White House Shuts Down ‘Giant Amnesty’ Plan: No Giants Allowed

WASHINGTON – Saying America has enough problems already, White House spokesperson Sarah Sanders said today that having giants roaming the country is something the Trump administration will not stand for at this time. “President Trump is adamant that he will not sign any immigration bill that contains a ‘giant amnesty’ plan,” Sanders told reporters. “The president has 99 problems, but allowing giants into our country is not going to be one of them.” CNN’s Jim Acosta immediately asked if this decision made the president a “heightist,” and Sanders quickly made…

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Trump Blocks Democrats Memo Rebuttal Because It Sucks

memo

WASHINGTON – Saying it lacked a sense of imagination and read like it was written by a third grader, President Trump blocked the release of the Democratic rebuttal to the Republican memo on controversial FISA documents “because it sucks.” The announcement is the equivalent of being given your college research paper back from your professor and being told, “If you turn in trash like this again, I’ll have you dropped from this class.” The author of the memo, self-proclaimed ladies man Adam Schiff, was given a grade of D, with…

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Groundhog Sees Democrat, Predicts 7 More Years of Trump

groundhog

PUNXSUTAWNEY – Famous groundhog Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his burrow this morning, saw several Democrats, and predicted seven more years of president Trump. The groundhog said he was appalled by what he saw. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more bitter, hateful, and miserable group of people,” Phil said. “Normally, there’s some kind of reaction when I pop out each year to make my annual predictions. This time, I come out of my warm, cozy burrow, freezing my ass off I might add, and these people are sitting on…

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Trump Plans to Live-Tweet During His SOTU Speech

tweet

WASHINGTON – Following the reading of parts of Fire and Fury by Hillary Clinton at the Grammy’s this weekend, President Trump says he will live-tweet during his State of the Union speech Tuesday night. He said he plans to read excerpts from Hillary’s What Happened excuse book as well. When he’s not gesturing with his hands during his speech, he’ll be feverishly working his thumbs behind the podium to tweet about Jay-Z, Eminem, Joy Behar, Anna Navarro and many others. “I can maintain focus on letting the country know how…

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President Trump to Give State of The Onion Speech Tuesday

WASHINGTON – Next Tuesday, President Trump will give the American people an update on the state of the satirical website The Onion. The annual State of The Onion address will give the president an opportunity to explain the differences between satire and fake news. A number of Democrats in Congress have already announced their plans to boycott the president’s speech, citing their lack of a sense of humor as the main reason. Some media members, including Joe Scarborough and Mika, Joy Reid, Chris Matthews and the entire CNN lineup, will…

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Tricky Dicky Durbin Warns of Possible Government S***down

Durbin

WASHINGTON – Admitting he doesn’t like using the 4-letter word “sh*t,” Senator Tricky Dicky Durbin said today that he thinks the country is headed for a government s***down this weekend. Durbin is the senator who famously unleashed a s***storm of controversy over supposed s***hole comments made by President Trump in a meeting last week. “With all the s*** going on at the moment – this DACA s***, amnesty, that s*** about a wall, chain migration – I just don’t see how both sides are going to come together in agreement…

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After Physical, Media Crushed That Trump Not On Deathbed

media

WASHINGTON – A dispirited media had to agonize through a nearly one-hour press conference by President Trump’s doctor, in which he informed them the president is in excellent health. Mr. Trump endured a full physical, lab work, and a mental competency test last Friday. After hearing the terrible news (to them) that Trump is not on his deathbed, members of the media relentlessly peppered the doctor with questions they hoped would provoke some tidbit of information they could twist to use against President Trump. Some of the questions shouted by…

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Trump Explains Shithole Comment to Shithead Media

DC – Members of the fake news media are running around with their heads on fire tonight after what they perceive to be a racist comment by President Trump. During a meeting with lawmakers on immigration today, Trump asked aloud why America is accepting so many people from “shithole countries” like Haiti and places in Africa. He then said he would rather have people coming from Norway instead. Norway’s population is mostly white. Haiti and Africa consist of mainly black people. That’s all the media needed to hear. They’re now…

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CNN Poll: Oprah 60% Jesus 28% Trump 12% for 2020

ATLANTA – CNN sees 2020 as the second coming of Oprah for president. Even Jesus couldn’t beat her. And Trump might as well quit now. That’s the result of the network’s latest poll on possible presidential candidates for the next election cycle. Anchor Jake Tapper said CNN polled 896 random viewers of their network. The margin of error for the poll was +/- 25%. Digging through the data, some insights among those polled were discovered: Breakdown by political affiliation of those polled – 55% Democrat, 35% Independent, 10% Republican. This…

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Michael Wolff’s New Book Fire and Fury: My Battle Passing a Kidney Stone

fury

NEW YORK – Author Michael Wolff, the hit-piece writer who Sloppy Steve Bannon allowed access to the White House during President Trump’s first term, has released his much talked about book,¬†Fire and Fury: My Battle Passing a Kidney Stone. The book contains a few political punches because the episode occurred while Wolff was at the White House. “I’ve never felt that kind of pain,” Wolff wrote. “I was taping a conversation I was having with Ivanka, and thinking about how I was going to twist her words to make her…

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