Dems Offer Reward For Anyone Finding Their Moral Authority

WASHINGTON – Democratic Party chair Tom Perez has posted an ad in the DC classifieds offering a reward to anyone who knows the whereabouts of the party’s moral authority. Unaware that Democrats lost their moral authority during the Clinton-Lewinsky years of the 1990’s, Perez is hoping someone out there can shed light on its current location. “I’m actually a little embarrassed,” Perez admitted. “We’ve been acting holier than thou when we slam Republicans about their alleged scandals, while looking the other way at misdeeds committed by our own, but I…

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Democrats Promise ‘A Better Deal’ With Same Wackos In Charge

WASHINGTON – What’s that saying? “The more things change, the more they stay the same?” That’s the game Democrats are playing with the American people as they try to put one over on the low-info crowd. The party’s Dept. of Official Slogan Creation has been working overtime to come up with their latest gem: “A Better Deal.” “Better cliches, better pandering. Papa Schumer.” This rebranding effort is sure to meet with the same success Coca-Cola had with their launch of New Coke in the 1980’s. The hype was crazy for…

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Democrats Demand Trump Start Paying Rent For Living In Their Heads

WASHINGTON – President Trump has been living rent-free in the heads of tens of millions of Democrats for well over a year now, and many are finally saying “enough is enough.” They now want reparations. “As the party of freeloaders, it pains me to say this,” a disturbed Senate Minority leader Chuck Schumer said on Saturday, “But if he’s going to live here 24/7, he needs to pay up.” Schumer was unsure when asked what he thought a fair price for head-space rental might be. Socialist Bernie Sanders admitted, “I…

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Democrats Plan to “Turn the Crazy Up to 11” After Ossoff Defeat

WASHINGTON – Proving you can’t go to the well too many times with the same terrible game plan, Democrats believe they lost the recent special election in Georgia because candidate Ossoff just wasn’t far-left enough. So, they’ve decided to ramp up the crazy. “I firmly believe that we should turn the crazy up to 11,” Senator Elizabeth Warren, referencing a line from the movie This Is Spinal Tap, said. Grandpa Bernie Sanders seconded the idea. “You can see widespread support, following this latest loss, for our ‘Queen of Crazy,’ Nancy…

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Study: More Efficient for Celebs to Flush Cash Than Donate to Democrats

flush

LOS ANGELES – A new study confirms it is more efficient for Hollywood elites to flush their political donations straight down the toilet, rather than donate to the Democratic party in an attempt to buy seats in Congress. While celebrities view their outside donations as an investment for their warped ideals, the study says there is at least some entertainment value in watching cash circle the toilet until it disappears. In contrast, there is no joy in giving millions of dollars away, only to watch your candidate go down in…

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Liberals Hyperventilating Over Paris Climate Pull Out Raising CO2 Levels!

WASHINGTON – The sky is falling! Progressive outrage, and liberals hyperventilating over President Trump’s withdrawal of the United States from the Paris Climate Accord, is causing a disturbing rise in the world’s carbon dioxide levels. Media pundits, Barack Obama, Leo DiCaprio, world leaders, Al Gore, and others overreacting to the move by Trump are having such fits that their whining and gnashing of teeth are causing CO2 levels to rise. How much, we don’t yet know. Climate scientists haven’t finished cooking the books on the numbers yet. Progressives are quoting…

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Trump Heads to Bathroom, Democrats Question Timing

WASHINGTON – President Trump got up from his chair in the Oval Office Friday afternoon and headed to the bathroom. The move has many Democrats questioning the president’s timing and motives. Why then? What was he up to in there? White House reporters and anchors from the mainstream media reported that Democrats in Congress were caught off guard by the move. In addition, CNN’s Chris Cuomo asserted that the “optics” of the move seemed highly suspicious. Senator Elizabeth Warren who, along with millions of Democrats, recently questioned the timing of…

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Numerous Democrats Injured After Making Comey Support U-Turn Too Fast

WASHINGTON – Thousands of Democrats around the country have been injured when their views and selective outrage made a sudden u-turn too fast in their support for fired FBI director James Comey. They had previously despised the man for costing Hillary Clinton the presidency. Today, suddenly, James Comey is their Jesus. Many of those injured suffered whiplash injuries from changing their support for Comey so suddenly. Normally, people will slow down to make a u-turn, but Democrats didn’t bother to brake even a little before changing course. One doctor who…

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Democrats Freaking Because Pre-Existing Condition of Liberalism May Not Be Covered

WASHINGTON – While many pre-existing conditions will be addressed as Congress continues to work out details of a new health care bill, Democrats are freaking out, worrying that their debilitating, degenerative condition known as liberalism may not be covered in new legislation. Obamacare covered this mental illness, though many Democrats could not afford the high deductibles for coverage. The condition is technically known as “Democrat’s Dementia” (DD). The name is derived from “Dem” for Democrat and the Latin suffix “-mentia,” meaning “condition of the mind.” Symptoms of DD include; automatically…

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Trump Hopes to Send Democrats to Mars By End of First Term

WASHINGTON – Speaking today to an astronaut on the International Space Station, President Trump announced that he would like to send Democrats and members of the media to Mars by the end of his first term in office. When asked which Democrats he was referring to, the president said, “ALL of them.” “They call themselves progressives, but nothing is holding this country back more than Democrats,” Trump told the astronaut. “Mars seems like a great place where they can go and live without the existence of constant racism, sexism, gender…

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