Democrats Demand Trump Start Paying Rent For Living In Their Heads

WASHINGTON – President Trump has been living rent-free in the heads of tens of millions of Democrats for well over a year now, and many are finally saying “enough is enough.” They now want reparations. “As the party of freeloaders, it pains me to say this,” a disturbed Senate Minority leader Chuck Schumer said on Saturday, “But if he’s going to live here 24/7, he needs to pay up.” Schumer was unsure when asked what he thought a fair price for head-space rental might be. Socialist Bernie Sanders admitted, “I…

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The New Hillary Clinton – Rapper, Poet, Comedian

Clinton

SAN FRANCISCO – Speaking to a women’s business group yesterday, recently-freed-from-the-wilds Hillary Clinton workshopped her clever new mantra for 2017. She delighted the audience with jokes, rhymes, and card tricks (race card, sexist card, etc.). The highlight of the performance speech was when Hillary broke into a rap – accompanied by a sick beat – and unveiled her new empowering motto, titled “Resist, Insist, Persist, Enlist.” The women attending the speech thought it was the most profound thing they had ever heard.   Mrs. Clinton admitted she had worked on…

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Democrats’ Knees Continue to Jerk, No Cure in Sight

WASHINGTON – Due to extreme, overused knee-jerking on issue after issue, doctors are reporting a steep increase each year in knee problems from their patients who identify as Democrats. Sadly, the ailment is NOT covered by Obamacare. Dr. Bernard Ackerman, an orthopedic specialist at MedStar Washington Hospital Center, described two very recent cases for us: “Just in the last 24 hours, we’ve seen numerous knee injuries from unnecessary knee-jerk reactions following the incident on the Ohio State University campus. In that case, a Somali refugee used his car and a…

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“Drug-Fueled” Kaine and Disabled Ticket Takes Hit After VP Debate

VIRGINIA – After watching the Vice-Presidential debate on Tuesday, one thing was clear – Tim Kaine must have been on something. He was up and down and all over the place. And that was just his eyebrows. Kaine came off, even to many in his own party, as manic, hyper, out of control. He interrupted opponent Mike Pence 57 times during the 90-minute debate, causing most on social media to declare Pence the easy winner. No one knows what Kaine might have been cruising on. Was it lidoKaine, benzoKaine, novoKaine,…

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Huma Abedin: “Muslim Faith Helped Me Hold On To My Weiner”

CLEVELAND – After wrapping up a campaign event here for her boss, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, Huma Abedin told reporters that it was her Muslim faith that saw her through rocky times with her idiot husband, professional sexter Anthony Weiner. “Truly, the only way I was able to hold on to my weiner during those turbulent times was holding fast to my faith. My religious leaders acknowledged that what Anthony did to me was a dick move, but if I ever wanted to be intimate with my weiner again, it…

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Trump Drops Border Wall Talk: “We’ll Use Lasers”

lasers

NEW YORK – Presidential candidate Donald Trump has updated his vision for solving America’s illegal immigration problem. Trump has been criticized for his talk about constructing a tall wall along the southern border with Mexico. He’s now thinking a little more futuristic. “Lasers, that’s what we’ll use,” the billionaire said. “A wall will look dated and unattractive years from now. And we have the technology to go high-tech in addressing this problem. I believe it would be more cost effective to use an array of lasers, linked together, to form…

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Pantsuit Industry Nervous About Prospects of Hillary Loss

BANGLADESH – Speaking through an interpreter, the owner of a textile factory in this South Asian country spoke to us about the nervousness those in the third-world, pantsuit sweatshop industry are feeling should Hillary Clinton lose her bid for the US presidency this November. “It would be devastating for our workers. Nobody else wears that crap. If she wins, and beats Mr. Trump, we’re golden for at least the next four years. But, God forbid she should lose, the ripples throughout our pantsuit industry would be far-reaching.” “It’s true that…

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Latino Group Gives Hillary “Four Pendejos” For Email Lies

Hillary pendejo

LAS VEGAS – Politicians are known for lying to us, but Hillary Clinton lies to the point of insanity. Her latest effort has caused the Latino Bikers for Trump group (LBT) to give her “4 Pendejos” for thinking she’s telling the truth about her email debacle. Fact checking publications routinely give politicians 1-4 “Pinocchios” for a misstatement of fact, awarding a “1” for mild spin, to “4 Pinocchios” for full-blown making crap up that you can’t possibly believe the public is going to buy. On Fox News this past weekend,…

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Recap of Democratic National Convention – ICYMI

dnc convention

PHILLY – For those who may have missed the splendor of the Democratic National Convention, here is a recap of highlights from the event: Monday – The convention was kicked off on Monday with a partial-birth abortion on the stage. The unknown baby was sacrificed to the election gods as Planned Parenthood’s Cecile Richards and delegates danced and chanted, hoping (but not praying) the gods will smile on their candidate on November 8. Many in attendance were distressed over emails made public by WikiLeaks, showing Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, and others within…

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Hillary Promises to Thank Bernie-Bots for Being “Useful Idiots”

Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders

PHILLY – In a move designed to bring unity to the party, Hillary Clinton’s campaign has leaked to the media that Mrs. Clinton does plan to at least thank Bernie Sanders’s supporters for serving as very dutiful “useful idiots” in her march to the presidency. Early rumors were that Hillary planned to ignore the Bernie-bots, hoping they would go away. Since they won’t, she believes a quick thank you will go a long way toward healing the anger caused by email revelations that the game was rigged in her favor…

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