CNN: Stormy Daniels Secures Release of 3 NoKo Hostages

hostages

THIS IS CNN – In the early morning hours, as President Trump welcomed home three American hostages who had been held captive in North Korea, CNN cut to the chase and presented the facts of their negotiated release as it exists in the CNN newsroom. “We’re pleased to report that it was in fact Stormy Daniels who – having flown to North Korea on a plane that crashed in the sea – escaped injury, soldiered on to Pyongyang, and secured the freedom of these three captive Americans. CNN will have…

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Sporting Goods CEO Interview Gives CNN a Mouthful of Dick’s

Dick's

NEW YORK – The CEO of Dick’s Sporting Goods announced in an interview with CNN that his company is going limp on gun sales. Network anchor Chris Cuomo remarked after the interview, “He sure said a mouthful! I haven’t given Dick’s much thought lately, but I sure will now. He told me more about Dick’s than I ever cared to know.” Dick’s CEO Ed Stack said he thinks the store’s customer base will remain loyal despite the removal of all scary-looking guns from store shelves. “Our customers, we refer to…

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CNN Poll: Oprah 60% Jesus 28% Trump 12% for 2020

ATLANTA – CNN sees 2020 as the second coming of Oprah for president. Even Jesus couldn’t beat her. And Trump might as well quit now. That’s the result of the network’s latest poll on possible presidential candidates for the next election cycle. Anchor Jake Tapper said CNN polled 896 random viewers of their network. The margin of error for the poll was +/- 25%. Digging through the data, some insights among those polled were discovered: Breakdown by political affiliation of those polled – 55% Democrat, 35% Independent, 10% Republican. This…

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CNN Unveils New Slogan With “Fruits First” Ad

ATLANTA – Tired of being embarrassed by President Trump over their inability to report unbiased truth, CNN has decided to embarrass themselves. The network has released an ad campaign featuring what they feel pretty strongly is an apple, called “Fruits First.” The ad caught many in the media off guard, unsure why CNN is so adamant about fruit. The ad begins with the picture of an apple, with the words “This is an apple” under it. The ad goes on to insist the object pictured is not a banana –…

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Alt-Left Media: “Why Didn’t Trump Provide Live Hurricane Coverage Himself?”

hurricane

NEW YORK – Members of the alt-left media are disgusted that President Trump didn’t volunteer to provide live coverage to the public as Hurricane Harvey made landfall Friday night. They said they would only be happy had the president put his own life in danger at the worst of the storm. As high winds and flooding rains slammed the Texas coast, CNN’s Don Lemon told viewers, “If the president really cared for Texans, he would have put himself in harm’s way to give them the most accurate reports of deteriorating…

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Anti-Trump Media Explain Charlottesville Violence in Pictures

VIRGINIA – If you’re one of those people who don’t watch CNN, MSNBC, PBS or any of the big network news shows, you might not know what really happened in Charlottesville last weekend. So, according to the media outlets named above, here is their take on the ‘one-sided’ violence, as explained with pictures of the event:             This is their version of events as they happened in Charlottesville, and the mainstream media is sticking to it. So, if you’re a Trump supporter, we’re sorry that…

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Bashing Trump, Democrat Ana Navarro Uses N-Word on CNN

navarro

ATLANTA – CNN contributor Ana Navarro, a Democrat who calls herself a Republican, let her Trump rage get the best of her today when she used the “N-word” on air during a segment on the recent Charlottesville racial violence. It’s unclear at this time whether CNN will discipline Navarro for the incident. While criticizing President Trump’s public statements about the weekend violence between white supremacists and liberal supremacists, she called the president a “Nincompoop,” a clear microaggression designed to make Trump seem “less than human.” For host John Berman and…

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CNN Anchors Admit They Just Like Saying Words “Collusion,” “Dossier”

dossier

ATLANTA – Numerous CNN personalities have admitted off-camera that they understand there is really no evidence of cooperation between Russia and the Trump campaign during the 2016 election cycle. They just really like saying the words “collusion” and “dossier” (doss-i-eh). Alisyn Camerota explained, “I especially like the word ‘dossier.’ It makes me feel European and sophisticated. I even feel like I should be sticking my pinky finger out when I pronounce it! To be honest, I don’t even know what it means, but I read what they put on the…

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Media On Edge After Seeing Trump’s CNN Body Slam Video

NEW YORK – President Trump shocked members of the media everywhere today, when he released a parody video showing The Prez body slamming a person representing CNN to the ground at a WWE event. It should be pointed out that most members of the media don’t have a sense of humor. So, of course, they miss the joke and believe Trump is inciting violence against their profession. Below is the released video, followed by comments made by various skittish journalists: From CNN – Jim Acosta – “Was that me he…

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