Omarosa Violated ‘Lowlife Statute’ With Secret WH Recordings

WASHINGTON – Disgruntled former White House aide Omarosa Manigault Newman is potentially facing legal jeopardy for violating the little-known ‘Lowlife Statute.’ She did so when she admitted in her new book that she secretly recorded Chief of Staff John Kelly in the White House Situation Room. The Lowlife Statute, an obscure law found under Chapter 4 – Backstabbing the President, Section 20MAGA20, subsection b(1) of the federal penal code, states that: “Anyone who is labeled a ‘Lowlife’ by the president, after said lowlife has been dismissed from their government position…

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CNN: Acosta Dodged Sniper Fire, IED’s At Trump Rally

Acosta

TAMPA – According to CNN reporter April Ryan, fellow network reporter Jim Acosta’s life was in danger at a recent rally held here for President Trump and a local politician. After enduring chants from the crowd of “CNN sucks!” Ryan says Acosta is lucky to be alive. Speaking to racist anchor Don Lemon, Ryan said, “It was like a war zone in there. Not only was Jim crawling on his elbows through the crowds to avoid sniper fire from Secret Service, but IED’s had been placed near many of the…

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Proof Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Is REALLY All About Free Stuff

BRONX – In a wide-ranging Q & A session following a recent fundraiser for the Socialist Democratic Party, bartender slash economic guru Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez told an audience just how much she loves free stuff. Call it her Bill Clinton “boxers vs. briefs” moment. Below are some of the questions asked by event attendees, followed by her response in commie red: What’s you favorite word? Freebie. What’s your favorite Tom Petty song? Free Fallin.’ How would you describe your supporters? Free loaders. One more on music. What’s your favorite rock anthem?…

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Lawyer Michael Cohen Achieves Dream Of Becoming Recording Artist, DJ

WASHINGTON – Working under the name “DJ Droopy,” former Trump attorney Michael Cohen has revealed that he always hoped to become a professional disc jockey or recording artist. His dreams are now coming true. Cohen has recorded 183 sessions between himself and various clients (including a few with President Trump) and word is that he’s putting together a mix-tape of some of the tracks to present to Robert Mueller. Though almost through with the editing process, a release date for the new material has not yet been announced. Cohen, who…

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Californians Turn To Sippy Cups In Wake Of Plastic Straws Ban

SACRAMENTO – To save the oceans, California’s government is cracking down on the distribution of plastic straws. The measure has now forced millions of the state’s residents to turn to sippy cups as the next best way to suck beverages from a container. Sippy cup manufacturers are already seeing a 500% increase in demand following the recent plastic straw crackdown. Of course, some are already figuring out ways to get around the ban. The plastic straw black market is booming, with transactions taking place in deserted alleys and darkened movie…

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Democrats’ 2018 Slogan: ‘For the Sheeple,’ ‘For the Illegals’ Almost Win

slogan

WASHINGTON – “For the People” is the new campaign slogan chosen for Democrats during the 2018 midterm election season. But the slogan didn’t win by much. Several other suggestions were wanted by party higher-ups, who felt other taglines better portrayed the vibe of Democrats these days. “We really wanted either ‘For the Sheeple,’ or ‘For the Illegals,’ Party Chairman Tom Perez said. “Most of our supporters are sheeple, so that was a no-brainer. I thought that was a slam dunk. But my co-chair Keith Ellison, and leaders Schumer and Pelosi,…

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FBI Slow Walking Docs Explaining What ‘F’ Means in Strzok Text

WASHINGTON – “Hurry the F up…” is the cryptic message in the latest release of the FBI’s Peter Strzok and Lisa Page’s text messages, relating to their attempt to subvert the election of Donald Trump. However, Congress is trying to determine what the “F” stands for and, once again, leaders in the FBI and DOJ are stonewalling the release of clarifying documents on the issue. Even Inspector General Michael “I Can’t Prove Bias In The Face Of Blatant Bias” Horowitz said there was no way to infer what the “F”…

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Texas Anti-Trump Tough Guy New Face of #MeTool, #WhataDick Movements

SAN ANTONIO – A 30-year old local tough guy, Kino Jimenez, has received endorsement deals to be the face of the new #MeTool and #WhataDick movements. Jimenez flexed his social justice muscles at a Whataburger restaurant this week by ripping the red MAGA (Make America Great Again) hat off a 16-year old kid and cussing the kid out for wearing it. The teenager was minding his own business. The #MeTool movement is the latest hashtag warriorism for liberal dudes who act like tools to people they disagree with – and…

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San Franshitsco Receives 16,000 Feces Complaints In Last 7 Days

NANCY PELOSI HQ – City officials here have logged over 16,000 complaints from residents about the place going to feces due to an out of control homeless problem. Quickly becoming known as The Shitty By the Bay, San Franshitsco is a shining example of what a turd liberalism really is. Pelosi’s Poop Patrol reported many more complaints were received that contained other terms related to feces. Ever since the governor declared California a sanctuary port-a-potty in January, the homeless, illegal aliens, and bucket poopers have been stinking up the place.…

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Unhinged Leftists Demand US Abolish ICE: ICE, Baby

LOS ANGELES – Saying “Ice is gonna be around for a while,” 90’s rapper Vanilla Ice is brushing off demands by leftist activists that President Trump get rid of him. It remains unclear why people angry over immigration policy have suddenly called for the abolition of the former singer. “These protesters are whack, yo,” Vanilla said. “They need to stop…..collaborate and listen. Then, check out the hook while my DJ revolves it. I’m building houses in Florida these days, yo. I don’t have nothin’ to do with any of that…

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