor, should serve as an excellent example for our nation’s children. Kids, if you know you’re busted, the best thing to do is always come forward and accept the consequences of your actions.”

In a statement, Hillary said:

“Everybody knows I was trying to keep my illegal dealings between our foundation and foreign leaders, among other things, secret and away from the prying eyes of an American public that I despise. I voluntarily brought the news of my secret server to members of Congress, I voluntarily played word games with the media in a lame attempt to make the scandal go away, and I voluntarily allowed the FBI to bask in the glow of my wondrous self as they questioned me this morning.

Following that questioning from the FBI, I started thinking I might actually get in trouble on this one. That is the reason I have decided to voluntarily indict myself. And, moving forward, I will voluntarily appear in court at a later date and, if needed, I will voluntarily allow myself to be fined or imprisoned for my crimes against America. I would like to remind the country that nothing happens to me unless I first consent to it happening to me. Lastly, I am not suspending my presidential campaign, because I still want what I am due. I have a vagina and it’s my turn.”

Democratic voters were relieved that they would still have the opportunity to vote for a felon to be their president this fall. In fact, political operative and stunt double for Gollum in the Lord of the Rings movies, James Carville, said the voluntary move by Hillary makes her a martyr for the Democratic party, and he called for her to be nominated for sainthood at their upcoming convention.

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