Hillary Clinton’s New Book to be Titled “Sh*t Happened”

NEW YORK CITY – Hillary Clinton has a new book, coming out in September, in which she claims she will detail what happened that caused her to lose the election to Donald Trump. The title of the upcoming Simon & Schuster release is Sh*t Happened. The publishing firm has also released a list of other possible titles that were submitted by Clinton and her team regarding the 2016 campaign: Close, But No Cigar Huma I Kidding? Diary of a 2-Time Loser Hillary Clinton – Life of a Chronic Blamer Why…

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Christmas 2016: The Year of the Revenge Gift

NORTH POLE – Santa has reported a huge surge in “revenge” gift giving this year, as liberals continue to be incapable of controlling their anger and bitterness following the crushing defeat of their Queen Hillary. To express their hatred toward family members who had the gall to vote for Donald Trump, many are planning to spite those they reluctantly have to call “family.” Disgruntled Democrats are making donations to organizations like Planned Parenthood, The Sierra Club, the DNC, and others, in a Trump-voting family member’s name. The crybabies believe they…

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Hillary’s Latest: “Pulled Hamstring Kept Me From Running Better Race”

NEW YORK CITY – Hillary Clinton limped to the stage a few days ago at the Plaza Hotel here, in an attempt to explain to her top donors why their hard-earned millions ended up being part of the worst political investment in history. The Clinton campaign managed to flush over $1 billion down the toilet, just to come in second. Granted, Mrs. Clinton faced strong headwinds in her quest for the presidency, only having had every available advantage known to man helping carry her to her throne. But, besides those…

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Democrat Election Autopsy Reveals Hillary “Just Not Arrogant Enough”

BROOKLYN – On a conference call with campaign staff yesterday, John Podesta went over results of the party’s election autopsy report, trying to soothe the pain that Clinton surrogates are experiencing following Hillary’s shocking loss to Donald Trump for the presidency. “Our analysis is that Hillary, and many of us on this call, were just not arrogant enough to suit the American electorate,” Podesta explained. “We thought we, and our accomplices in the media, were about as arrogant, self-righteous, and entitled as we could be. But, looking back, you sometimes…

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Hillary Hangs With Her Homies, Pimps, Bitches, Jay-Z and Beyonce

CLEVELAND – Proving she’s the hippest grandma ever to seek the presidency, Hillary Clinton held a campaign rally where she hung out with her very close homies, Jay-Z and Beyonce. After pumping up the crowd with a barrage of f-bombs and n-words from the music superstars, Hillary addressed the supporters in her usual, screeching manner: “Oh, thank you, thank you! I have so enjoyed having Usher and Bounce here to entertain us all tonight (strange looks from Jay-Z and Beyonce). I’ve been a big fan of rap music since I…

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Female Hillary Supporters Voting With Vaginas Spur Changes to Voting Machines

WASHINGTON D.C. – Many female Democrats, some Independent women, and a few trannies, have declared that they will be voting with their vaginas for Hillary Clinton this year.  This admission has forced companies that manufacture voting machines to unveil new designs for the upcoming presidential election. Premier Election Solutions, one of the largest manufacturers of voting machines, has released their newest machine – The VagiVote 1000. The VagiVote is a voting machine that has been modified to meet the needs of those female voters who care nothing about honesty, national…

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Wikileak’s Assange Says “Just Releasing Emails to Jolt Hillary’s Memory”

LONDON – Though he has become the bane of every Democratic operative and MSM Clinton cheerleader for releasing thousands of emails that are proving damaging to Hillary Clinton’s quest for world domination, the head of Wikileaks, Julian Assange, says he’s only trying to help. “I kept seeing over and over and over again Mrs. Clinton telling authorities ‘I don’t recall,’ ‘I can’t recall,’ no matter what the scandal was. And she seems to have a brilliant memory about all other issues. I thought, ‘I can help this woman.’ And that’s…

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ISIS Weighs in on Trump/Machado Weight War

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MOSUL – There are serious problems in our world today, but none more dire than the insensitive words presidential candidate Donald Trump supposedly said to a Venezuelan Miss Universe 20 years ago. Trump reportedly called the beauty contestant “Miss Piggy,” damaging, forever, her self-esteem. The revelations have rocked the world, and even leaders of the terror group ISIS have been affected by the hurtful language. A media spokesman for ISIS said, “We are very concerned about the language Mr. Trump used against this woman 20 years ago. If he would…

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Hillary Clinton “Can’t Recall” If She’s Running for President or Not

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NEW YORK – Notes from the FBI’s questioning of Hillary Clinton this summer show Mrs. Clinton couldn’t recall whether she received training for classified information, was told that her server could cause legal problems for her, or much of anything else, for that matter. When asked by an agent whether her running for president was consistent with her lack of knowledge and recall on everything, Mrs. Clinton answered, “I’M not running for president (cackling). Am I?” When the agent confirmed that she was, she shrugged her shoulders and said, “Well,…

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Hillary Clinton Avoiding Louisiana for Fear of Drowning

THE HAMPTONS – Tired of hearing about not visiting those suffering through the flooding situation in Louisiana, Hillary Clinton finally admitted why she has avoided the state. She said a trip to the waterlogged area would present a clear and present danger to her safety. “I’m mostly worried about drowning,” Hillary said. “Have you seen the water levels there?! If I fell, I could drown! In case you haven’t been paying attention, I’m not the most agile person in the country. I could go down any minute, and the water…

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