2017: Hillary Clinton Celebrates Another Year Not Spent in Prison


NEW YORK – “I still don’t know how I did it!” the two-time presidential loser remarked about the fact that she still isn’t in prison as 2018 arrives. “The evidence against me is overwhelming and, after Trump took office, I just knew my luck would run out this year. Thank God for Jeff Sessions, huh?!” As a new year approaches, most people look back to assess whether the closing year was a good one or a bad one for them personally. For Hillary Clinton, the determining factor every year is…

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Vanity Fair Buys Hillary Clinton Rocking Chair for Knitting, Retiring


NEW YORK – Afraid she wouldn’t get the hint from their article begging her never to run for office again, editors at Vanity Fair gave Hillary Clinton a rocking chair for Christmas, in addition to a knitting starter kit, to push her in the right direction. Snitches get stitches. But so do witches and bitches. Mrs. Clinton fits the latter. As everybody knows, the saying “snitches get stitches” refers to the treatment of gang members who, when caught telling on one of their own, are kicked out of the gang and…

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United Airlines Flight Latest to Get She-Jacked


HOUSTON – United Airlines has had a rough 2017, just ask their passengers. Some have been beaten, dragged off and bloodied for attempting to fly on the airline. Now, the sky has a new menace; She-Jackings. Last week, air traffic controllers at Bush Intercontinental Airport were notified that United Airlines flight 788 had been She-Jacked. A She-Jacking is defined by the Federal Aviation Administration as “an incident in which a racist member of Congress, named Sheila Jackson Lee, commits an act of entitlement against passengers on a commercial flight.” Jackson…

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Hallmark Channel Promises to “De-Whiten” Christmas Movies


Regardless of the subject, unless all races, sexes, nationalities, and religions are presented in proper proportions, the American left is going to lose their minds. This year they’ve targeted The Hallmark Channel, whining that their Christmas movies are “too white.” Obviously, this makes each movie unwatchable to anyone who’s not a white heterosexual. Titles such as Enchanted Christmas, Marry Me at Christmas, Christmas Getaway, A Gift to Remember, and The Mistletoe Inn are triggering social justice TV viewers because of their white, hetero cast of characters. Bowing to pressure, The Hallmark…

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Nancy Pelosi Explains That GOP Tax Cuts Are Literal


WASHINGTON – House Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi has been gnashing her teeth and frothing at the mouth non-stop lately over how hurtful the GOP’s tax cut plan will be for the country. She says the reason is that the cuts are literally physical cuts. “These tax cuts will cut a bitch,” Pelosi told reporters. “It’s the most dangerous legislation ever passed by Congress. Seriously, have you seen what’s in this monstrous thing?! You can’t cut taxes without cutting! There are knives, swords, box cutters and razor blades throughout this thing.…

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Amid Allegations, Dustin Hoffman Banned From Ever Making Alabama Senate Run

MONTGOMERY – Civic leaders throughout Alabama are reacting tonight to allegations of sexual misconduct by Hollywood actor Dustin Hoffman, who is being accused of making unwanted sexual advances to several young women – including one who was a teenager at the time. The charges mean that Hoffman, 80, will never be allowed to run for an Alabama senate seat, no matter how badly he might want to. Newly-elected senator Dougie Jones said the state cannot handle another Roy Moore fiasco. State politicians admitted they’ll have to keep a sharp eye…

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Melania Trump Reads ‘Twas the Manwhores Before Christmas

WASHINGTON – Carrying on the Christmas tradition of the sitting First Lady reading a Christmas poem to children, Melania Trump took over the job from Michelle Obama this year. Last year, Mrs. Obama recited her original Christmas tale ‘Twas No Hope Before Christmas,’ https://www.thebarbedwiresatire.com/michelle-obamas-twas-no-hope-christmas/. For 2017, Mrs. Trump read aloud her own Christmas poem, ‘Twas the Manwhores Before Christmas,’ an ode to the sexual predators who have lost their positions of power this year.    ‘Twas the Manwhores Before Christmas ‘Twas the country’s first Christmas, with Trump in “The House” Not…

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Palestinians Plan ‘Day of Tantrums’ to Protest Trump Jerusalem Decision

GAZA STRIP – Leaders of terror group Hamas have urged Palestinians to observe a “Day of Tantrums” today as a way of protesting President Trump’s decision this week to designate Jerusalem the capital of Israel, and to eventually move the U.S. embassy there. The Palestinian people are being asked to stomp their feet, scream, whine, bitch, fold their arms, pout, cry, and roll around on the ground until they get their way as a way of showing their anger over Trump’s announcement. “We thought about calling our protest a ‘Day…

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Congressman Conyers’ Pastor: I Said Put Hands Up ‘High,’ Not Thigh


DETROIT – Even the biggest gropers in our society know not to grope in church. Most of them know, anyway. Representative John Conyers, congressman from Detroit since the Middle Ages, has a new accuser who says he put his hand up her skirt during a church service. Conyers’ pastor wondered if the congressman may be hard of hearing. “I remember that sermon, and I clearly said to the congregation, ‘If the spirit moves you to, put your hands up high,’ not ‘put your hands up thigh.’ Personally, I don’t see…

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Matt Lauer’s Desk, Trap Door Button to Rid Office of Unattractive Females

NEW YORK – When you’re God’s gift to women, you’ve got to be ready at all times. NBC’s latest sex fiend, Matt Lauer, was always ready for action. In the wake of revelations yesterday that the network’s money man has been abusing women and flying his freak flag for years, it was revealed that the star had a button behind his desk for sinister reasons. It turns out that Matt’s desk was his ‘control and command center’ for handling women in “Lauer’s lair.” If an attractive woman was summoned to…

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