Cher Offers Home as Sanctuary, Tells DREAMERS “I Got You Babe”

MALIBU – Hollywood moonbat Cher is offering to open her home to “Dreamers” as a sanctuary to protect those children who arrived illegally in our country, and who have grown up in America, but remain illegal aliens. President Trump is hoping to discontinue Barack Obama’s unconstitutional DACA order, and that’s all Cher needed to hear to set her off. “That idiot in the White House wants to enforce immigration laws that are already on the books?!” a shell-shocked Cher shouted. “Over my dead, plastic body!!! He can go to hell. I’ll…

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Alt-Left Media: “Why Didn’t Trump Provide Live Hurricane Coverage Himself?”

hurricane

NEW YORK – Members of the alt-left media are disgusted that President Trump didn’t volunteer to provide live coverage to the public as Hurricane Harvey made landfall Friday night. They said they would only be happy had the president put his own life in danger at the worst of the storm. As high winds and flooding rains slammed the Texas coast, CNN’s Don Lemon told viewers, “If the president really cared for Texans, he would have put himself in harm’s way to give them the most accurate reports of deteriorating…

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Democrats Say Senator Wanting Trump Assassination ‘Mis-typed’

assassination

MISSOURI – State Senator Maria Chappelle-Nadal is in deep doo-doo. The angry, black politician posted a status on her personal Facebook account this week, saying, “I hope Trump is assassinated!” It’s a bad move for a left or right-wing nutjob, but even worse coming from a politician who should know better. State and national democrats are now in full damage control, caught between defending their senator and taking action to have her removed from office. Nadal’s official excuse is “Out of anger and frustration, I said something that could have been…

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Bashing Trump, Democrat Ana Navarro Uses N-Word on CNN

navarro

ATLANTA – CNN contributor Ana Navarro, a Democrat who calls herself a Republican, let her Trump rage get the best of her today when she used the “N-word” on air during a segment on the recent Charlottesville racial violence. It’s unclear at this time whether CNN will discipline Navarro for the incident. While criticizing President Trump’s public statements about the weekend violence between white supremacists and liberal supremacists, she called the president a “Nincompoop,” a clear microaggression designed to make Trump seem “less than human.” For host John Berman and…

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AG Sessions Unveils “Snitches Get Stitches” Policy To Stop Leaks

snitches

WASHINGTON – Persistent leaks within the Trump administration continue to be a thorn in the side of the president’s agenda getting implemented. So today, Attorney General Jeff Sessions held a press conference to warn would-be leakers that his team is now bringing down the hammer on such activities. “We’re here today to announce our ‘Snitches Get Stitches’ policy toward those who would attempt to leak sensitive information to the press, in hopes of damaging the president, his administration, or his agenda. In short, I’ll now cut a bitch if I…

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Chief of Staff Gen Kelly’s First Words to Trump: ‘Drop and Give Me 50’

WASHINGTON – On the first day at his new job, incoming White House Chief of Staff General John Kelly greeted President Trump in the Oval Office with a handshake. Then he ordered the president to drop and give him 50 push-ups. “Count ’em out, soldier!” Kelly ordered. “Your mama ain’t here anymore. I’m going to whip this White House staff into a lean, mean political machine – or die tryin’.” The president was caught off guard but managed to grind out 12 push-ups before falling to the floor to catch…

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CNN Anchors Admit They Just Like Saying Words “Collusion,” “Dossier”

dossier

ATLANTA – Numerous CNN personalities have admitted off-camera that they understand there is really no evidence of cooperation between Russia and the Trump campaign during the 2016 election cycle. They just really like saying the words “collusion” and “dossier” (doss-i-eh). Alisyn Camerota explained, “I especially like the word ‘dossier.’ It makes me feel European and sophisticated. I even feel like I should be sticking my pinky finger out when I pronounce it! To be honest, I don’t even know what it means, but I read what they put on the…

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MSNBC’s Chris Matthews Appalled by Trump/Putin Manspreading Display

manspreading

NEW YORK – Everyone is in agreement that “manspreading” is the biggest challenge facing mankind, probably since the centuries-old problem of not being able to find men’s dress shirts that look good untucked. Thank God, the owner of UNTUCKit has alleviated the latter. So it was no surprise that MSNBC host Chris Matthews couldn’t get past what he saw during this week’s G20 summit meeting between President Trump and Russia’s President Putin. Matthews felt the need to “mansplain” the incident: “See how both men are spreading their legs open, as…

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Trump, Putin Engage in Feats of Strength at G20 Summit Meeting

HAMBURG – In the much-anticipated meeting between President Trump and Russian President Putin at the G20 summit held this week, no one was sure whether the two would bond or not. However, it appears that Putin has much more respect for Trump than he did for former girly-man President Obama. Trump and Putin engaged in a “feats of strength” contest after a cordial meeting for the cameras. The two then met for over two hours, as the men tried to impress the other. First up was arm wrestling. Trump took…

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