LOS ANGELES – Late night host Jimmy Kimmel has graduated from the Chuck Schumer School of Emotional Acting and Fake Crying. Kimmel completed his studies with a final exam performance on his show last night, using the Las Vegas mass shooting tragedy to promote gun control.
Senator Chuck Schumer founded the school several years ago as a way to teach progressives how to use their emotions, platforms, and fame to push issues near and dear to democratic causes. Kimmel had jumped to the head of his class with several performances recently.
According to Schumer, “Jimmy told us he was willing to be a useful idiot for the betterment of our movement. We then taught him how to work himself into an emotional state before he goes on stage and now he can pull the heartstrings of his gullible audience whenever we need him to.”
“We’ve used Jimmy to push healthcare talking points, and now gun control. I’m sure you’ll see him crying about climate change and abortion rights in no time,” Schumer added. Chuck showed off his own fake crying prowess earlier this year when his eyes started leaking at a press conference against President Trump’s travel ban.
Kimmel suffers from DNC disease, a condition that, sadly, makes a comedian less funny. He’s also had software implanted in his brain so Schumer can download the latest democratic talking points directly to the talk show host.