Already 78, Certifiably Insane Maxine Waters Eyes 2020 WH Run

WASHINGTON – She’s insane, and would be in her 80’s by then, but California nutjob Maxine Waters says she’ll consider a run for the White House in 2020 – if millennials want her to. She’s heading to New Hampshire this weekend for a Democratic party event. “I think it’s important that we have someone in the White House who is already detached from reality,” Waters said. “And I will never stop calling for Trump’s impeachment. In fact, if I’m elected, I’ll impeach him myself on day one of my presidency!”…

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Hillary Appoints Self “President of the United Woods of Chappaqua”

NEW YORK – Trying to hang on to some shred of relevancy, failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has finally triumphed in her bid to be president of something. She announced today that she is now the “President of the United Woods of Chappaqua.” Hillary out-campaigned a beaver, a gray fox, and a young, upstart muskrat to win the title. She will now serve as the supreme ruler over all wildlife in the forests around the hamlet of Chappaqua. Mrs. Clinton took nothing for granted this time around, and is taking…

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Trump Signs Four Executive Orders in His Sleep

WASHINGTON – President Trump is in the zone. He’s come out of the gate at full speed during his first week in office. Following a flurry of executive orders that were needed to begin repairing the damage that was the Obama presidency, Trump is a dynamo. So much so, that House Speaker Paul Ryan announced the president signed four more executive orders in his sleep last night. It’s well known that the president only sleeps a few hours each night, and it doesn’t seem that even his down time slows…

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Obama Awards Himself “Greatest President Ever” Medal During Farewell

award

CHICAGO – With gunshots ringing out and ambulance sirens in the background, President Obama gave his “pat myself on the back” farewell speech in bullet-riddled Chicago last night. His audience was mesmerized and brought to tears during his 51-minute self-lovefest. In fact, Obama’s farewell speech clocked in at 10 minutes longer than the farewell speeches of President’s Reagan, Clinton, and Bush combined – proving how great he is. However, if you remove the references of “I” and “Me,” along with the time he spent between remarks, holding his chin high…

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Looking Back On All the Ways Obama Made America a Better Place

As the Obama’s wind up their farewell tour, it’s time to look back and list all the many ways President Obama made America a better place during his 8 years in office. Below, we’ve compiled a list of major contributions Mr. Obama made to our country, and the many ways he will be fondly remembered for bringing our culture – and the world – closer together: Uh………. Wait, I know there must be something… Hold on… Nope. Sorry.  

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