UFC Fighter Ronda Rousey: “Now I Know How Hillary Must Have Felt”

LAS VEGAS – Following her stunning defeat in the UFC 207 fight against Amanda Nunes on Friday night, former champion Ronda Rousey was shell-shocked, and skipped the post-fight media interviews. However, she did have John Podesta come out and read a statement to supporters for her. According to ESPN, Rousey said, “Tonight was truly an ass-whooping. I never saw that one coming. Reluctantly, I applaud Amanda for the superior fight she gave me. As I sit here battered and bruised, feeling punch-drunk and trying to regain my faculties, I know…

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James Comey Appointed to Count Ballots After Speedy Email Count

WASHINGTON – Americans are ready for the national nightmare of Election 2016 to be over as soon as possible. So, to help facilitate quicker results for voters, FBI Director James Comey has been selected to personally count ballots as they come in from across the country tomorrow night. Comey sorted through, studied, cross-referenced, and speed-read through 650,000 Clinton emails in just 8 days. An incredible human feat, and probably a world record. As most Americans already know, our Constitution dictates that speed is far more important when it comes to…

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Hand Gestures Reveal Donald Trump’s Past Occupations

CLEVELAND – A body language expert has used their scientific analysis to determine Donald Trump’s hidden, past job history – based solely on his hand gestures. Following the conclusion of the Republican National Convention, where he accepted his party’s nomination for President, the expert revealed their findings to MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow. The analyst studied footage of Trump on the campaign trail this year, as well as his performance at the convention. Beverly Swanson, a body language expert from UC-Berkeley, told Maddow, “It’s very clear from my research that Mr. Trump…

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