Perv Al Franken: The Video Was Funnier, Shows Me Saying Honk, Honk

MINNESOTA – Senator Al Franken, busted today for a photo showing him groping Leeann Tweeden in 2006 while she was sleeping on a flight back from the Middle East, says the public would get the joke if they could just see the video of the incident. “The photo alone makes me look really creepy and perverted,” Franken admitted, “But the video is what everybody needs to see. It’s much funnier. Right after the shot in the photo was taken, I said ‘honk, honk!’ as I squeezed my hands over her…

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Kaepernick to Protest Not Being Named 2017’s Sexiest Man Alive

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NEW YORK CITY – Popular gossip rag People Magazine is now being protested by former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick. Kaepernick believed he had the title in the bag this year, when the magazine had the nerve to award the “Sexiest Man Alive” title to a white guy instead – The Voice’s Blake Shelton. “This is bullsh*t,” a jilted Colin said. “I just took GQ Magazine’s ‘Citizen of the Year’ award the other day, so this one should have been a no-brainer. I mean, look at me! Is it the ‘fro?…

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Dems Offer Reward For Anyone Finding Their Moral Authority

WASHINGTON – Democratic Party chair Tom Perez has posted an ad in the DC classifieds offering a reward to anyone who knows the whereabouts of the party’s moral authority. Unaware that Democrats lost their moral authority during the Clinton-Lewinsky years of the 1990’s, Perez is hoping someone out there can shed light on its current location. “I’m actually a little embarrassed,” Perez admitted. “We’ve been acting holier than thou when we slam Republicans about their alleged scandals, while looking the other way at misdeeds committed by our own, but I…

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Progressives Detail Guilty Gun’s Timeline in Texas Church Mass Shooting

TWITTERVERSE – The nation’s progressives have determined exactly what caused the tragic mass shooting by an AR-15 in a small Texas town on Sunday. Twenty-six innocents were killed when the gun went berserk and shot up a church in Sutherland Springs, Texas, with dozens more left injured. According to the country’s oracles and keepers of all knowledge, liberal progressives, here is the timeline of the deadly attack: 9:55 am – AR-15 decided today was the day to kill. Gun owner Devin Kelley was startled to awake with the gun pointing…

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President Trump Embarks on Journey to Explore Aja

AIR FORCE ONE – As President Trump heads to the ‘ring of fire’ region of the world, he explained the reasons for his first official trip to the Far East. Trump has always had an affinity for Steely Dan’s Aja (pronounced Asia), and he really wants to delve deeper into the significance of the 1977 album. “I’ve always loved Aja. Heck of an album. Did you know the late great Phil Hartman designed the album cover?” the president asked. “I really love the fusion of jazz, pop and rock those…

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Hillary Hurt Again After Falling Down Most Powerful Women’s List

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NEW YORK – Forbes magazine has published their latest list of the world’s most powerful women, and it saw the once invincible Hillary Clinton tumble and hurt herself again. Mrs. Clinton, the most accident prone candidate in modern political history, of course, had her own version of what caused her to crash and burn. “I was skateboarding down the banister while slamming down my third frappuccino,” Clinton explained, “When one of my wheels slid off the rails and I fell a long way down. I had been near the top…

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CNN Unveils New Slogan With “Fruits First” Ad

ATLANTA – Tired of being embarrassed by President Trump over their inability to report unbiased truth, CNN has decided to embarrass themselves. The network has released an ad campaign featuring what they feel pretty strongly is an apple, called “Fruits First.” The ad caught many in the media off guard, unsure why CNN is so adamant about fruit. The ad begins with the picture of an apple, with the words “This is an apple” under it. The ad goes on to insist the object pictured is not a banana –…

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Dem Rep Fredericka Wilson on Being a Jackass: “This Isn’t My First Rodeo”

FLORIDA – Urban cowgirl and democratic congresswoman Fredericka Wilson has stepped in it big time after politicizing President Trump’s private phone call to the wife of a fallen soldier. Wilson was verbally lassoed and hogtied today by White House Chief of Staff, General John Kelly. Fredericka let her hatred for President Trump that has poisoned her mind get the best of her. Now, she’s the biggest jackass in the country for the moment, and in a battle with Texas democrat Sheila Jackson-Lee for the right to someday succeed Maxine Waters…

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Colin Kaepernick: The Hillary Clinton of the Football World

NEW YORK CITY – Disgruntled kneeler, Colin Kaepernick, has become the Hillary Clinton of the National Football League. The former quarterback, just like Hillary, is on the outside looking in as the world goes on spinning without a care about them. Now, Colin is filing a grievance against NFL team owners for colluding to keep him out of football. Apparently, the team owners are the Russians, working behind the scenes to keep him off the playing field. Kaepernick is definitely working right out of Hillary’s playbook. Jerry Jones, owner of…

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Hillary Clinton Reveals How Hard Harvey Weinstein Pervert Revelations Hit Her

Harvey

NEW YORK – NO one was more shocked by the recent sexual abuse revelations about movie producer Harvey Weinstein than one of his best friends, Hillary Clinton. Because how well can you really know a best friend, right? But Hillary claims she was jolted by the story and described the impact the news had on her: “I was shocked and appalled by these sexual predator stories,” Clinton said. “I had no idea. When I heard the news, only learning of it for the first time through the media, just like…

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