Skyscraper Raccoon’s Friends: Dude’s Always Been Adrenaline Junkie

ST. PAUL – A raccoon took a dare from a skunk who bet him he couldn’t scale a nearby 2-story house. The raccoon laughed, and then climbed to the top of a 25-story, city skyscraper. The embarrassed skunk slipped into the woods and hasn’t been seen since. But why did the raccoon do it? According to some of his forest friends, the raccoon has always been a little ‘off.’ “Dude’s always been an adrenaline junkie,” one jackrabbit said. “I’ve known him since we were little. He was always base jumping…

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Imprint Left After Trump Defeats France’s Macron in Thumb Wrestling

imprint

CANADA – At this week’s G7 summit in Quebec, French President Emmanuel Macron tried to assert his dominance over President Trump by engaging in a surprise thumb wrestling contest. The dual lasted less than 7 seconds and left an imprint of Macron’s digit on Trump’s hand. According to White House spokesperson Sarah Sanders: “The president did not appreciate President Macron’s sad attempt at trying to out-alpha him. When Mr. Macron launched his unprovoked thumb wrestling attack, President Trump used several rope-a-dope thumb maneuvers to quickly subdue Macron and end the…

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TBS’s Samantha Cee-Word Learns a New Big Word

Samantha

NEW YORK CITY – Unfunny Full Frontal show host Samantha Bee/Cee (depending on whether she’s being a Bee-otch or a C–t that day) learned a new, big word yesterday. She immediately used her TBS show to workshop the latest addition to her limited vocabulary. She used the term “feckless c–t” to describe Ivanka Trump during an immigration rant. “I had never heard the word ‘feckless’ until it showed up on my cue cards,” Samantha admitted today. “We have some really smart writers on our show. It’s a perfect word to…

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Roseanne Lands Role In Next Planet of the Apes Reboot

LOS ANGELES – Fired sitcom actress Roseanne Barr already has an upcoming gig. The comedian had her show on ABC cancelled after going on an Ambien-fueled Twitter rant in which she referred to Obama sidekick Valerie Jarrett as the potential offspring of a Muslim Brotherhood and Planet of the Apes coupling. However, the firing of Roseanne has freed her up to accept new roles, including a lead character in the next installment of the Planet of the Apes saga. The next film, which will start pre-production in late 2018, is…

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Ex-CIA Chief John Brennan Rushed to Hospital After Accidentally Smiling

Brennan

WASHINGTON – Former head of the Obama-era CIA, John Brennan, was airlifted to a local hospital yesterday after he accidentally smiled. Thanks to the quick action of his security detail, he’s expected to make a full, but angry, recovery. Speaking on anonymity, one of Brennan’s bodyguards said, “We don’t know what could have happened to cause his sudden change in expression. At first, we assumed something bad must have happened to President Trump and he was having a reaction to that news. But we later confirmed that the president is…

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Kim Tells North Koreans Trump Stood Him Up

PINGPONG – Like a chubby kid whose prom date never showed, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un dejectedly announced to his people today that he had been stood up by the American president. President Trump said today that he’ll be a no-show at the planned get-together between the two leaders on June 12 in Singapore. “Did he get a better offer?” Kim asked, speaking through tears. A trusted general in Kim’s inner circle leaned over and said, “Maybe he’s just not that into you, Mr. Chairman…” Kim immediately had the general…

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West Hollywood to Present Stormy Daniels With Dildo to the City

CALI – Most cities use a key, but, whatevs. The mayor of West Hollywood is set to present porn actress/stripper/activist Stormy Daniels with a dildo to the city today. Daniels is being honored for “her leadership in the #RESIST movement.” The mayor has also proclaimed May 23 ‘Stormy Daniels Day.’ The ceremony will be held in the parking lot of an In-N-Out burger location, which makes sense.  California progressives hope that young girls in the state will see that Stormy is a great role model for them to emulate. “If…

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George Will Once Considered Writing An Article in Layman’s Terms

WASHINGTON – Priggish political commentator George Will made headlines this week when he referred to Vice-President Mike Pence as “oleaginous” and “obsequious.” Ouch. Who among us hasn’t used those words in insulting a rival on the school playground in our younger days? Still, Will can be operose for the average American to understand. He’s never been one to mince words when it comes to politics. In fact, he recently admitted that he ONCE considered writing an article in what the rest of us might call “layman’s terms.” Will: You would…

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CNN: Stormy Daniels Secures Release of 3 NoKo Hostages

hostages

THIS IS CNN – In the early morning hours, as President Trump welcomed home three American hostages who had been held captive in North Korea, CNN cut to the chase and presented the facts of their negotiated release as it exists in the CNN newsroom. “We’re pleased to report that it was in fact Stormy Daniels who – having flown to North Korea on a plane that crashed in the sea – escaped injury, soldiered on to Pyongyang, and secured the freedom of these three captive Americans. CNN will have…

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AZ Hoping McCain/Flake Senate Seats May Flip Red Next Election

ARIZONA – With Jeff Flake getting hit by the door on his way out, and John McCain battling declining health and a ‘Go to Hell, Voters!’ attitude, Arizonans are hopeful that in the near future the state’s two Senate seats may finally have a chance to flip red in coming elections. Both Flake (D-AZ) and Senator McCain (D-AZ) like to call themselves Republicans, while voting and acting like Democrats. John McCain is currently checking off his bitter bucket list, determined to piss off as many people as he can on…

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