Congressman Conyers’ Pastor: I Said Put Hands Up ‘High,’ Not Thigh

Conyers

DETROIT – Even the biggest gropers in our society know not to grope in church. Most of them know, anyway. Representative John Conyers, congressman from Detroit since the Middle Ages, has a new accuser who says he put his hand up her skirt during a church service. Conyers’ pastor wondered if the congressman may be hard of hearing. “I remember that sermon, and I clearly said to the congregation, ‘If the spirit moves you to, put your hands up high,’ not ‘put your hands up thigh.’ Personally, I don’t see…

Read More

Entertainment Industry Announces 2018 Grabby Nominations

HOLLYWOOD – Awards seasons is starting in earnest this time of year, as entertainers get ready to gather and pat each other on the back(sides) for their work this year. Today, the industry announced nominations for the 2018 Grabby’s. This year’s awards were open to politicians for the first time as well. Harvey Weinstein will be honored with a Lifetime Achievement Award from his peers. The award will pay tribute to the decades of tireless work behind the scenes that Weinstein has spent exploiting women and abusing his position of…

Read More

Perv Al Franken: The Video Was Funnier, Shows Me Saying Honk, Honk

MINNESOTA – Senator Al Franken, busted today for a photo showing him groping Leeann Tweeden in 2006 while she was sleeping on a flight back from the Middle East, says the public would get the joke if they could just see the video of the incident. “The photo alone makes me look really creepy and perverted,” Franken admitted, “But the video is what everybody needs to see. It’s much funnier. Right after the shot in the photo was taken, I said ‘honk, honk!’ as I squeezed my hands over her…

Read More

VP Biden Comes Out With Trump High School Fantasies

WASHINGTON – Vice-President Joe Biden raised some eyebrows today when he “came out” with some homoerotic statements about Donald Trump. When asked by a reporter if he wishes he were the one debating Trump, Biden said, “No, I wish we were in high school and I could take him behind the gym. That’s what I wish.” White House insiders say Biden has been questioning his own sexuality since President Obama’s transgender bathroom agenda became the talk of the nation. “I bet Donny looked pretty sweet in those short shorts we…

Read More