Late Show’s Colbert Officially a Turd Nugget After Calling Trump ‘Putin’s C*ck Holster’

NEW YORK – CBS has got to be grinning from ear to crooked ear after their favorite son of late night TV grabbed headlines this week for slamming President Trump. The Late Show’s Stephen Colbert referred to the president as “Putin’s c*ck holster.” You can buy a vowel if you’d like. Echoing Michelle Obama’s famous quote from the Democratic National Convention, “When they go low….we go lower,” the former first lady must be proud. Colbert has made a name for himself on TV by being a twat waffle for years…

Read More

Obama Memoir To Be Titled “Wiretap Dancing Around the Issues”

memoir

WASHINGTON – In what may be the biggest book deal bust in history, former wiretapper Barack Obama landed a deal for his memoir that will pay he and wife Michelle a reported $60 million for books from the two. Now we know what the working title for Mr. Obama’s memoir will be. “I thought ‘Wiretap Dancing Around the Issues‘ was a clever play on words, don’t you think?” Obama asked. “You know, wiretapping and tap dancing around the truth were two of my favorite things to do during my time…

Read More

Mainstream Media Trying to Pick Up Pieces After Trump Thrashing

ATLANTA – In mainstream media offices across the country, numerous so-called “journalists” were dealing with the after effects of the bolt of lightning known as the Trump press conference that hit them all yesterday. Damage was widespread. At CNN: Jake Tapper, Wolf Blitzer and Don Lemon have started wearing rubber diapers because they pee themselves every time Donald Trump opens his mouth now. Reporter Jim Acosta is being evaluated for rabies after being seen foaming at the mouth following his smack down in front of the world yesterday. At MSNBC:…

Read More

Progressive Phil Saw His Shadow Today, Six More Weeks of Whining

PUNXSUTAWNEY – Progressive Phil crawled out of his parent’s basement this morning and saw his shadow, meaning there will be six more weeks of whining for the country’s progressives. According to the Liberal Almanac, if Phil emerges from his hole on February 2, and Donald Trump is still president, there will be six more weeks of whining from those like him. For the past 8 years, the entire time Phil has worked at Starbucks, he hasn’t seen his shadow on this date. This indicated that Obama was still president, things…

Read More

Liberals Turn to “Alexa” For Answers on Stopping Trump Inauguration

LOS ANGELES – Snowflake college students and Hollywood elites have so far come up empty in their attempts to stop next week’s inauguration. Now, they’re turning to their last resort as a way to stop Donald Trump from ever becoming our 45th President. Recounts, Hollywood celebrity videos, threats to riot, and even Rosie O’Donnell calling for martial law to be implemented, have not worked. The responsibility now lies with the wisdom of Amazon Echo’s “Alexa” to come up with a workable plan. Students, celebrities, and Democrats across the country have…

Read More

Lena Dunham Wants Clitoral College to Stop Trump Presidency

clitoral

NEW YORK CITY – America’s skankheart, “actress” Lena Dunham, is outraged again now that Donald Trump has secured the presidency after the Electoral College yesterday made his victory official. Dunham, who finds it difficult to go one day without saying something truly bizarre, railed against our voting system once more. Today, after announcing that even though she’d never had an abortion, she wishes now that she had, Lena railed against the Electoral College system for voting for Donald Trump. “The fact that the EC was thought up by a bunch…

Read More

Trump, Kanye Meet, Discuss Possible Taylor Swift Role

NEW YORK CITY – Coming out from a meeting in Trump Tower, a shell-shocked Kanye West spoke to reporters in the lobby of the building, before giving the President-Elect a bro hug and leaving. The pair said they talked about “life,” and Trump said the two have known each other for a long time. Reportedly, Trump is considering Kanye for a position tweeting on the new president’s behalf and managing his official Twitter account. What could possibly go wrong? Also, Trump said he had asked for West’s advice on possibly…

Read More

Democrats Suffering From “Trumpression” Seeking Help Nationwide

PALM SPRINGS – The recent presidential election has been so devastating to many on the American Left, that millions are now seeking mental health assistance for a condition they call “Trumpression.” Trumpression is defined as “a state of prolonged sadness or apathy resulting from the smack-down of Hillary Clinton in the 2016 election by Donald Trump.” The Precious Pansy is a mental health clinic here, a safe space in the desert, that specializes in helping celebrities and average snowflakes learn survival skills for the next 4-8 years. The clinic’s director,…

Read More

Breitbart Launching Own Cereal Line: “To Hell With Kellogg’s”

BIG SATIRE – Since the Kellogg’s Co. has decided to pull its advertising from the popular conservative website Breitbart, after the Trump election apparently told the cereal giant that conservatives don’t deserve their foods anymore, Breitbart is fighting back. After hundreds of thousands of patriots started signing their #DumpKelloggs petition, Breitbart decided two can play the game. The media company has announced plans to start its own line of cereals and, showing they’re the bigger company, they’ll sell to consumers of any political affiliation. Rising conservative star Milo Yiannopoulos laid…

Read More

Trump Supporters Agree to Recount – How Great November 8 Was!

INDIANA – As Democrats spin their wheels with dreams of recounts in three states that Hillary Clinton lost, Donald Trump’s supporters are enjoying the holidays with another type of recount. Millions of Americans are recounting how happy and thankful they were when they realized we had dodged the bullet that was a Hillary presidency. In homes across the country this past Thanksgiving, families were grateful that Mr. Trump pulled out a victory on election night. The results at least give America the chance to right itself, after 8 years of…

Read More