Bernie Sanders Launches Bid To Not Be President In 2020

VERMONT – Senator Bernie Sanders announced today that he will indeed seek to not be the president in 2020. He enters a crowded field of progressives seeking the Democratic nomination in 2020, but he has more experience losing than the others. “I know I won’t win,” Sanders gruffly admitted, “But I love the attention. I want to allow all the college students to ‘Feel The Bern’ one more time and enjoy the ride. My plan has always been to announce my bid, go through the process, spend millions in other…

Read More

Trump Declares National Emergency To Deal With Ocasio-Cortez

ROSE GARDEN – President Trump today announced he is declaring a national emergency to deal with the arrogance and stupidity of new congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC). Because Congress has refused to deal with the annoying, know-it-all bartender, the president has been forced to act on his own. “Even though congressional Democrats refuse to accept the dire situation that AOC’s weak intellect poses to our country, to protect the interests of sane Americans, and to preserve the safety and well-being of our nation’s gassy cows, I am declaring that her warped…

Read More

AOC Wants Planes, Trains and Automobiles Outlawed Within 10 Years

planes

BRONX – It’s the Green New Deal. It’s designed to save the planet. It’s the brainchild of a deranged lunatic. And it involves banning all copies of the 1987 movie Planes, Trains and Automobiles for some reason. The lunatic behind the plan? The one and only Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC), the newly-elected socialist who should be in an insane asylum rather than in Congress. Her Green New Deal has the abolition of anything that runs on an engine as its main goal. “This movie is a negative influence in our culture…

Read More

Trump Proposes Literally Building Wall Over Pelosi’s Dead Body

WASHINGTON – Hoping to avoid another shutdown, President Trump today proposed literally building his border wall or barrier directly over Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s dead body. According to his plans, her body would become the cornerstone in any future border structure. “You can tell by looking at her that she probably doesn’t have a lot of time left anyway,” a White House aide admitted. “She’s always threatening the president, saying, ‘You’ll get your border wall over my dead body!’ We’re just offering to take her up on that offer.” The president…

Read More

General Assembly Adopts ‘Virginia Is For Shoe Polish Lovers’ Slogan

virginia

RICHMOND – In the wake of an ongoing blackface controversy involving its state leaders, Virginia’s General Assembly updated the state’s slogan today. “Virginia Is For Lovers,” the state’s well known tagline, has been updated to “Virginia Is For Shoe Polish Lovers.” With news coming out that Governor Ralph Northam and Attorney General Mark Herring both sported blackface in their college days, the governing body felt the update was justified. The news explains why Virginia has lead the country in shoe polish sales for decades. Minority leader Eileen Filler-Corn stated, “Hey,…

Read More

Yearbook: Ralph Northam Voted Most Likely To Resign In Disgrace

VIRGINIA – Although he’s denying it at the moment, the clock is ticking down to when the state’s governor will have to resign. Ralph Northam (Dem/Socialist – VA), is embroiled in a race/abortion controversy, going back to his med-school days in 1984. The governor first made headlines for saying babies could be aborted after birth. If they aren’t allowed to abort them, Ralph says they should at least be able to paint the newborns’ faces with blackface, then shove the babies back into the mother. You know, out of sight…

Read More

Good Times: Stacey Abrams To Give State Of Union Rebuttal

Abrams

GEORGIA – Former Good Times actress Stacey Abrams has been tagged to deliver the Democrat Party’s rebuttal to President Trump’s state of the union speech on Tuesday. Abrams, who has been acting since the 1970’s, most recently lost her bid to become the governor of Georgia. Stacey acted under the stage name Esther Rolle on the hit sitcom, is best known these days for her stance that illegal aliens should be allowed to vote in US elections. She cray-cray. She’ll no doubt accuse the president of being a heartless, evil,…

Read More

Nation Mourns Jeff Flake’s ‘No To 2020 Prez Run’ Decision

flake

ARIZONA – An already divided country is reeling after former senator Jeff Flake officially announced today that he will not be running for president in 2020. Flake announced his decision as it was revealed he has taken a job with CBS News. The new position will mean Jeff will add nothing of value to the network’s offerings, which will be a continuation of his career in Congress. But how does the country move forward after such a shocking development? Millions of Americans live by the creed of WWJD (What would…

Read More

Medical Assn Approves AOC Diagnosis As ‘Diarrhea Of The Mouth’

CHICAGO – Diarrhea of the mouth is kind of a long diagnosis, but so is Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s name. So long and annoying that many have started referring to her as simply “AOC.” Now, the Board of Trustees at the American Medical Association have honored the freshman socialist politician with her own affliction. In a vote of 15-6, the board approved adding the diagnosis of AOC in medical textbooks and journals to apply to any patient exhibiting symptoms of “diarrhea of the mouth.” This is an irritating condition, and one in…

Read More

Mackenzie Bezos on Megyn Kelly’s $69 Million Score: That’s Cute

AMAZONIA – When news hit this week that NBC had settled with Megyn Kelly, and agreed to pay her $69 million to be rid of her, the dollar amount was staggering. However, not everybody was impressed. Mackenzie Bezos, the soon-to-be-ex-wife of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, found the news amusing. “$69 million? With an M?” Bezos asked. “That’s cute. I wish her well. I just don’t know how anybody survives on that amount, to be honest.” Mackenzie prefers to have a B with her illions. She could end up with around…

Read More