Many Brits Going Back to Suits of Armor Due to Constant Terror Threats

LONDON – The string of terror attacks in England has many Brits returning to wearing medieval suits of armor as an extra layer of protection against jihadist attacks. The metal suits would help prevent many injuries/deaths caused by bullets, knives, and shrapnel from explosive devices. The Knight Shop, located in Colwyn, UK, has seen a massive surge in sales of their suits in recent weeks. Olly Richardson manages The Knight Shop, and says, “People are scared. I know suits of armor are cumbersome for everyday activities, but it just may…

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Christmas 2016: The Year of the Revenge Gift

NORTH POLE – Santa has reported a huge surge in “revenge” gift giving this year, as liberals continue to be incapable of controlling their anger and bitterness following the crushing defeat of their Queen Hillary. To express their hatred toward family members who had the gall to vote for Donald Trump, many are planning to spite those they reluctantly have to call “family.” Disgruntled Democrats are making donations to organizations like Planned Parenthood, The Sierra Club, the DNC, and others, in a Trump-voting family member’s name. The crybabies believe they…

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Fisher-Price Toy Controversy Brings Out Internet Paul Reveres

WHEREVER – Paul Revere is best known as a patriot in colonial days who alerted militia to approaching British forces before the battles of Lexington and Concord. An internet Paul Revere is someone who feels compelled to alert others on social media that something is wrong with a news story. They are similar to a ‘Captain Obvious.’ Usually, the news story is obviously satire, photoshopped, or simply made up to get a laugh from the audience because of its absurdity. But while the real Paul Revere was a hero, internet…

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ISIS Cheer Squad Rated Worst in World for Third Straight Year

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RAQQA – ISIS has evolved since its inception in many ways. To give some of the more athletic militant fighters a creative outlet, the ISIS Cheer Squad was formed three years ago. The team has never competed in person at a competition, but they have submitted videos of their routines. For the third year in a row, the group has been awarded the worst cheer squad in the world by the World Cheer Association. Disappointed but undeterred, the team’s coach believes they will someday be taken seriously. Amjad, a ISIS…

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Nation Celebrates SuperMonday One Day After SuperMoon

HAWAII – Astronomers at the Gemini Observatory explained the supermoon phenomenon widely known as “SuperMonday,” as the nation celebrated the single Monday in decades where American workers, and those from other countries around the world, can’t wait to go back to work on a Monday. The tradition goes back thousands of years. Dr. Paul Gadditz, the director of astronomy and unexplained phenomena for the observatory, explained it this way: “According to ancient texts, an early caveman was on his way to work on a Monday, heading to his job breaking…

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Pantsuit Industry Decimated in Wake of Hillary Loss

CHICAGO – Just as factories were set to launch new designs and fill orders for pantsuits from coast to coast, Hillary Clinton’s loss in the presidential race has shattered an entire industry. Hopes to mainstream the same gaudy garb worn by Hillary have vanished overnight. South Side Textiles, based out of Hillary’s hometown of Chicago, was shell-shocked by Clinton’s upset loss. “We thought this was in the bag. That’s why we spent millions this year on new equipment and hiring additional workers. Now, we have to lay off thousands,” Nick…

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Trump Proposing Term Limits For Members of Media

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VIRGINIA – Donald Trump announced his top priorities for his first 100 days in office, if elected, and term limits for members of the media was high on his list. Let’s face it….the media has done such a bad job, and for so many years, that becoming a used car salesman has become a noble profession compared to journalism. Trump is proposing media regulations that would cap a news anchor’s career at 10 years. Most employees who work for any mainstream media corporation, whether it be digital, print, or TV…

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Black Lives Matter Vandalism, Kaepernick Having No Effect on Black Shootings

WASHINGTON – According to a groundbreaking new study released today by the government agency assigned to handling statistics on crime in America, vandalism by members of the Black Lives Matter movement, along with the NFL’s Colin Kaeperdick’s kneeling during the national anthem movement, blacks continue to be killed at the same rate as before said protests. Louie Papale, spokesman for the Department of Meaningless Protests (DoMP), seemed surprised by the findings. “It was not what we expected at all. You would think that an athlete refusing to stand, or even…

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Obama on Internet Giveaway: “Al Gore Can Invent a New One”

WASHINGTON – In case you haven’t been paying attention, the United States is just days away from handing over control of the internet to a multi-national body and, once completed, the move is irreversible. Critics say the giveaway will stifle free expression and censorship will become prevalent from countries who do not share our values. America has been the overseer of the internet basically since its inception about 20 years ago. But, as with most every other issue he gets involved with, President Obama doesn’t seem too concerned about it.…

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Possible Pseudonyms Used by President Obama in Hillary Emails

WASHINGTON – In case you’ve been too distracted by the riots in Charlotte, the FBI had another one of their “don’t look at these” document dumps on Friday afternoon. This time, revealing that President Obama not only knew about Hillary Clinton’s private email setup, but he used a pseudonym (false name or alias) to communicate with her to avoid detection. Hard to believe, but your president lied to you AGAIN¬†last year when he tried to tell America that he only learned of Clinton’s secret email practices from news reports at…

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