United Airlines Introduces New “Maybe Seats” On All Flights

CHICAGO – On Sunday, United Airlines introduced their new “maybe seats” program. When customers book these random seats on a flight, they may be able to keep their seat – or maybe not. Due to frequent overbooking, the airline says this will make it easier to kick paying passengers off any flight to make room for United employees that need to get somewhere.

After a doctor was forcibly removed from a plane this week for refusing to give up his seat after being asked, a spokeswoman for United explained the incident. “The passenger didn’t realize they had purchased a maybe seat and, when he didn’t give it up right away, we had no choice but to rough him up and make a big scene out of it.

“If passengers will read the fine print on the reservation forms, they would notice that booking a maybe seat can result in a bloody lip, black eyes, extensive bruising, extreme stress, embarrassment in front of others, and video of the incident going viral on the internet.

“Ideally, only young, strong, fit passengers should ever book maybe seats on our flights. At least then they have a chance against our security personnel. You really need to be ready for fight club on our planes when you book one of those seats.”

Maybe seats are part of United’s new “re-accommodation program,” in which your safety, comfort, and traveling itinerary are the least of the airline’s worries. If they want you off their planes, they’ll find a way to get you off. “United Airlines – Fly the Friendly Skies. Maybe.”

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