CNN Anchors Admit They Just Like Saying Words “Collusion,” “Dossier”

dossier

ATLANTA – Numerous CNN personalities have admitted off-camera that they understand there is really no evidence of cooperation between Russia and the Trump campaign during the 2016 election cycle. They just really like saying the words “collusion” and “dossier” (doss-i-eh). Alisyn Camerota explained, “I especially like the word ‘dossier.’ It makes me feel European and sophisticated. I even feel like I should be sticking my pinky finger out when I pronounce it! To be honest, I don’t even know what it means, but I read what they put on the…

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Media On Edge After Seeing Trump’s CNN Body Slam Video

NEW YORK – President Trump shocked members of the media everywhere today, when he released a parody video showing The Prez body slamming a person representing CNN to the ground at a WWE event. It should be pointed out that most members of the media don’t have a sense of humor. So, of course, they miss the joke and believe Trump is inciting violence against their profession. Below is the released video, followed by comments made by various skittish journalists: From CNN – Jim Acosta – “Was that me he…

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CNN Viewers Confused: “Is Russia Story BS or a Big Nothing-Burger?”

nothing-burger

ATLANTA – CNN is having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week. And their viewers are too. Undercover videos, released by Project Veritas this week, have shown a CNN producer calling the Trump/Russia story “bullsh*t.” Meanwhile, network contributor Van Jones calls the story “just a big nothing-burger.” CNN’s viewers are left scratching their heads. “Well, which is it?” viewer Brett Kaufman asked. “If the next person comes out and says ‘there’s no there, there,’ I’m going to kick somebody’s can down the road. I won’t know what the hell…

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Three Little Pigs at CNN Lose Jobs Trying to Destroy Big Bad Trump

pigs

ATLANTA – Three little pigs who work at CNN have destroyed their own careers while trying to destroy the big bad wolf, President Trump. The arrogant pigs had to resign in disgrace after getting busted for manufacturing bogus stories about the wolf. The first little CNN pig built his stories out of clickbait. He didn’t care if the article was far-fetched, as long as viewers got fooled into clicking on the link. If he could get them to do that, there was a chance they might believe the lie he…

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Anderson Cooper Pleasures Self During Kellyanne Conway Interview

ATLANTA – CNN has been reviewing tape after anchorman Anderson Cooper was caught pleasuring himself in the middle of an on-air interview with Trump counselor Kellyanne Conway. Cooper tried to be discreet about his (under the desk) activities, even holding his expressions of ecstasy until Conway looked down at her notes so she wouldn’t notice. CNN’s medical expert, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, was alerted by producers and expressed his concern. “When I saw the tape of the interview, I was worried that Anderson may have had a seizure or suffered a…

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CNN Reports On Day 1 of CPAC: Ovens, Sacrifices, and Canned Hunts

MARYLAND – After the first day of big-name conservative speakers, and an extremely enthusiastic audience, the CPAC (Conservative Political Action Conference) is off to a scary start. In case you missed it, CNN has released their report on the event based on accounts provided by network reporters who attended the conference. “The annual convention of conservatives got underway today, with festivities that turned out to be every bit as horrifying as many had feared. Kellyanne Conway spoke to the crowd in the morning, sending chills through the conference as she…

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CNN Changing Name to ‘CNN Satire’ to Match Fake News Reputation

CNN

ATLANTA – Thanks to fake news pioneers Chris Cuomo, Brian Stelter, Don Lemon, Jake Tapper and others, CNN has decided to update it’s name to CNN SATIRE. The network believes the name change will better reflect the content of the product they’re pushing to the public these days. Network president Jeffrey Zucker said, “We here at CNN hate the term ‘fake news,’ especially when it is applied to us. So we feel that this way we can continue to crank out questionable material, combined with occasional facts, and when called…

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Mainstream Media Trying to Pick Up Pieces After Trump Thrashing

ATLANTA – In mainstream media offices across the country, numerous so-called “journalists” were dealing with the after effects of the bolt of lightning known as the Trump press conference that hit them all yesterday. Damage was widespread. At CNN: Jake Tapper, Wolf Blitzer and Don Lemon have started wearing rubber diapers because they pee themselves every time Donald Trump opens his mouth now. Reporter Jim Acosta is being evaluated for rabies after being seen foaming at the mouth following his smack down in front of the world yesterday. At MSNBC:…

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CNN Anchor Wants You to Wear Hijab in Support of Muslim Women

hijab

ATLANTA – CNN anchor Alisyn Camerota, who’s always in competition with CNN’s own Carol Costello for stupidest female in a leading anchor role, wants American women to wear a hijab in support of Muslim women who fear being attacked for wearing the head scarves in public. “Maybe there will be a movement where people wear the head scarf in solidarity. You know, even if you’re not Muslim,” the sage Camerota said on CNN’s New Day. What’s missing from this picture is Alisyn not wearing her hijab. Surely she has one…

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