Tricky Dicky Durbin Warns of Possible Government S***down

Durbin

WASHINGTON – Admitting he doesn’t like using the 4-letter word “sh*t,” Senator Tricky Dicky Durbin said today that he thinks the country is headed for a government s***down this weekend. Durbin is the senator who famously unleashed a s***storm of controversy over supposed s***hole comments made by President Trump in a meeting last week. “With all the s*** going on at the moment – this DACA s***, amnesty, that s*** about a wall, chain migration – I just don’t see how both sides are going to come together in agreement…

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After Physical, Media Crushed That Trump Not On Deathbed

media

WASHINGTON – A dispirited media had to agonize through a nearly one-hour press conference by President Trump’s doctor, in which he informed them the president is in excellent health. Mr. Trump endured a full physical, lab work, and a mental competency test last Friday. After hearing the terrible news (to them) that Trump is not on his deathbed, members of the media relentlessly peppered the doctor with questions they hoped would provoke some tidbit of information they could twist to use against President Trump. Some of the questions shouted by…

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Bradley Manning’s Alter-Ego to Run for US Senate in Maryland

BALTIMORE – The boy named Chelsea/Bradley Manning, who was jailed for stealing classified government documents, before being given a get-out-of-jail-free card by Barack Obama, has filed paperwork to enter and lose the race for a U.S. senate seat in Maryland. Bradley, who pretends to live as a woman, said that if he wins the senate seat in November, he may decide to become a congressman instead. “I might decide to switch.” He plans to run as a Democrat, of course. Manning believes his experience in stealing classified information will be…

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Trump Explains Shithole Comment to Shithead Media

DC – Members of the fake news media are running around with their heads on fire tonight after what they perceive to be a racist comment by President Trump. During a meeting with lawmakers on immigration today, Trump asked aloud why America is accepting so many people from “shithole countries” like Haiti and places in Africa. He then said he would rather have people coming from Norway instead. Norway’s population is mostly white. Haiti and Africa consist of mainly black people. That’s all the media needed to hear. They’re now…

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CNN Poll: Oprah 60% Jesus 28% Trump 12% for 2020

ATLANTA – CNN sees 2020 as the second coming of Oprah for president. Even Jesus couldn’t beat her. And Trump might as well quit now. That’s the result of the network’s latest poll on possible presidential candidates for the next election cycle. Anchor Jake Tapper said CNN polled 896 random viewers of their network. The margin of error for the poll was +/- 25%. Digging through the data, some insights among those polled were discovered: Breakdown by political affiliation of those polled – 55% Democrat, 35% Independent, 10% Republican. This…

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Black Dresses Newest Defense Weapon Against Sexual Assault

dresses

LOS ANGELES – Following the success of Hollywood actresses at the Golden Globes Awards show last weekend putting an end to sexual harassment, self-defense experts are urging all women to wear black dresses whenever they leave the house as the latest way to ward off potential assaults. “If you’ll notice,” Consuela Jackson of Beverly Hills Jiu-Jitsu Club remarked, “There was not one single rape or sexual assault of any of the actresses who wore black dresses to The Globes the other night. I think that speaks volumes.” Most experts are…

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Michael Wolff’s New Book Fire and Fury: My Battle Passing a Kidney Stone

fury

NEW YORK – Author Michael Wolff, the hit-piece writer who Sloppy Steve Bannon allowed access to the White House during President Trump’s first term, has released his much talked about book,¬†Fire and Fury: My Battle Passing a Kidney Stone. The book contains a few political punches because the episode occurred while Wolff was at the White House. “I’ve never felt that kind of pain,” Wolff wrote. “I was taping a conversation I was having with Ivanka, and thinking about how I was going to twist her words to make her…

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Most Women Still Insist Size of Nuclear Button Matters

WASHINGTON – President Trump upped the ante yesterday in the escalating nuclear war of words between the United States and North Korea. After NK’s leader Kim Jong-un bragged about his nuclear button, President Trump reminded the world that his nuclear button is bigger – and works better – than Kim’s. Critics of President Trump aren’t happy with his ‘size’ statements, saying that when it comes to nuclear weapons, size doesn’t matter. That as long as you can get the job done, that’s all that matters. However, a majority of American…

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Bomb Cyclone and Other New Scary Weather Terms for 2018

AUSTIN – Meteorologists frustrated with the American public’s reluctance to buy into their constant scare tactics about climate change are hoping an update to their weather glossary will work better. Just today, as a nor’easter bears down on the east coast, media reports referred to the storm as a “Bomb Cyclone.” OMG! Other new weather terms for 2018 will be announced at a weather symposium this weekend in Austin, Texas by Penn State glaciologist, Dr. Richard Allee. Among the new terms to be used in addition to “bomb cyclone” to…

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Trump Says 2018 So Bright We’ve Gotta Wear Shades

shades

MAR-A-LAGO – As America rang in the new year, President Trump told the country “2018’s so bright, we’ve gotta wear shades.” Referencing a song by the ’80’s group Timbuk 3, he said 2018 will be a stellar one for both the American economy and the country’s standing in the world. He conceded that the haters would continue to be “blinded by the light,” to “trip the merry-go-round,” and remain in the dark as to why he won the presidency in the first place. Trump said those in the fake news…

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