2017: Hillary Clinton Celebrates Another Year Not Spent in Prison

prison

NEW YORK – “I still don’t know how I did it!” the two-time presidential loser remarked about the fact that she still isn’t in prison as 2018 arrives. “The evidence against me is overwhelming and, after Trump took office, I just knew my luck would run out this year. Thank God for Jeff Sessions, huh?!” As a new year approaches, most people look back to assess whether the closing year was a good one or a bad one for them personally. For Hillary Clinton, the determining factor every year is…

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Vanity Fair Buys Hillary Clinton Rocking Chair for Knitting, Retiring

Vanity

NEW YORK – Afraid she wouldn’t get the hint from their article begging her never to run for office again, editors at Vanity Fair gave Hillary Clinton a rocking chair for Christmas, in addition to a knitting starter kit, to push her in the right direction. Snitches get stitches. But so do witches and bitches. Mrs. Clinton fits the latter. As everybody knows, the saying “snitches get stitches” refers to the treatment of gang members who, when caught telling on one of their own, are kicked out of the gang and…

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Hillary Hurt Again After Falling Down Most Powerful Women’s List

powerful

NEW YORK – Forbes magazine has published their latest list of the world’s most powerful women, and it saw the once invincible Hillary Clinton tumble and hurt herself again. Mrs. Clinton, the most accident prone candidate in modern political history, of course, had her own version of what caused her to crash and burn. “I was skateboarding down the banister while slamming down my third frappuccino,” Clinton explained, “When one of my wheels slid off the rails and I fell a long way down. I had been near the top…

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Colin Kaepernick: The Hillary Clinton of the Football World

NEW YORK CITY – Disgruntled kneeler, Colin Kaepernick, has become the Hillary Clinton of the National Football League. The former quarterback, just like Hillary, is on the outside looking in as the world goes on spinning without a care about them. Now, Colin is filing a grievance against NFL team owners for colluding to keep him out of football. Apparently, the team owners are the Russians, working behind the scenes to keep him off the playing field. Kaepernick is definitely working right out of Hillary’s playbook. Jerry Jones, owner of…

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Hillary Clinton Reveals How Hard Harvey Weinstein Pervert Revelations Hit Her

Harvey

NEW YORK – NO one was more shocked by the recent sexual abuse revelations about movie producer Harvey Weinstein than one of his best friends, Hillary Clinton. Because how well can you really know a best friend, right? But Hillary claims she was jolted by the story and described the impact the news had on her: “I was shocked and appalled by these sexual predator stories,” Clinton said. “I had no idea. When I heard the news, only learning of it for the first time through the media, just like…

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Hillary ‘Silence Her’ Clinton Weaponizes Stupidity With Gun Silencer Tweet

LAS VEGAS – Firearms expert and former presidential candidate, Hillary Clinton, may have stumbled upon the best slogan that anybody could come up for her. Forget ‘I’m With Her.’ After her comments regarding gun silencers, Clinton’s new moniker should be ‘Silence Her.’ In the hours immediately following the mass shooting tragedy in Las Vegas, Hillary pointed out that people ran when they heard gunshots. “Imagine how many more deaths if the shooter had a silencer,” she tweeted. Clinton clearly does not have a permit to use her stupidity in public…

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Gitmo Detainees Forced to Listen to Hillary’s What Happened Audiobook

audiobook

CUBA – Various torture techniques have become controversial over the years for prisoners incarcerated at Guantanamo Bay’s (Gitmo) famous prison. Waterboarding, electric shock and other methods have been criticized for being inhumane. As of today, President Trump has authorized what many feel could be the most sinister torture method ever used at the facility. All prisoners, regardless of their crimes, will have to endure listening to Hillary Clinton recite her endless list of excuses for losing the 2016 election from the audiobook version of her latest literary flop, What Happened.…

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Hillary Clinton Looking Like a Turtle On Book Tour Interviews

NEW YORK – In her first interview for her new book tour, Hillary Clinton looked like an old turtle craning its neck out of its shell as she spewed out more excuses for losing last year’s election to President Trump. Her new book, What the Hell Happened?, will likely move very slowly on the book charts after it’s released this month. She also admitted that despite the pain from her loss, she’s got a tough shell. Clinton munched on raw lettuce, strawberries and carrot pieces throughout the interview. And there were…

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Hillary Clinton’s New Book to be Titled “Sh*t Happened”

NEW YORK CITY – Hillary Clinton has a new book, coming out in September, in which she claims she will detail what happened that caused her to lose the election to Donald Trump. The title of the upcoming Simon & Schuster release is Sh*t Happened. The publishing firm has also released a list of other possible titles that were submitted by Clinton and her team regarding the 2016 campaign: Close, But No Cigar Huma I Kidding? Diary of a 2-Time Loser Hillary Clinton – Life of a Chronic Blamer Why…

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Hillary Clinton Still Wandering Aimlessly Through the Five Stages of Loss

NEW YORK – Still denying reality, two-time presidential loser Hillary Clinton is mired in the stages of grief and loss, nearly seven months after her defeat to President Trump. Because she refuses to admit that she herself was the reason she lost, she continues to wander aimlessly in the political world. Hillary has her own unique five stages to work through. These stages of loss are 1) denial, 2) making excuses, 3) making more excuses, 4) realizing you suck, and 5) admitting you’re no good at whatever it was you were doing that you lost.…

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