Chief of Staff Gen Kelly’s First Words to Trump: ‘Drop and Give Me 50’

WASHINGTON – On the first day at his new job, incoming White House Chief of Staff General John Kelly greeted President Trump in the Oval Office with a handshake. Then he ordered the president to drop and give him 50 push-ups. “Count ’em out, soldier!” Kelly ordered. “Your mama ain’t here anymore. I’m going to whip this White House staff into a lean, mean political machine – or die tryin’.” The president was caught off guard but managed to grind out 12 push-ups before falling to the floor to catch…

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GOP’s McConnell, Ryan ‘Confident We Can Screw Up Tax Reform Too’

WASHINGTON – Still licking their wounds after being humiliated by Senator John McCain (D-AZ) in the latest Obamacare repeal effort, Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell and House Speaker Paul Ryan said they still believe they can fail in the future too. “We still feel extremely confident that we can screw up tax reform, which is coming up next, and anything else that we attempt to tackle on behalf of the American people,” McConnell said. “We don’t know how much longer we’ll have Senator McCain around to help us screw the…

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Hillary Clinton’s New Book to be Titled “Sh*t Happened”

NEW YORK CITY – Hillary Clinton has a new book, coming out in September, in which she claims she will detail what happened that caused her to lose the election to Donald Trump. The title of the upcoming Simon & Schuster release is Sh*t Happened. The publishing firm has also released a list of other possible titles that were submitted by Clinton and her team regarding the 2016 campaign: Close, But No Cigar Huma I Kidding? Diary of a 2-Time Loser Hillary Clinton – Life of a Chronic Blamer Why…

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Democrats Promise ‘A Better Deal’ With Same Wackos In Charge

WASHINGTON – What’s that saying? “The more things change, the more they stay the same?” That’s the game Democrats are playing with the American people as they try to put one over on the low-info crowd. The party’s Dept. of Official Slogan Creation has been working overtime to come up with their latest gem: “A Better Deal.” “Better cliches, better pandering. Papa Schumer.” This rebranding effort is sure to meet with the same success Coca-Cola had with their launch of New Coke in the 1980’s. The hype was crazy for…

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Hawaii, 9th Circuit Judges Temporarily Block Sean Spicer’s Resignation

resignation

WHITE HOUSE – The Trump administration received word late Friday afternoon that Hawaii federal court judge Derrick Watson, along with judges from a 9th Circuit appeals panel, have blocked White House press secretary Sean Spicer’s resignation from taking effect. Spicer tendered his resignation letter Friday morning, basically saying “I am outta here” after the president decided to bring in Wall Street friend Anthony Scaramucci to run his communications department. The move effectively bans Spicer from holding his former job going forward but, again, liberal judges have stepped in and said…

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Already 78, Certifiably Insane Maxine Waters Eyes 2020 WH Run

WASHINGTON – She’s insane, and would be in her 80’s by then, but California nutjob Maxine Waters says she’ll consider a run for the White House in 2020 – if millennials want her to. She’s heading to New Hampshire this weekend for a Democratic party event. “I think it’s important that we have someone in the White House who is already detached from reality,” Waters said. “And I will never stop calling for Trump’s impeachment. In fact, if I’m elected, I’ll impeach him myself on day one of my presidency!”…

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Tests on Lab Rats Show Detrimental Effects of Joe Scarborough’s Music

scarborough

NEW YORK – In case you missed it – lucky you – MSNBC’s former-Republican talk show host, Joe Scarborough, has decided to punish the world by releasing a music video for a song about President Trump. The song is called¬†Mystified, and you will be as well. To prove just how terrible, lame, and sucktastic Joe’s foray into the music world is, a group of lab rats were subjected to the sights and sounds of his video. The results were as dramatic and nauseating as you might have guessed. Of the…

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Mitch McConnell Delays Recess for Congressional Babies

recess

WASHINGTON – Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell broke the bad news to the children in Congress yesterday – no recess time until you buckle down and complete your work. He reminded his colleagues that recess is a privilege, not a right. “Look, I love the jungle gym as much as anybody,” a grim McConnell deadpanned, “But we need to stop playing before we work. Just because that’s how Mr. Obama did things, it doesn’t mean it’s the best way.” Playground bully, Democrat Chuckie Schumer, wasn’t pleased to hear the news.…

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CNN Anchors Admit They Just Like Saying Words “Collusion,” “Dossier”

dossier

ATLANTA – Numerous CNN personalities have admitted off-camera that they understand there is really no evidence of cooperation between Russia and the Trump campaign during the 2016 election cycle. They just really like saying the words “collusion” and “dossier” (doss-i-eh). Alisyn Camerota explained, “I especially like the word ‘dossier.’ It makes me feel European and sophisticated. I even feel like I should be sticking my pinky finger out when I pronounce it! To be honest, I don’t even know what it means, but I read what they put on the…

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MSNBC’s Chris Matthews Appalled by Trump/Putin Manspreading Display

manspreading

NEW YORK – Everyone is in agreement that “manspreading” is the biggest challenge facing mankind, probably since the centuries-old problem of not being able to find men’s dress shirts that look good untucked. Thank God, the owner of UNTUCKit has alleviated the latter. So it was no surprise that MSNBC host Chris Matthews couldn’t get past what he saw during this week’s G20 summit meeting between President Trump and Russia’s President Putin. Matthews felt the need to “mansplain” the incident: “See how both men are spreading their legs open, as…

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