Black Lives Matter: “Most Racist Super Bowl Ever”

HOUSTON – Ever the ones to see race in every aspect of life, members of Black Lives Matter charged that this year’s Super Bowl was the most racist NFL championship game ever. They’re disgusted by the loss the Falcons suffered, and here’s why. Deray McKesson, a spokesperson for the group, said, “First of all, Tom Brady, and his team in white, beat the guys wearing black (helmets). That’s bad enough right there. The Patriots also know good and well that Atlanta has a high population of black brothers and sisters.…

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Seattle Federal Judge Rules Patriots Super Bowl Win Unconstitutional

SEATTLE – The celebrating by New England Patriots fans will have to be put on hold after a federal judge, and Seattle Seahawks fan, ruled that Tom Brady’s comeback victory is probably unconstitutional. Parades, parties, and cars being set on fire all over Massachusetts will have to wait for now. Judge James Robart, appointed to the bench by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, stated in his ruling, “The fact that the Atlanta Falcons held a nearly insurmountable lead well into the second half, combined with the rare overtime win by Tom…

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UFC Fighter Ronda Rousey: “Now I Know How Hillary Must Have Felt”

LAS VEGAS – Following her stunning defeat in the UFC 207 fight against Amanda Nunes on Friday night, former champion Ronda Rousey was shell-shocked, and skipped the post-fight media interviews. However, she did have John Podesta come out and read a statement to supporters for her. According to ESPN, Rousey said, “Tonight was truly an ass-whooping. I never saw that one coming. Reluctantly, I applaud Amanda for the superior fight she gave me. As I sit here battered and bruised, feeling punch-drunk and trying to regain my faculties, I know…

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Jill Stein Files for Recount of Heisman Trophy Voting

NEW YORK CITY – Green Party presidential candidate and professional recount activist, Dr. Jill Stein, has announced that she will be challenging the results of The Heisman Trophy race. The award, given to the nation’s top college football player, is on December 10 this year, but Stein has already announced plans to demand a recount – regardless of who the winner is. Stein, a self-styled recount justice warrior (RJW), when asked why she’s requesting the Heisman recount, answers, “What else do I have going on?” Already acting indignant about the…

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Black Lives Matter Vandalism, Kaepernick Having No Effect on Black Shootings

WASHINGTON – According to a groundbreaking new study released today by the government agency assigned to handling statistics on crime in America, vandalism by members of the Black Lives Matter movement, along with the NFL’s Colin Kaeperdick’s kneeling during the national anthem movement, blacks continue to be killed at the same rate as before said protests. Louie Papale, spokesman for the Department of Meaningless Protests (DoMP), seemed surprised by the findings. “It was not what we expected at all. You would think that an athlete refusing to stand, or even…

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49ers QB Kaepernick Explains Why He Refuses to Stand for National Anthem

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SAN FRANCISCO – San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick is facing criticism from American sports fans after he refused to stand for the national anthem before a preseason NFL game. Despite the controversy he’s caused himself, Kaepernick says he believes he’s doing the right thing and will continue to sit for the anthem going forward. However, Colin has now clarified his reason for refusing to stand. “I wanted to bring attention to what a humongous asshole I am. We’re talking world-class douchebag here. I’ve made more money playing a game…

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Michael Phelps Contemplating Rehab for Gold Addiction

RIO – American swimming champion, Michael Phelps, has had a long term addiction to gold. And now that he’s thinking about hanging up his Speedo, he’s thinking it may finally be time to address his addiction. Phelps has tried to wean himself off of gold with other medals like silver and bronze, but he relapsed each time and went back to his gold habit. After refusing to acknowledge his gold addiction in 3 separate Olympics, in 3 different parts of the world, Phelps finally appears to be ready to ask…

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Cam Newton Blames Super Bowl Loss on ‘The Man’

SANTA CLARA (The Barbed Wire) – Before walking out on his post-game press conference following his team’s loss to Denver in Super Bowl 50, Carolina quarterback Cam Newton blamed his play on ‘The Man’ keeping him down. Newton, the league’s MVP this season, had a great year and deserved the most valuable trophy for his efforts on the field. But the superstar quarterback said recently that his race was a reason why he had so many haters among NFL fans. “I didn’t play well because ‘The Man’ was keeping me…

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