The New Hillary Clinton – Rapper, Poet, Comedian

Clinton

SAN FRANCISCO – Speaking to a women’s business group yesterday, recently-freed-from-the-wilds Hillary Clinton workshopped her clever new mantra for 2017. She delighted the audience with jokes, rhymes, and card tricks (race card, sexist card, etc.). The highlight of the performance speech was when Hillary broke into a rap – accompanied by a sick beat – and unveiled her new empowering motto, titled “Resist, Insist, Persist, Enlist.” The women attending the speech thought it was the most profound thing they had ever heard.   Mrs. Clinton admitted she had worked on…

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Hillary Ready to Come Out of the Woods, End Hibernation

SCRANTON – Hillary Clinton, appearing disheveled and smelly, told a St. Patrick’s Day audience that she was ending her winter hibernation and was “ready to come out of the woods.” Mrs. Clinton has been sleeping in a cave for most of the winter, living off of stored body fat, and scavenging for food since shortly after her defeat to Donald Trump last fall. “I have a hard time watching the news, I’ll confess,” she said. “And by that, I mean I never could figure out how to get TV in…

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Democrats Open to Having Hillary Stuffed, Run for Offices Forever

stuffed

NEW YORK – As rumors swirl about the possibility of Hillary Clinton running for mayor of New York City in the city’s next election, many wonder if Democrats will ever be able to let go of Bill and Hillary. The answer appears to be “not anytime soon.” Hillary Clinton should not even be mentioned with the words “public office” ever again. She had her chance(s). But, it appears, Democrats just don’t know how to quit Hillary. Man-on-the-street interviews, conducted at both the campuses of UC Berkeley and University of Wisconsin-Madison,…

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UFC Fighter Ronda Rousey: “Now I Know How Hillary Must Have Felt”

LAS VEGAS – Following her stunning defeat in the UFC 207 fight against Amanda Nunes on Friday night, former champion Ronda Rousey was shell-shocked, and skipped the post-fight media interviews. However, she did have John Podesta come out and read a statement to supporters for her. According to ESPN, Rousey said, “Tonight was truly an ass-whooping. I never saw that one coming. Reluctantly, I applaud Amanda for the superior fight she gave me. As I sit here battered and bruised, feeling punch-drunk and trying to regain my faculties, I know…

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Hillary Tells Democrats to “Please Stop Trying to Help Me!”

DEEP IN THE WOODS – A group of hikers stumbled across Hillary Clinton in a thick forest near Chappaqua early today. Since her humiliating defeat in early November, Mrs. Clinton has shunned most human contact and has started learning to live off the land. Looking particularly haggard, the hikers asked if there was anything they could do to help the year’s biggest loser. “Yes!” she screamed. “Please tell Democrats to stop trying to help me! I know they mean well, but I can’t take any more of these embarrassing losses.”…

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Hillary’s Latest: “Pulled Hamstring Kept Me From Running Better Race”

NEW YORK CITY – Hillary Clinton limped to the stage a few days ago at the Plaza Hotel here, in an attempt to explain to her top donors why their hard-earned millions ended up being part of the worst political investment in history. The Clinton campaign managed to flush over $1 billion down the toilet, just to come in second. Granted, Mrs. Clinton faced strong headwinds in her quest for the presidency, only having had every available advantage known to man helping carry her to her throne. But, besides those…

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Hillary Clinton to Open “Always A Bridesmaid” Bridal Shop

bridesmaid

CHAPPEQUA – Hillary Clinton needs something to do. Bill is freaking out because, if he has to spend a lot of time around her, he’d just as soon check out now. So he’s persuaded his wife to open an upscale bridal store right here in Westchester County, with only the bridesmaid in mind. “Always A Bridesmaid – Never A Bride” is the clever name Bill came up with for the shop. “Who else knows better than my wife what it feels like to come in second place, over and over…

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Hillary Tabbed as New Face of Makeup Company, L’ordHélpUsAll

PARIS – Now that the election is over, endorsement deals have come pouring in for Hillary Clinton. And since beauty is the first word many associate with ‘Chipmunk Cheeks,’ it only made sense that she would sign with one of the world’s most prestigious makeup companies. The deal came down to a bidding war between Careless Girl and L’Oréal (parent company of the new ‘L’ordHélpUsAll’ makeup line), but L’Oréal gave more cash to the Clinton Foundation and Hillary’s recount efforts. The L’ordHélpUsAll line of beauty products is designed for the…

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Clintons to Open New All-Inclusive Resorts Called ‘Scandals’

LITTLE SAINT JAMES – What do you do if your last name is Clinton and you don’t have anything to do now that the election is over? You open a chain of Caribbean, luxury resorts called “Scandals,” of course. You didn’t think they were just going to sit on all that campaign slush money from the Clinton Foundation, did you? The site of the first Scandals will be located on Clinton pedophile friend Jeffrey Epstein’s Caribbean island called Little Saint James, also known as “Orgy Island.” There, guests will be…

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Democrat Election Autopsy Reveals Hillary “Just Not Arrogant Enough”

BROOKLYN – On a conference call with campaign staff yesterday, John Podesta went over results of the party’s election autopsy report, trying to soothe the pain that Clinton surrogates are experiencing following Hillary’s shocking loss to Donald Trump for the presidency. “Our analysis is that Hillary, and many of us on this call, were just not arrogant enough to suit the American electorate,” Podesta explained. “We thought we, and our accomplices in the media, were about as arrogant, self-righteous, and entitled as we could be. But, looking back, you sometimes…

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