Hillary Appoints Self “President of the United Woods of Chappaqua”

NEW YORK – Trying to hang on to some shred of relevancy, failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has finally triumphed in her bid to be president of something. She announced today that she is now the “President of the United Woods of Chappaqua.” Hillary out-campaigned a beaver, a gray fox, and a young, upstart muskrat to win the title. She will now serve as the supreme ruler over all wildlife in the forests around the hamlet of Chappaqua. Mrs. Clinton took nothing for granted this time around, and is taking…

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Hillary Ready to Come Out of the Woods, End Hibernation

SCRANTON – Hillary Clinton, appearing disheveled and smelly, told a St. Patrick’s Day audience that she was ending her winter hibernation and was “ready to come out of the woods.” Mrs. Clinton has been sleeping in a cave for most of the winter, living off of stored body fat, and scavenging for food since shortly after her defeat to Donald Trump last fall. “I have a hard time watching the news, I’ll confess,” she said. “And by that, I mean I never could figure out how to get TV in…

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