London Mayor Khan: “Come for the Landmarks, Stay for the Terror”

Khan

LONDON – The city’s left-wing mayor, Sadiq Khan, wants the world to know that his city is open and ready for business, despite several recent terrorist attacks which have put London on edge. While not wanting to address the obvious radical Islamist element in his city, Khan recognizes that terror can be bad for tourism. “Look, anytime you decide to go on an international vacation, you’re taking your life in your own hands. None of us knows when or how Allah is going to call us home,” Sadiq matter-of-factly stated.…

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ISIS Claims Responsibility for Kathy Griffin’s Trump Beheading

SYRIA – ISIS leaders have issued a statement praising the brave act of assassination porn committed by D-list comedienne Kathy Griffin. The terror group is calling Griffin “an unfunny attention whore lioness who will be elevated to the C-list in heaven someday.” Griffin published a bizarre picture of her holding a mock bloody, severed head of President Trump. After getting slammed on social media, she has issued a half-assed apology that is as worthless as running shoes are to Michael Moore. ISIS claims Griffin became radicalized as a Democrat years…

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ISIS Cheer Squad Rated Worst in World for Third Straight Year

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RAQQA – ISIS has evolved since its inception in many ways. To give some of the more athletic militant fighters a creative outlet, the ISIS Cheer Squad was formed three years ago. The team has never competed in person at a competition, but they have submitted videos of their routines. For the third year in a row, the group has been awarded the worst cheer squad in the world by the World Cheer Association. Disappointed but undeterred, the team’s coach believes they will someday be taken seriously. Amjad, a ISIS…

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ISIS Weighs in on Trump/Machado Weight War

machado

MOSUL – There are serious problems in our world today, but none more dire than the insensitive words presidential candidate Donald Trump supposedly said to a Venezuelan Miss Universe 20 years ago. Trump reportedly called the beauty contestant “Miss Piggy,” damaging, forever, her self-esteem. The revelations have rocked the world, and even leaders of the terror group ISIS have been affected by the hurtful language. A media spokesman for ISIS said, “We are very concerned about the language Mr. Trump used against this woman 20 years ago. If he would…

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ISIS Gives Obama Couple of Months Off to Campaign for Hillary

PHILADELPHIA – As Hillary Clinton stepped off a curb and caught pneumonia last week, President Obama stepped up behind the podium to campaign for her. Like the rest of us, Obama can’t stand Hillary – but he values his legacy more than life itself. He only has a few months left in office (thank God), and fortunately for him, leaders of ISIS have decided to let him have the next couple of months off from his job to campaign for Mrs. Clinton.   A masked ISIS general said, “We understand…

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ISIS Tired of ‘Religion of Peace’ for Islam, Says ‘Religion of Democrats’ More Accurate

MOSUL – Leaders of terror group ISIS, not ISIL, feel that the worn out motto for Islam – the “Religion of Peace” – no longer adequately describes Islam as a whole. They have decided a more accurate and marketable name is “Islam: Religion of Democrats.” Admitting they do nothing to make Islam “peaceful,” they said the move just makes sense from a recruiting standpoint. Citing President Obama’s constant sympathizing with jihadists, and a commitment to the religion of political correctness to the point of excusing Muslims from any appearance of…

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John Kerry Describes Why Air Conditioners Are as Deadly as ISIS

OVER THE ATLANTIC (The Barbed Wire) – Flying back to the States from another failed foreign policy mission, Secretary of State John Kerry was asked by the press to clarify his recent asinine remarks that equated air conditioners being as deadly to our population as ISIS. Here is Kerry’s response: Those of you who know me know what a complete loon I am about climate change, global warming, whatever we want to call it. That’s not what I’m talking about here. I read in the paper that media reports had twisted…

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