MSNBC’s Velshi Tries To Flag Down A Few Viewers For Show

NEW YORK – MSNBC host Ali Velshi tried frantically this week to get the attention of anybody that might have any interest at all in a little show he does with co-host Stephanie Ruhle. Judging by the ratings, Velshi’s antics fell way short. Ali waved his arms wildly, inadvertently slapping Ruhle in the face several times, and waking her up from her on-air nap during the show. Ruhle opened her eyes slightly, but never lost her normal, resting bitch face expression. “I was just trying to get anyone who may…

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Midterms: Registered Democrats to Receive Torches, Pitchforks After Voting

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WASHINGTON – Forget those “I Voted” stickers that voters are usually offered after casting their ballot. They’re so 2016. This November, voting Democrats will each receive torches and pitchforks as they exit polling places. The Democratic National Committee announced Sunday that the giveaway will help Democrats be ready to join their local rage mob if midterm election results do not go their way. However, DNC chairman Tom Perez stressed that voters will have to provide their own fire starter and/or kerosene. “We can’t afford to supply everything,” Perez noted. “In…

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Willie Nelson Releases Song List For Beto O’Rourke Rally

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AUSTIN – Music legend Willie Nelson has never performed a free concert in support of a political candidate. Until now. He’s chosen to break his streak with a concert in support of socialist Texas senate candidate, Beto O’Rourke. O’Rourke will face Senator Ted Cruz in November’s midterm election. Nelson has performed at fundraisers for past political candidates like Wendy Davis and Dennis Kucinich, but this one will be free and open to the public. Willie will perform for all who come out to Lady Bird Lake and sit amongst the…

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Swamp Creatures Only Beyond Velvet Rope At McCain Memorial

WASHINGTON – Monitoring his guest list from the afterlife, Senator John McCain used bouncers and velvet rope professionals to make sure those who attended his memorial service were trusted, establishment types from the DC swamp. Specifically, McCain didn’t want Donald Trump to attend. Bouncers outside Washington National Cathedral screened attendees as they arrived, validating each person’s hatred for President Trump, before they were allowed entry to the service. Those who planned to give speeches trashing the current president on McCain’s behalf were seated in a special VIP section up front.…

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Stormy Daniels Vows to Dance Under Oath Before Congress

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WASHINGTON – America’s sweetheartwhore, Stormy Daniels, vowed this week to dance under oath in front of Congress, in the event that President Donald Trump is impeached. Daniels says she will “testify” in front of members of the governing body the only way she knows how. “I would be happy to use the language of the interpretative dance that some call ‘stripping’ to tell what I know about the president, if it comes to that,” Stormy said. Daniels’ former lawyer Michael Avenatti has offered to hold the pole during any performance…

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Omarosa Violated ‘Lowlife Statute’ With Secret WH Recordings

WASHINGTON – Disgruntled former White House aide Omarosa Manigault Newman is potentially facing legal jeopardy for violating the little-known ‘Lowlife Statute.’ She did so when she admitted in her new book that she secretly recorded Chief of Staff John Kelly in the White House Situation Room. The Lowlife Statute, an obscure law found under Chapter 4 – Backstabbing the President, Section 20MAGA20, subsection b(1) of the federal penal code, states that: “Anyone who is labeled a ‘Lowlife’ by the president, after said lowlife has been dismissed from their government position…

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CNN Furious After Trump Calls MSNBC Bottom of Fake News Barrel

ATLANTA – CNN personalities are furious after President Trump called MSNBC “the worst of all” when it comes to fake news outlets. His comments took place at a rally this weekend. It was bad enough for the network when Trump supporters made CNN reporter Jim Acosta cry at the event. Now this. Their bad weekend got worse when the president gave the worst news outlet title to MSNBC instead. CNN has long prided itself on being the leader in fake news, and their ratings bear out that fact. But the…

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Lawyer Michael Cohen Achieves Dream Of Becoming Recording Artist, DJ

WASHINGTON – Working under the name “DJ Droopy,” former Trump attorney Michael Cohen has revealed that he always hoped to become a professional disc jockey or recording artist. His dreams are now coming true. Cohen has recorded 183 sessions between himself and various clients (including a few with President Trump) and word is that he’s putting together a mix-tape of some of the tracks to present to Robert Mueller. Though almost through with the editing process, a release date for the new material has not yet been announced. Cohen, who…

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Supreme Court Retirement Sends Shingles Up Chris Matthews’ Leg

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MSNBC – As news of Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy’s retirement came across the MSNBC fake news desk – along with the realization that President Trump will get to pick his replacement – host Chris Matthews said he felt shingles running up his leg. “As the reality of this moment in our nation’s history sunk in,” Matthews stated, “I felt this intense, itching rash running up my leg. It was completely different from the tingle Obama gave me. This time, there were fluid-filled blisters involved. It was disgusting. “And the…

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Maxine Waters Wants Separate Restrooms, Drinking Fountains For Conservatives

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LOS ANGELES – Insane congresswoman Maxine Waters (D-Dumbass) today called for conservatives and Republicans to be treated like second-class citizens. She told supporters to harass Trump supporters in restaurants, department stores and gas stations, and everywhere else they can. “These people (Trump supporters) don’t deserve to be treated like the rest of us!” she shouted to a crowd of social justice warriors. “In fact, they need to be forced to use separate restrooms and drinking fountains, in my opinion. Personally, I can’t stand to be anywhere near them.” Maxine has…

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