James Comey Appointed to Count Ballots After Speedy Email Count

WASHINGTON – Americans are ready for the national nightmare of Election 2016 to be over as soon as possible. So, to help facilitate quicker results for voters, FBI Director James Comey has been selected to personally count ballots as they come in from across the country tomorrow night.

Comey sorted through, studied, cross-referenced, and speed-read through 650,000 Clinton emails in just 8 days. An incredible human feat, and probably a world record. As most Americans already know, our Constitution dictates that speed is far more important when it comes to determining wrongdoing in criminal cases, so Comey did a bang-up job.

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The Federal Elections Commission announced today, “James blew us away with his speed! We’ll still have machines counting votes in some areas of the country, but he’ll be counting the bulk of the ballots. The man must be a machine!”

Comey’s wife says her husband’s performance is so amazing because he doesn’t eat, sleep, or go to the bathroom. On the rare occasion when he might doze off for a few minutes, she says Comey even counted emails during that time.

Americans can rest assured that Comey will do as great of a job counting ballots as he did in taking Hillary’s email scandal seriously. In other words, we’re screwed.

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  1. Rich Hoffer November 8, 2016 at 7:15 AM -

    I just want to know his secret. Between four email accounts, I get well over 500 emails a day and IF I take the time to go through and separate the spam from the real stuff, it can take over an hour to just dump 300 of them (well, I DO read about half of them!). If he can do 650,000 in 8 days, I want to know!!!

    • E. Williams November 8, 2016 at 7:54 AM

      Maybe if you pretend to give a rat’s ass about them, when you really don’t, you can fly through them at the speed of light.

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