Zuckerberg Promises Cheese To FB Users For Being His Experimental Rats

WASHINGTON – Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg told a congressional committee this week that he plans to offer pieces of cheese to all of his estimated two billion users as a reward for participating in his social media experiments.

The move is seen as a way to appease Facebook users for the company’s recent breach of trust, as well as its ongoing attempt to shape public opinion to agree with the company’s left-leaning views on issues. “I sincerely apologize to our users who had to wait until now to get cheese,” Mark confessed.

Zuckerberg

“I affectionately refer to them (users) as my experimental rats,” Zuckerberg told the panel of Pong-literate politicians. “They willingly provide me with all of their personal data, trust me not to abuse it, and keep coming back for more. Even after we restrict what they can see on their timelines, they keep coming back. They’re very loyal – and easy to manipulate.”

“And if you’re a billionaire – someone who gets the best of everything – like I am,” he continued, “there are some amaaaazing cheeses out there. I plan on giving the fancier cheeses to those users who lean left and see things my way. For conservatives, they’ll get small cubes of run-of-the-mill cheddar, colby jack, or mozzarella. And they’ll like it.”

Mark says it’s the least he can do for users who continue to put up with his company’s ever-changing and biased community standards policies – where those on the left are given a pass and those on the right are censored. So, as you continue to navigate the social media maze, don’t forget to ‘Say cheese!’

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