Hillary Clinton’s New Book to be Titled “Sh*t Happened”

NEW YORK CITY – Hillary Clinton has a new book, coming out in September, in which she claims she will detail what happened that caused her to lose the election to Donald Trump. The title of the upcoming Simon & Schuster release is Sh*t Happened. The publishing firm has also released a list of other possible titles that were submitted by Clinton and her team regarding the 2016 campaign: Close, But No Cigar Huma I Kidding? Diary of a 2-Time Loser Hillary Clinton – Life of a Chronic Blamer Why…

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Hillary Clinton Still Wandering Aimlessly Through the Five Stages of Loss

NEW YORK – Still denying reality, two-time presidential loser Hillary Clinton is mired in the stages of grief and loss, nearly seven months after her defeat to President Trump. Because she refuses to admit that she herself was the reason she lost, she continues to wander aimlessly in the political world. Hillary has her own unique five stages to work through. These stages of loss are 1) denial, 2) making excuses, 3) making more excuses, 4) realizing you suck, and 5) admitting you’re no good at whatever it was you were doing that you lost.…

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Hillary Uses Her New Throat Lozenge During Alma Mater’s Coughmencement Speech

WELLESLEY COLLEGE – Hillary Clinton delivered the commencement speech at her alma mater this week. However, during what can be called her “coughmencement” address, she started hacking away like she did numerous times on the campaign trail in 2016. During this coughing fit, she pulled out a throat lozenge and popped it in her mouth. What she didn’t tell anyone is that she has had a special cough drop made just for her. “The two things I’m best known for is lying and having coughing fits at inopportune times,” the…

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Hillary Appoints Self “President of the United Woods of Chappaqua”

NEW YORK – Trying to hang on to some shred of relevancy, failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has finally triumphed in her bid to be president of something. She announced today that she is now the “President of the United Woods of Chappaqua.” Hillary out-campaigned a beaver, a gray fox, and a young, upstart muskrat to win the title. She will now serve as the supreme ruler over all wildlife in the forests around the hamlet of Chappaqua. Mrs. Clinton took nothing for granted this time around, and is taking…

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Hillary 2017-18 Calendar Released and Every Day is October 27, 2016

NEW YORK – Hillary Clinton and her new resistance to President Trump super PAC have released her new calendar for the rest of 2017 and 2018. It’s a little different from most calendars, since every day of the year is marked October 27, 2016. The 10-27-16 date is a nod to her recent public comment that “If the election had been held on October 27th, I’d be your president.” Hillary has never moved on past that date. The next day, FBI Director Jimmy Comey dropped a bomb on her campaign…

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Success! After 100 Days of Trump Presidency, Hillary Still Not President

WASHINGTON – There is tons of talk by the mainstream media about their invented “first 100 days” schedule for presidents to get things accomplished, and whether or not said presidency is a success based on those accomplishments. One guarantee that can be made here, however: President Trump will enjoy looking back on his first 100 days in office with much more satisfaction than Hillary Clinton celebrating her 100 days of NOT being president. Yes, 100 days into the current administration, and Hillary still sucks. It appears that she will continue…

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Hillary Clinton Reduced to Modeling Shoes For Today’s Unlikable Woman

NEW YORK – She’s certainly not Cinderella, but Hillary Clinton has now been reduced to pimping shoes for singer Katy Perry’s fashion line. The new pumps cost $139 and feature clear acrylic heels. The shoes are designed for the unlikable female CEO, politicians, and streetwalkers. The fashion pumps are called “The Hillary” and come in two colors. The see-through heels have little golden moons and stars suspended in them, supposedly symbolizing an unlikable woman “stepping in and reaching for the stars.” She’s always striving to break that acrylic ceiling. Hillary…

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The New Hillary Clinton – Rapper, Poet, Comedian

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SAN FRANCISCO – Speaking to a women’s business group yesterday, recently-freed-from-the-wilds Hillary Clinton workshopped her clever new mantra for 2017. She delighted the audience with jokes, rhymes, and card tricks (race card, sexist card, etc.). The highlight of the performance speech was when Hillary broke into a rap – accompanied by a sick beat – and unveiled her new empowering motto, titled “Resist, Insist, Persist, Enlist.” The women attending the speech thought it was the most profound thing they had ever heard.   Mrs. Clinton admitted she had worked on…

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Hillary Ready to Come Out of the Woods, End Hibernation

SCRANTON – Hillary Clinton, appearing disheveled and smelly, told a St. Patrick’s Day audience that she was ending her winter hibernation and was “ready to come out of the woods.” Mrs. Clinton has been sleeping in a cave for most of the winter, living off of stored body fat, and scavenging for food since shortly after her defeat to Donald Trump last fall. “I have a hard time watching the news, I’ll confess,” she said. “And by that, I mean I never could figure out how to get TV in…

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Democrats Open to Having Hillary Stuffed, Run for Offices Forever

stuffed

NEW YORK – As rumors swirl about the possibility of Hillary Clinton running for mayor of New York City in the city’s next election, many wonder if Democrats will ever be able to let go of Bill and Hillary. The answer appears to be “not anytime soon.” Hillary Clinton should not even be mentioned with the words “public office” ever again. She had her chance(s). But, it appears, Democrats just don’t know how to quit Hillary. Man-on-the-street interviews, conducted at both the campuses of UC Berkeley and University of Wisconsin-Madison,…

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