List of Top 10 ‘Most Body-Slam Worthy’ Members of Media Released

MONTANA – So a member of the Montana GOP roughed up a member of the press. A Montana think tank has released the latest list of what they call the “Top 10 Most Body-Slam Worthy” members of our mainstream media. Montanans are a rugged bunch and they can sense when a member of the arrogant media needs a good smack down. Here is their latest list of those media types who could use having a can of whoop-ass opened on them: 10. Juan Williams – Whiny Juan, what else can…

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Georgia Democrat Jerkoff Needs More Money to Lose Runoff in June

GEORGIA – It’s being called the “Jerkoff Runoff,” the race for Georgia’s 6th district, in which Democrats had high hopes that a fresh, young pajama boy could take over a seat recently vacated by a Republican. Hollywood poured millions in out-of-state money into the race, hoping to buy the seat for Jon Jerkoff, a 30 year-old pajama boy, who is supported by his girlfriend. But Hollywood’s millions failed to lift Jerkoff above the 50% threshold needed to avoid a runoff against a Republican woman in June. So, Jerkoff needs more…

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Democrat Election Autopsy Reveals Hillary “Just Not Arrogant Enough”

BROOKLYN – On a conference call with campaign staff yesterday, John Podesta went over results of the party’s election autopsy report, trying to soothe the pain that Clinton surrogates are experiencing following Hillary’s shocking loss to Donald Trump for the presidency. “Our analysis is that Hillary, and many of us on this call, were just not arrogant enough to suit the American electorate,” Podesta explained. “We thought we, and our accomplices in the media, were about as arrogant, self-righteous, and entitled as we could be. But, looking back, you sometimes…

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Polls: Hillary/Trump Locked in Satirical Tie

AUSTIN – Pollsters at the University of Texas say that a compilation of polls from across the country show Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump locked in a satirical tie for the presidency. Results showed Clinton with a 45% – 43% lead, with 12% completely unaware there is even an election in less than two weeks. Margin of humor is plus/minus 3%, so the race is a satirical tie. Voters across all demographics admit that the thought of either candidate actually becoming an American president is highly ironic and twisted –…

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Trump to Focus on “Extreme Vetting,” Hillary on “Extreme Voting”

OHIO – During a foreign policy speech yesterday, Donald Trump explained his new plans for scrutinizing immigrants who want to come into our country. He’s calling it “extreme vetting.” Trump wants to make sure the government really has a good idea of the history and allegiances a person has before allowing them to live here. Hillary Clinton, happy to let anybody come into our country, is more of a fan of “extreme voting.” Her campaign has launched a program aimed at illegal “Dreamers,” who are not eligible to vote, but…

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Pantsuit Industry Nervous About Prospects of Hillary Loss

BANGLADESH – Speaking through an interpreter, the owner of a textile factory in this South Asian country spoke to us about the nervousness those in the third-world, pantsuit sweatshop industry are feeling should Hillary Clinton lose her bid for the US presidency this November. “It would be devastating for our workers. Nobody else wears that crap. If she wins, and beats Mr. Trump, we’re golden for at least the next four years. But, God forbid she should lose, the ripples throughout our pantsuit industry would be far-reaching.” “It’s true that…

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