AG Sessions Unveils “Snitches Get Stitches” Policy To Stop Leaks

snitches

WASHINGTON – Persistent leaks within the Trump administration continue to be a thorn in the side of the president’s agenda getting implemented. So today, Attorney General Jeff Sessions held a press conference to warn would-be leakers that his team is now bringing down the hammer on such activities. “We’re here today to announce our ‘Snitches Get Stitches’ policy toward those who would attempt to leak sensitive information to the press, in hopes of damaging the president, his administration, or his agenda. In short, I’ll now cut a bitch if I…

Read More

Attorney General Sessions’ Russian Bombshell: “I Enjoyed Rocky IV”

Russian

WASHINGTON – In a bombshell report by the press wizards at CNN, audio has been uncovered showing just how deep the connection is between Attorney General Jeff Sessions and his involvement with Russia. In a 1990 interview, Sessions admitted he was a fan of Rocky IV. “I enjoyed Rocky IV and the epic battle between the Italian Stallion and Ivan Drago, the Russian fighting machine,” Sessions told a reporter. “The way Rocky pulled off a ‘David vs. Goliath’ win, during those Cold War days, was just what America needed at…

Read More

Reebok Honors Liz Warren With “Nevertheless, She Perspired” Shirt

Reebok

CANTON, MA – In case you missed it, last week on the floor of the US Senate, Mass. Senator Elizabeth Warren was chastised for rebuking fellow Senator Jeff Sessions in the lead up to his confirmation as the new Attorney General. The incident lead to local athletic manufacturer Reebok releasing a new t-shirt to show support for Warren. Her tormentor? Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. While Liz feels she was unfairly targeted, McConnell gave his explanation of what happened: “Senator Warren was droning on and on about some letter she…

Read More

Senate Shuts Up Liz Warren for Violating Free Screech Rules

WASHINGTON – Senator Elizabeth “Angry Owl” Warren was told to shut up and sit down as she continued to screech about fellow Senator Jeff Sessions on the Senate floor last night. “Angry Owl” is Warren’s given Cherokee Indian name. Warren had been trash screeching Senator Sessions because she doesn’t want to see him get approved to become our next Attorney General. She was first warned that she was crossing a decorum line in the Senate chamber, at which point she turned her head completely around and freaked out those in…

Read More