Democrats Enter Insanity Plea in Lawsuit Against Trump, Russia, Wikileaks

WASHINGTON – In a political head-scratcher this week, the Democratic Party filed a lawsuit against President Trump’s 2016 campaign, the country of Russia, and Wikileaks. The suit accuses the three entities of colluding to make Hillary Clinton suck so bad that she lost the election. Shortly after filing the lawsuit, spearheaded by DNC chair Tom Perez, the party entered a plea of insanity for itself. Typically, a defendant would be the one entering an insanity plea in a case, but this is the Democratic Party of 2018. Perez said in…

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The James Comey Memos Translated

memos

WASHINGTON – Disgraced former FBI director James Comey’s memos, regarding his interactions with President Trump, were released to Congress today, and were soon after released to the media. The following is an un-redacted translation of one of those memos: Dear Diary, I wanted to put my thoughts from my dinner with the president tonight down on paper because I want to document the drama I created – and am now caught up in – like the emotional teenage girl that I am.  I sure hope these writings don’t come back…

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Trump Pardons Scooter Libby, Anyone Else Named Scooter

WASHINGTON – President Trump signed an open-ended pardon this week for former assistant to then Vice-President Dick Cheney, Lewis “Scooter” Libby, and anyone else who happens to be named Scooter. Libby allegedly blew the cover of some chick who worked for the CIA. The president said no one should have to go through life with the name Scooter. “I know it’s not his legal first name,” Trump said, “but that’s how everybody knows him. It would be one thing if you had a friend when you were five-years-old who everybody…

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Mueller Probing Stormy Daniels, Russian Collusion Link

Robert Mueller has uncovered evidence that porn star Stormy Daniels had sexual collusion with five Russian men in a Moscow gangbang back in 2003. The rogue special council thinks some of this collusion may have rubbed off on Donald Trump during his sexual encounter with Daniels several years later. Mueller, and numerous attorneys on his investigative team, have repeatedly pumped Stormy for information on the possible link between she, Trump and Russian collusion. They say she’s been very open every time they’ve pressed her hard. An FBI forensics expert told…

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Immigration: Trump Ends Catch & Release, Enacts Tag ‘Em & Bag ‘Em Rule

WASHINGTON – President Trump signed an order this week that changes the way illegal aliens are treated if they’re caught trying to cross our southern border from Mexico. The president’s new ‘Tag ‘Em & Bag ‘Em’ program replaces immediately the ‘Catch & Release’ policy used by past administrations. Previously, Border Patrol agents were forced to release illegals they caught crossing the border, unless certain height and weight requirements of the detained were met. If the requirements were not met, or were exceeded for that day, Border Patrol personnel were forced…

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Fired FBI’s Andrew McCabe Begs Deep State Gods For Help

WASHINGTON – On Sunday, just two days after being fired from his post as Deputy Cover-Up Chief for the FBI, Andrew McCabe was seen leaving the Church of the Deep State, with his wife at his side, and hurrying into an awaiting vehicle. McCabe had been praying to the Deep State Gods of DC in hopes that they could save his career and his pension. Arizona senator Jeff Flake was in the congregation and overheard some of McCabe’s prayers. “It was hard to hear everything over James Comey’s constant sobbing,…

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Trump Plans to Conquer Kim With Hooters, Zingers at Nuke Summit

Zingers

WASHINGTON – President Trump has a reputation for being 5 moves ahead of his critics – and it’s a well-deserved reputation. The upcoming nuke summit with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un will be his next work of art. “We’ve sent the North Koreans a proposal to hold our joint meeting on nuclear talks at the Hooters restaurant in Hawaii, the Aloha Tower Marketplace location,” Trump spokeswoman Sarah Sanders told reporters on Friday. “In addition, the president will introduce the North Korean leader to the delicious, sugary snack cakes called Zingers.…

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White House Shuts Down ‘Giant Amnesty’ Plan: No Giants Allowed

WASHINGTON – Saying America has enough problems already, White House spokesperson Sarah Sanders said today that having giants roaming the country is something the Trump administration will not stand for at this time. “President Trump is adamant that he will not sign any immigration bill that contains a ‘giant amnesty’ plan,” Sanders told reporters. “The president has 99 problems, but allowing giants into our country is not going to be one of them.” CNN’s Jim Acosta immediately asked if this decision made the president a “heightist,” and Sanders quickly made…

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Trump Blocks Democrats Memo Rebuttal Because It Sucks

memo

WASHINGTON – Saying it lacked a sense of imagination and read like it was written by a third grader, President Trump blocked the release of the Democratic rebuttal to the Republican memo on controversial FISA documents “because it sucks.” The announcement is the equivalent of being given your college research paper back from your professor and being told, “If you turn in trash like this again, I’ll have you dropped from this class.” The author of the memo, self-proclaimed ladies man Adam Schiff, was given a grade of D, with…

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Groundhog Sees Democrat, Predicts 7 More Years of Trump

groundhog

PUNXSUTAWNEY – Famous groundhog Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his burrow this morning, saw several Democrats, and predicted seven more years of president Trump. The groundhog said he was appalled by what he saw. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more bitter, hateful, and miserable group of people,” Phil said. “Normally, there’s some kind of reaction when I pop out each year to make my annual predictions. This time, I come out of my warm, cozy burrow, freezing my ass off I might add, and these people are sitting on…

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