VIRGINIA – On a Civil War battlefield this afternoon, executives for left-wing sports network ESPN forced an Asian-American announcer named Robert Lee to surrender his job of broadcasting the season opener for the Virginia football team – because of his uncanny resemblance to Confederate General Robert E. Lee.
The name Robert E. Lee is a known trigger for those on the left, even causing some to go into fits of rage and destroy public property. ESPN couldn’t take a chance on offending fascist, zombie snowflakes, and now the network feels they’ve averted a disaster.
According to top brass at ESPN, “Besides the name similarity, Robert Lee (the announcer) looks just like Robert E. Lee, if he had a beard. Rumor has it that Robert Lee also fought in the Mexican-American War – just like General Lee – and we don’t have this confirmed yet, but we’re told that Robert is the cousin of an Asian man who is 8 times removed from Robert E. Lee’s horse groomer’s nephew. You can see we had no choice in the matter.”
Lee will now announce a Youngstown State at Pittsburgh game instead, providing nobody in Pittsburgh dreams up a way to be offended by the Confederacy before then. “Robert is a fine announcer,” ESPN said in a statement. “It’s just too bad that his heritage links him so closely to slavery and that tragic time in American history. We appreciate him surrendering peacefully, before this got ugly.”
ESPN said it’s unclear if Lee will ever be able to call Virginia football games, saying it would depend on when Black Lives Matter gives them consent to let him, or if he legally changes his name – whichever comes first.