Twitter to Ban All Conservatives in Crackdown on Bullying

THE TWITTERSPHERE (The Barbed Wire) – Twitter has announced plans to crack down on bullying on the social media platform. The company has been in free fall recently, from falling stock prices to unhappy users following changes to the Twitter format.

A new conglomerate of mostly liberal groups will comprise the new Twitter Trust & Safety Council, which will serve as the new word police. They claim to be trying to maintain open dialogue on the site while preventing bullying and abuse.

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Cheryl Norton, a member of GLAAD, a LGBT activist group that is part of the new word police force, said, “The complex algorithms Twitter uses tells us that all bullying on the site originates from conservative users. The results have yet to identify a single progressive tweeter who has ever bullied another user.”

Norton, who has the IQ of a Twinkie, said the site will start closing accounts of any users who mention the trigger words “Milo,” “Rush,” Fox News,” “Breitbart,” “Trump,” “pro-life,” “small government,” or “gun.”

Twitter executives admit that all liberal/progressive users are angels, and most don’t even know what the word ‘bullying’ means. They shudder at the thought of a progressive user ever resorting to name-calling, regardless of how heated an exchange with other users might be.

The company says those users who have the words “conservative” or “Republican” in their Twitter bio will have their accounts terminated with extreme prejudice. Cheryl said, “I can’t imagine someone with those words in their bio would ever have anything worthwhile to say anyway.”

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Twitter hopes to have all right-wing users banned by the end of this year, thus creating an online safe space for progressives. The company says there is no room on the internet for people who criticize President Obama or object to Hillary Clinton’s upcoming coronation.

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  1. Jill Carley February 10, 2016 at 8:00 AM -

    don’t forget the words ” work , white, and man” those are all highly offensive and considered bullying to liberals

    • E. Williams February 10, 2016 at 8:22 AM

      True, it needs to be a much longer list.

  2. desertradio February 10, 2016 at 6:36 AM -

    I thought there already was a “safe” place for liberals and progressives. It’s called television.

  3. Joe Armideo February 10, 2016 at 4:49 AM -

    LMMFAO! Zuckerberg has been secretly hired as a consultant on ways to skirt the 1st amendment and get away with it! HAHAHAHAHA!

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