Hillary Plans to Eliminate Coughing for All Americans If Elected

NEW YORK – During a rally for millennials today, admitted coughaphobe Hillary Clinton vowed to end coughing, once and for all, for all Americans if she makes it into the White House. The promise follows her other vows to eliminate college tuition, eliminate childcare expenses, eliminate guns, and eliminate Republicans. “As many of you know, I’ve never been a fan of coughing,” Clinton told the enthusiastic crowd. “Oh sure, doctors will tell you that a cough is healthy. That’s it’s expelling a foreign substance that your body is rejecting. But…

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MSM to Use 4-Minute Cough Delay to Hide Hillary Illness From Voters

Producers from numerous outlets making up the mainstream media (MSM) have decided to use a 4-minute delay during broadcasts of appearances by Hillary Clinton, to shield their coveted low-information audience from learning about illnesses their candidate might have. “We have to do all we can in our power to protect her image,” a CBS producer said. “This delay will allow us to cut away from a sudden coughing fit Mrs. Clinton might have, and we can always just blame technical difficulties. We’ll allow ourselves to look incompetent if that’s what…

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Monica Lewinsky Still Lives Rent-Free in Hillary’s Head

Monica

LOS ANGELES – According to a renowned psychotherapist in California, Hillary Clinton’s hand gestures provide proof that, even all these years later, she still has Monica Lewinsky on the brain. The doctor chose to remain anonymous because she said she still enjoys breathing, and would prefer to not have her life snuffed out in an unfortunate accident. We’ll call her Dr. X. “Hillary’s recurring oral sex gestures on the campaign trail suggest that she is still dealing with her insecurity over not being able to pleasure her husband as well…

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