HOLLYWOOD – Actors, actresses, and former sexual assault victims of his all breathed a collective sigh of relief after hearing that disgraced movie producer and rapist Harvey Weinstein had wrapped up his sex rehab therapy in just one week. That ought to do it.
Producer Jeffrey Katzenberg told Hollywood Reporter, “I’m extremely relieved that Harvey finally got the week of therapy he’s needed for so long, to teach him that women are not his playthings. Normally, his rehab program would have taken 3 months, but, you know, we edit everything down in Hollywood – due to time constraints.”
Despite sleeping through therapy sessions, taking calls on his banned cellphone, and ranting at the world, Weinstein sailed through the program with flying colors. Film producer Brian Grazer said he has taken Hollywood’s public relations defense system from Defcon 1 to Defcon 4, allowing celebrities everywhere to relax.
“I don’t know what those other people are doing in that rehab facility,” Grazer said. “Why spend months in there when you can take the condensed version instead? It’s like Harvey took the CliffsNotes version of sex rehab. Why waste all that time when you really don’t have a problem anyway, am I right?”
Weinstein’s people have also released a statement from him: “Mr. Weinstein would like to be referred to as a Hollywood seducer, not producer, from this point forward. It’s like when Prince changed his name to that symbol. Just a little re-branding of the Weinstein name.”
Actress Rose McGowan spoke for many of Weinstein’s former victims today, when she tweeted, “I feel safer already.”