Immigrant Child Cries Because Trump Can’t Make Her Country Great Again Too

US SOUTHERN BORDER – Time magazine has immortalized the image of a young immigrant child as she first learns that Donald Trump cannot be president in her home country – and can’t make her country great again too. The picture, showing the American president engaged in a conversation with a Central American toddler, captures the moment the realization hits the youngster that Trump cannot be in charge of her country as well. “I’m sorry, sweetie, but if the terrible leaders in your country would just follow my example, they could…

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Imprint Left After Trump Defeats France’s Macron in Thumb Wrestling

imprint

CANADA – At this week’s G7 summit in Quebec, French President Emmanuel Macron tried to assert his dominance over President Trump by engaging in a surprise thumb wrestling contest. The dual lasted less than 7 seconds and left an imprint of Macron’s digit on Trump’s hand. According to White House spokesperson Sarah Sanders: “The president did not appreciate President Macron’s sad attempt at trying to out-alpha him. When Mr. Macron launched his unprovoked thumb wrestling attack, President Trump used several rope-a-dope thumb maneuvers to quickly subdue Macron and end the…

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TBS’s Samantha Cee-Word Learns a New Big Word

Samantha

NEW YORK CITY – Unfunny Full Frontal show host Samantha Bee/Cee (depending on whether she’s being a Bee-otch or a C–t that day) learned a new, big word yesterday. She immediately used her TBS show to workshop the latest addition to her limited vocabulary. She used the term “feckless c–t” to describe Ivanka Trump during an immigration rant. “I had never heard the word ‘feckless’ until it showed up on my cue cards,” Samantha admitted today. “We have some really smart writers on our show. It’s a perfect word to…

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CNN: Stormy Daniels Secures Release of 3 NoKo Hostages

hostages

THIS IS CNN – In the early morning hours, as President Trump welcomed home three American hostages who had been held captive in North Korea, CNN cut to the chase and presented the facts of their negotiated release as it exists in the CNN newsroom. “We’re pleased to report that it was in fact Stormy Daniels who – having flown to North Korea on a plane that crashed in the sea – escaped injury, soldiered on to Pyongyang, and secured the freedom of these three captive Americans. CNN will have…

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Republicans Complete Trade With Progressives, Kanye for Joe Scarborough, Others

LOS ANGELES – On the eve of the 2018 NFL Draft, the nation’s Republican base has inked a deal with progressives that has rapper Kanye West going to the Right. In the trade, the Left acquires MSNBC Beavis-look-a-like Joe Scarborough, CNN’s Anna Navarro, and three Never-Trumpers to be named later. Kanye filed for free (thinking) agency earlier this week when he tweeted comments supporting President Donald Trump. The rapper even posted pics of his autographed, red MAGA hat – an object whose sight affects those on the Left the same…

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Democrats Enter Insanity Plea in Lawsuit Against Trump, Russia, Wikileaks

WASHINGTON – In a political head-scratcher this week, the Democratic Party filed a lawsuit against President Trump’s 2016 campaign, the country of Russia, and Wikileaks. The suit accuses the three entities of colluding to make Hillary Clinton suck so bad that she lost the election. Shortly after filing the lawsuit, spearheaded by DNC chair Tom Perez, the party entered a plea of insanity for itself. Typically, a defendant would be the one entering an insanity plea in a case, but this is the Democratic Party of 2018. Perez said in…

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The James Comey Memos Translated

memos

WASHINGTON – Disgraced former FBI director James Comey’s memos, regarding his interactions with President Trump, were released to Congress today, and were soon after released to the media. The following is an un-redacted translation of one of those memos: Dear Diary, I wanted to put my thoughts from my dinner with the president tonight down on paper because I want to document the drama I created – and am now caught up in – like the emotional teenage girl that I am.  I sure hope these writings don’t come back…

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Trump Pardons Scooter Libby, Anyone Else Named Scooter

WASHINGTON – President Trump signed an open-ended pardon this week for former assistant to then Vice-President Dick Cheney, Lewis “Scooter” Libby, and anyone else who happens to be named Scooter. Libby allegedly blew the cover of some chick who worked for the CIA. The president said no one should have to go through life with the name Scooter. “I know it’s not his legal first name,” Trump said, “but that’s how everybody knows him. It would be one thing if you had a friend when you were five-years-old who everybody…

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Mueller Probing Stormy Daniels, Russian Collusion Link

Robert Mueller has uncovered evidence that porn star Stormy Daniels had sexual collusion with five Russian men in a Moscow gangbang back in 2003. The rogue special council thinks some of this collusion may have rubbed off on Donald Trump during his sexual encounter with Daniels several years later. Mueller, and numerous attorneys on his investigative team, have repeatedly pumped Stormy for information on the possible link between she, Trump and Russian collusion. They say she’s been very open every time they’ve pressed her hard. An FBI forensics expert told…

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Immigration: Trump Ends Catch & Release, Enacts Tag ‘Em & Bag ‘Em Rule

WASHINGTON – President Trump signed an order this week that changes the way illegal aliens are treated if they’re caught trying to cross our southern border from Mexico. The president’s new ‘Tag ‘Em & Bag ‘Em’ program replaces immediately the ‘Catch & Release’ policy used by past administrations. Previously, Border Patrol agents were forced to release illegals they caught crossing the border, unless certain height and weight requirements of the detained were met. If the requirements were not met, or were exceeded for that day, Border Patrol personnel were forced…

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