President Trump Embarks on Journey to Explore Aja

AIR FORCE ONE – As President Trump heads to the ‘ring of fire’ region of the world, he explained the reasons for his first official trip to the Far East. Trump has always had an affinity for Steely Dan’s Aja (pronounced Asia), and he really wants to delve deeper into the significance of the 1977 album. “I’ve always loved Aja. Heck of an album. Did you know the late great Phil Hartman designed the album cover?” the president asked. “I really love the fusion of jazz, pop and rock those…

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CNN Unveils New Slogan With “Fruits First” Ad

ATLANTA – Tired of being embarrassed by President Trump over their inability to report unbiased truth, CNN has decided to embarrass themselves. The network has released an ad campaign featuring what they feel pretty strongly is an apple, called “Fruits First.” The ad caught many in the media off guard, unsure why CNN is so adamant about fruit. The ad begins with the picture of an apple, with the words “This is an apple” under it. The ad goes on to insist the object pictured is not a banana –…

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Dem Rep Fredericka Wilson on Being a Jackass: “This Isn’t My First Rodeo”

FLORIDA – Urban cowgirl and democratic congresswoman Fredericka Wilson has stepped in it big time after politicizing President Trump’s private phone call to the wife of a fallen soldier. Wilson was verbally lassoed and hogtied today by White House Chief of Staff, General John Kelly. Fredericka let her hatred for President Trump that has poisoned her mind get the best of her. Now, she’s the biggest jackass in the country for the moment, and in a battle with Texas democrat Sheila Jackson-Lee for the right to someday succeed Maxine Waters…

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Maxine Waters Says ‘Impeach 45’ Chant Was Reference to Trump’s Jersey Number

WASHINGTON – Football and politics have become insanely intertwined recently. Between all the kneel downs, put downs, first downs and race clowns, America is getting confused about what the protests from NFL players are really all about. Leave it to congresswoman Maxine Waters to clarify things for us. Waters has become known for screeching the chant “Impeach 45! Impeach 45!” at all of her speeches, directed at President Trump. But Aunt Maxie, whose antenna doesn’t pick up very many channels, if you know what we mean, is usually off the…

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Cher Offers Home as Sanctuary, Tells DREAMERS “I Got You Babe”

MALIBU – Hollywood moonbat Cher is offering to open her home to “Dreamers” as a sanctuary to protect those children who arrived illegally in our country, and who have grown up in America, but remain illegal aliens. President Trump is hoping to discontinue Barack Obama’s unconstitutional DACA order, and that’s all Cher needed to hear to set her off. “That idiot in the White House wants to enforce immigration laws that are already on the books?!” a shell-shocked Cher shouted. “Over my dead, plastic body!!! He can go to hell. I’ll…

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Alt-Left Media: “Why Didn’t Trump Provide Live Hurricane Coverage Himself?”

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NEW YORK – Members of the alt-left media are disgusted that President Trump didn’t volunteer to provide live coverage to the public as Hurricane Harvey made landfall Friday night. They said they would only be happy had the president put his own life in danger at the worst of the storm. As high winds and flooding rains slammed the Texas coast, CNN’s Don Lemon told viewers, “If the president really cared for Texans, he would have put himself in harm’s way to give them the most accurate reports of deteriorating…

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Democrats Say Senator Wanting Trump Assassination ‘Mis-typed’

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MISSOURI – State Senator Maria Chappelle-Nadal is in deep doo-doo. The angry, black politician posted a status on her personal Facebook account this week, saying, “I hope Trump is assassinated!” It’s a bad move for a left or right-wing nutjob, but even worse coming from a politician who should know better. State and national democrats are now in full damage control, caught between defending their senator and taking action to have her removed from office. Nadal’s official excuse is “Out of anger and frustration, I said something that could have been…

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Bashing Trump, Democrat Ana Navarro Uses N-Word on CNN

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ATLANTA – CNN contributor Ana Navarro, a Democrat who calls herself a Republican, let her Trump rage get the best of her today when she used the “N-word” on air during a segment on the recent Charlottesville racial violence. It’s unclear at this time whether CNN will discipline Navarro for the incident. While criticizing President Trump’s public statements about the weekend violence between white supremacists and liberal supremacists, she called the president a “Nincompoop,” a clear microaggression designed to make Trump seem “less than human.” For host John Berman and…

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AG Sessions Unveils “Snitches Get Stitches” Policy To Stop Leaks

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WASHINGTON – Persistent leaks within the Trump administration continue to be a thorn in the side of the president’s agenda getting implemented. So today, Attorney General Jeff Sessions held a press conference to warn would-be leakers that his team is now bringing down the hammer on such activities. “We’re here today to announce our ‘Snitches Get Stitches’ policy toward those who would attempt to leak sensitive information to the press, in hopes of damaging the president, his administration, or his agenda. In short, I’ll now cut a bitch if I…

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Chief of Staff Gen Kelly’s First Words to Trump: ‘Drop and Give Me 50’

WASHINGTON – On the first day at his new job, incoming White House Chief of Staff General John Kelly greeted President Trump in the Oval Office with a handshake. Then he ordered the president to drop and give him 50 push-ups. “Count ’em out, soldier!” Kelly ordered. “Your mama ain’t here anymore. I’m going to whip this White House staff into a lean, mean political machine – or die tryin’.” The president was caught off guard but managed to grind out 12 push-ups before falling to the floor to catch…

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