Kaepernick to Protest Not Being Named 2017’s Sexiest Man Alive

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NEW YORK CITY – Popular gossip rag People Magazine is now being protested by former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick. Kaepernick believed he had the title in the bag this year, when the magazine had the nerve to award the “Sexiest Man Alive” title to a white guy instead – The Voice’s Blake Shelton.

“This is bullsh*t,” a jilted Colin said. “I just took GQ Magazine’s ‘Citizen of the Year’ award the other day, so this one should have been a no-brainer. I mean, look at me! Is it the ‘fro? Damn it, I’m the Rosa Parks of football! What’s more sexy than that?!”

Kap was also pissed that the award went to a white, country star. “I’m sure Blake may be a decent dude but he’s a country western guy, so he’s already got some redneck built in to him, know what I mean? This ain’t right.”

“Look into my eyes, Colin. Let my sexiness give you strength.”

Colin was photographed by a number of people around news stands close to the Time, Inc. (parent company of People) headquarters in Manhattan this afternoon. He repeatedly took a knee for five minutes at each news stand. At two of the locations, Kaepernick raised his fist in the air as he knelt to protest not being found sexy enough by the magazine this year.

“In the last 20 years or so,” Kaepernick said, “There’s only been a couple of brothers that won sexiest man. And a couple of those crackers, Clooney and Depp, have won it twice! You tell me where the justice is in that!”

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