Progressives Detail Guilty Gun’s Timeline in Texas Church Mass Shooting

TWITTERVERSE – The nation’s progressives have determined exactly what caused the tragic mass shooting by an AR-15 in a small Texas town on Sunday. Twenty-six innocents were killed when the gun went berserk and shot up a church in Sutherland Springs, Texas, with dozens more left injured. According to the country’s oracles and keepers of all knowledge, liberal progressives, here is the timeline of the deadly attack: 9:55 am – AR-15 decided today was the day to kill. Gun owner Devin Kelley was startled to awake with the gun pointing…

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Feud Between Cuddling, Spooning Industries Intensifies Under Trump

CALIFORNIA – When you have a hard time dealing with reality, what do you do? Human nature is to try to learn to deal with whatever the problem is. But if you’re a progressive, college liberal, or low-info Democrat, that strategy is not going to work for you. Thus, the professional cuddling and the professional spooning industries have emerged to help those who need extra comforting. And business is booming during the Trump presidency. There is trouble in paradise though, as the competing businesses fight it out for snowflake dollars.…

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Shakespeare Embarrassed by Trump Assassination Play in Park

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NEW YORK – The ghost of William Shakespeare appeared tonight in Manhattan, briefly, and expressed his disgust and embarrassment at the way progressives have bastardized his play Julius Caesar with their interpretation of it. The left has inserted a President Trump character in the leading role, and are calling it art. “What are these fools doing to my work?!” an exasperated Shakespeare asked. “The left should not be afraid of Trump. Some are born Trump, some achieve Trumpness, and some have Trumpness thrust upon them. That’s just life.” “Like I always…

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Some Progressives Unaware ‘The Purge’ Was Just a Movie

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WASHINGTON – Apparently, many on the left were not aware that The Purge was just a movie, and is not a thing in real life. The shooting of a congressman, and other Republicans, by a crazy progressive, shows us that. Many in the fascist antifa movement even dress just like characters from The Purge movies. And based on their actions, they act like “purging” their enemies is an actual event. The left has tried to turn the spotlight back on the right, blaming President Trump’s rhetoric for their craziness. It just…

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Progressive Phil Saw His Shadow Today, Six More Weeks of Whining

PUNXSUTAWNEY – Progressive Phil crawled out of his parent’s basement this morning and saw his shadow, meaning there will be six more weeks of whining for the country’s progressives. According to the Liberal Almanac, if Phil emerges from his hole on February 2, and Donald Trump is still president, there will be six more weeks of whining from those like him. For the past 8 years, the entire time Phil has worked at Starbucks, he hasn’t seen his shadow on this date. This indicated that Obama was still president, things…

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