CNN’s Acosta Nearly Kicks Out Own Reflection For Being Huge Douche

douche

WASHINGTON – CNN crybaby Jim Acosta is used to having people want to kick him out of places. In fact, just yesterday he had his White House press pass revoked and Secret Service denied him entrance to a briefing. Acosta had been a huge douchebag in an exchange with the president earlier in the day. Now, the problem is hitting the reporter close to home. “I was standing in my dressing room, preparing for an appearance on a late night TV show, and my reflection was being such a douche!…

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Alec Baldwin Arrested For Portraying Trump One Too Many Times

NEW YORK – Actor Alec Baldwin finally pushed his luck too far this week. He was busted by NYPD on Friday for impersonating President Trump one too many times. After beating the Trump-hating actor to a parking space, a man pointed out that Baldwin’s Trump impression had jumped the shark months ago. The actor reacted by angrily following, then punching, the stranger. The man is in stable condition after witnessing Baldwin’s performance up close and personal. Alec has been charged with attacking the nation’s intelligence with his impersonation of the…

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Planned Parenthood Seethes Over Trump Birthright EO Hurting Business

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NEW YORK – At Planned Parenthood (PP) headquarters, employees are furious over President Trump’s plans to affect their future business. Trump is considering ending the birthright citizenship provision of the 14th amendment in our Constitution. The move is an attempt to stop the practice of giving babies born to non-citizens (illegals) legal citizenship, even though their parents are not Americans. The amendment was written at the time to award citizenship to slaves. “Noooooo!!!!!!!” cried baby dismemberment expert, Bianca Lennox. “I’ve been aborting babies here for years. And killing babies of…

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Media Slam Trump Rhetoric For Causing Dodgers World Series Collapse

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LOS ANGELES – The Boston Red Sox are world champions again. They defeated the Los Angeles Dodgers 4 games to 1 to claim the title. Some say it was Boston’s pitching, timely hitting, or the Dodgers’ quiet bats that were to blame for LA’s loss. The media know better. They always do. President Trump rigged the series before it even started. “From being here in Dodger Stadium, I can tell you first hand, because I witnessed this myself, there were people openly rooting for the visiting team,” reported CNN’s Dana…

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MSNBC’s Velshi Tries To Flag Down A Few Viewers For Show

NEW YORK – MSNBC host Ali Velshi tried frantically this week to get the attention of anybody that might have any interest at all in a little show he does with co-host Stephanie Ruhle. Judging by the ratings, Velshi’s antics fell way short. Ali waved his arms wildly, inadvertently slapping Ruhle in the face several times, and waking her up from her on-air nap during the show. Ruhle opened her eyes slightly, but never lost her normal, resting bitch face expression. “I was just trying to get anyone who may…

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Midterms: Registered Democrats to Receive Torches, Pitchforks After Voting

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WASHINGTON – Forget those “I Voted” stickers that voters are usually offered after casting their ballot. They’re so 2016. This November, voting Democrats will each receive torches and pitchforks as they exit polling places. The Democratic National Committee announced Sunday that the giveaway will help Democrats be ready to join their local rage mob if midterm election results do not go their way. However, DNC chairman Tom Perez stressed that voters will have to provide their own fire starter and/or kerosene. “We can’t afford to supply everything,” Perez noted. “In…

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Willie Nelson Releases Song List For Beto O’Rourke Rally

willie

AUSTIN – Music legend Willie Nelson has never performed a free concert in support of a political candidate. Until now. He’s chosen to break his streak with a concert in support of socialist Texas senate candidate, Beto O’Rourke. O’Rourke will face Senator Ted Cruz in November’s midterm election. Nelson has performed at fundraisers for past political candidates like Wendy Davis and Dennis Kucinich, but this one will be free and open to the public. Willie will perform for all who come out to Lady Bird Lake and sit amongst the…

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Swamp Creatures Only Beyond Velvet Rope At McCain Memorial

WASHINGTON – Monitoring his guest list from the afterlife, Senator John McCain used bouncers and velvet rope professionals to make sure those who attended his memorial service were trusted, establishment types from the DC swamp. Specifically, McCain didn’t want Donald Trump to attend. Bouncers outside Washington National Cathedral screened attendees as they arrived, validating each person’s hatred for President Trump, before they were allowed entry to the service. Those who planned to give speeches trashing the current president on McCain’s behalf were seated in a special VIP section up front.…

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Stormy Daniels Vows to Dance Under Oath Before Congress

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WASHINGTON – America’s sweetheartwhore, Stormy Daniels, vowed this week to dance under oath in front of Congress, in the event that President Donald Trump is impeached. Daniels says she will “testify” in front of members of the governing body the only way she knows how. “I would be happy to use the language of the interpretative dance that some call ‘stripping’ to tell what I know about the president, if it comes to that,” Stormy said. Daniels’ former lawyer Michael Avenatti has offered to hold the pole during any performance…

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Omarosa Violated ‘Lowlife Statute’ With Secret WH Recordings

WASHINGTON – Disgruntled former White House aide Omarosa Manigault Newman is potentially facing legal jeopardy for violating the little-known ‘Lowlife Statute.’ She did so when she admitted in her new book that she secretly recorded Chief of Staff John Kelly in the White House Situation Room. The Lowlife Statute, an obscure law found under Chapter 4 – Backstabbing the President, Section 20MAGA20, subsection b(1) of the federal penal code, states that: “Anyone who is labeled a ‘Lowlife’ by the president, after said lowlife has been dismissed from their government position…

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