Dems Outraged Trump UN Speech Contained No Bowing, Apologies

NEW YORK – Hospitals nationwide reported a surge in hyperventilation cases being presented by progressives and democrats after President Trump referred to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un as “Rocket Man.” But they were upset by so much more. The following are some of the criticisms voiced by various pundits and Democrats immediately following the president’s address to the United Nations today: 17 year-old former White House spokesboy Josh Earnest – “The president’s speech was foolish, incoherent, and very unObama-like.” CNN contributor David Gergen – “I didn’t see a single bow…

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Jennifer Lawrence’s “Mother!” Bombs So Badly Sequel Already Announced

HOLLYWOOD – Paramount Pictures has announced the Jennifer Lawrence (J.Law) movie mother! (stylized with a lower-case m) has performed so poorly at the box office that the studio just has to make another one. The sequel, tentatively scheduled for a 2019 release date, will be titled mother! f*cker! The sequel title is a nod to the reactions of both Paramount executives and Lawrence when they saw opening weekend numbers for the flop. For Lawrence, the blame for the dismal attendance to the movie can be pinned on one person – President Trump.…

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Gitmo Detainees Forced to Listen to Hillary’s What Happened Audiobook

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CUBA – Various torture techniques have become controversial over the years for prisoners incarcerated at Guantanamo Bay’s (Gitmo) famous prison. Waterboarding, electric shock and other methods have been criticized for being inhumane. As of today, President Trump has authorized what many feel could be the most sinister torture method ever used at the facility. All prisoners, regardless of their crimes, will have to endure listening to Hillary Clinton recite her endless list of excuses for losing the 2016 election from the audiobook version of her latest literary flop, What Happened.…

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Hillary Clinton Looking Like a Turtle On Book Tour Interviews

NEW YORK – In her first interview for her new book tour, Hillary Clinton looked like an old turtle craning its neck out of its shell as she spewed out more excuses for losing last year’s election to President Trump. Her new book, What the Hell Happened?, will likely move very slowly on the book charts after it’s released this month. She also admitted that despite the pain from her loss, she’s got a tough shell. Clinton munched on raw lettuce, strawberries and carrot pieces throughout the interview. And there were…

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Late Show’s Stephen Colbert Comes Out as Nazi

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NEW YORK – Late night television host Stephen Colbert shocked the entertainment world last night when he came out as a Nazi during his show. The Late Show comedian was in the middle of his monologue when he suddenly gave a Nazi salute. Colbert later explained his actions. “Look, I’ve long felt that progressives were a superior people to conservatives. And, if I could, I’d round up all conservatives and republicans, put them on trains, and send them off to the ovens. My good friend Chelsea Handler has even told…

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Cher Offers Home as Sanctuary, Tells DREAMERS “I Got You Babe”

MALIBU – Hollywood moonbat Cher is offering to open her home to “Dreamers” as a sanctuary to protect those children who arrived illegally in our country, and who have grown up in America, but remain illegal aliens. President Trump is hoping to discontinue Barack Obama’s unconstitutional DACA order, and that’s all Cher needed to hear to set her off. “That idiot in the White House wants to enforce immigration laws that are already on the books?!” a shell-shocked Cher shouted. “Over my dead, plastic body!!! He can go to hell. I’ll…

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Alt-Left Media: “Why Didn’t Trump Provide Live Hurricane Coverage Himself?”

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NEW YORK – Members of the alt-left media are disgusted that President Trump didn’t volunteer to provide live coverage to the public as Hurricane Harvey made landfall Friday night. They said they would only be happy had the president put his own life in danger at the worst of the storm. As high winds and flooding rains slammed the Texas coast, CNN’s Don Lemon told viewers, “If the president really cared for Texans, he would have put himself in harm’s way to give them the most accurate reports of deteriorating…

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Sports Announcer Robert Lee Forced to Surrender to ESPN

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VIRGINIA – On a Civil War battlefield this afternoon, executives for left-wing sports network ESPN forced an Asian-American announcer named Robert Lee to surrender his job of broadcasting the season opener for the Virginia football team – because of his uncanny resemblance to Confederate General Robert E. Lee. The name Robert E. Lee is a known trigger for those on the left, even causing some to go into fits of rage and destroy public property. ESPN couldn’t take a chance on offending fascist, zombie snowflakes, and now the network feels…

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Next Up: Left-Wing Fascists Want All Statues of Rodin’s “The Thinker” Removed

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BOSTON – During the free speech rally here today, numerous anti-free speech, urine-throwing ANTIFA protesters said Confederate statue destruction is just the start. Next, the hate group wants to get rid of all statues of Rodin’s famous The Thinker. Why? ANTIFA peeps don’t like thinking very much. Lionel Durrell, a paid protester from New Jersey, said the sculpture represents thinking for oneself, and there’s no room for that in our world today. Others in the vicinity of Durrell supported his logic. “You know that one with the dude who looks like…

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Democrats Say Senator Wanting Trump Assassination ‘Mis-typed’

assassination

MISSOURI – State Senator Maria Chappelle-Nadal is in deep doo-doo. The angry, black politician posted a status on her personal Facebook account this week, saying, “I hope Trump is assassinated!” It’s a bad move for a left or right-wing nutjob, but even worse coming from a politician who should know better. State and national democrats are now in full damage control, caught between defending their senator and taking action to have her removed from office. Nadal’s official excuse is “Out of anger and frustration, I said something that could have been…

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