George Will Exits Republican Party, Registers As Asshole

WASHINGTON – Former establishment Republican wordsmith George Will has officially left the GOP. The poor man’s William F. Buckley, Will recently changed his party affiliation from “Republican” to “Asshole.” Progressives are hailing Will’s move to the dark side, but they don’t understand that Never Trumpers like Will, Bill Kristol, Anna Navarro, and others who pose as conservatives on network news shows, have not been considered Republicans for quite some time now. In fact, if these people revealed their true beliefs, they know they would lose their sweet gigs as so-called…

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Democrats Enter Insanity Plea in Lawsuit Against Trump, Russia, Wikileaks

WASHINGTON – In a political head-scratcher this week, the Democratic Party filed a lawsuit against President Trump’s 2016 campaign, the country of Russia, and Wikileaks. The suit accuses the three entities of colluding to make Hillary Clinton suck so bad that she lost the election. Shortly after filing the lawsuit, spearheaded by DNC chair Tom Perez, the party entered a plea of insanity for itself. Typically, a defendant would be the one entering an insanity plea in a case, but this is the Democratic Party of 2018. Perez said in…

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White House Shuts Down ‘Giant Amnesty’ Plan: No Giants Allowed

WASHINGTON – Saying America has enough problems already, White House spokesperson Sarah Sanders said today that having giants roaming the country is something the Trump administration will not stand for at this time. “President Trump is adamant that he will not sign any immigration bill that contains a ‘giant amnesty’ plan,” Sanders told reporters. “The president has 99 problems, but allowing giants into our country is not going to be one of them.” CNN’s Jim Acosta immediately asked if this decision made the president a “heightist,” and Sanders quickly made…

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Trump Blocks Democrats Memo Rebuttal Because It Sucks

memo

WASHINGTON – Saying it lacked a sense of imagination and read like it was written by a third grader, President Trump blocked the release of the Democratic rebuttal to the Republican memo on controversial FISA documents “because it sucks.” The announcement is the equivalent of being given your college research paper back from your professor and being told, “If you turn in trash like this again, I’ll have you dropped from this class.” The author of the memo, self-proclaimed ladies man Adam Schiff, was given a grade of D, with…

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Democrats Begging Tide for ‘Sour Cream and Onion’ Flavor Pods

Tide

NEW YORK – Despite warning labels telling consumers not to eat their product, people, mostly Democrats, continue to eat Procter & Gamble’s Tide Pod detergent pacs. The colorful pacs are becoming such a health issue that New York State legislators are demanding that the manufacturer stop making the pods so delicious looking. “Many of our citizens are not smart enough to know better than to eat Tide Pod detergent pacs,” a New York state representative who wished to remain anonymous declared. “Full disclosure here: I love the Spring Meadow scented…

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Groundhog Sees Democrat, Predicts 7 More Years of Trump

groundhog

PUNXSUTAWNEY – Famous groundhog Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his burrow this morning, saw several Democrats, and predicted seven more years of president Trump. The groundhog said he was appalled by what he saw. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more bitter, hateful, and miserable group of people,” Phil said. “Normally, there’s some kind of reaction when I pop out each year to make my annual predictions. This time, I come out of my warm, cozy burrow, freezing my ass off I might add, and these people are sitting on…

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Tricky Dicky Durbin Warns of Possible Government S***down

Durbin

WASHINGTON – Admitting he doesn’t like using the 4-letter word “sh*t,” Senator Tricky Dicky Durbin said today that he thinks the country is headed for a government s***down this weekend. Durbin is the senator who famously unleashed a s***storm of controversy over supposed s***hole comments made by President Trump in a meeting last week. “With all the s*** going on at the moment – this DACA s***, amnesty, that s*** about a wall, chain migration – I just don’t see how both sides are going to come together in agreement…

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Dems Offer Reward For Anyone Finding Their Moral Authority

WASHINGTON – Democratic Party chair Tom Perez has posted an ad in the DC classifieds offering a reward to anyone who knows the whereabouts of the party’s moral authority. Unaware that Democrats lost their moral authority during the Clinton-Lewinsky years of the 1990’s, Perez is hoping someone out there can shed light on its current location. “I’m actually a little embarrassed,” Perez admitted. “We’ve been acting holier than thou when we slam Republicans about their alleged scandals, while looking the other way at misdeeds committed by our own, but I…

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Democrats Promise ‘A Better Deal’ With Same Wackos In Charge

WASHINGTON – What’s that saying? “The more things change, the more they stay the same?” That’s the game Democrats are playing with the American people as they try to put one over on the low-info crowd. The party’s Dept. of Official Slogan Creation has been working overtime to come up with their latest gem: “A Better Deal.” “Better cliches, better pandering. Papa Schumer.” This rebranding effort is sure to meet with the same success Coca-Cola had with their launch of New Coke in the 1980’s. The hype was crazy for…

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Democrats Demand Trump Start Paying Rent For Living In Their Heads

WASHINGTON – President Trump has been living rent-free in the heads of tens of millions of Democrats for well over a year now, and many are finally saying “enough is enough.” They now want reparations. “As the party of freeloaders, it pains me to say this,” a disturbed Senate Minority leader Chuck Schumer said on Saturday, “But if he’s going to live here 24/7, he needs to pay up.” Schumer was unsure when asked what he thought a fair price for head-space rental might be. Socialist Bernie Sanders admitted, “I…

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