Saudi Arabia Unveils Car Designed for Country’s Newly Driving Women

RIYADH – The Kingdom of Saudi Arabia has finally given the green light for women to drive in that country for the first time. And with the new right comes a specially-designed car – just for the motoring Muslim female. Of course, they’ll have to (Ku)wait to get behind the wheel until next summer. Ba-dum-ba. Introducing the 2018 Arabian Abaya from Mecca Motors Corporation. The brand new model is available in stylish black. Just black. The Abaya is completely covered, except for a small opening over the windshield for the…

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Maxine Waters Says ‘Impeach 45’ Chant Was Reference to Trump’s Jersey Number

WASHINGTON – Football and politics have become insanely intertwined recently. Between all the kneel downs, put downs, first downs and race clowns, America is getting confused about what the protests from NFL players are really all about. Leave it to congresswoman Maxine Waters to clarify things for us. Waters has become known for screeching the chant “Impeach 45! Impeach 45!” at all of her speeches, directed at President Trump. But Aunt Maxie, whose antenna doesn’t pick up very many channels, if you know what we mean, is usually off the…

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Michael Moore Kneels in NFL Solidarity, 4.6 Quake Hits Michigan

NFL

MICHIGAN – Showing his solidarity with NFL social justice players, filmmaker Michael Moore took a knee today to join in protest over the national anthem controversy. Just after Moore took a knee, seismologists at the University of Michigan reported a rare 4.6 magnitude earthquake in the state. While the epicenter was determined to be in the Flint area, the quake was felt as far away as Fort Wayne, Indiana, Akron, Ohio and Houghton Lake in northern Michigan. And while Moore’s kneel down may have affected the most people, he wasn’t…

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John McCain Admits He Has No Conscience

McCain

ARIZONA – Democratic senator John McCain admitted in a statement he released on Friday, regarding his latest effort to save Obamacare, that he has no conscience. McCain said, “I cannot in good conscience support the Graham-Cassidy healthcare bill…..because I don’t have one.” McCain left the Republican Party years ago when he first realized he had no conscience. “I have no idea why I make the decisions I do,” he said, “but maybe that’s what a maverick does, and maybe it’s why the media loves me so much. They don’t have…

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MSNBC’s Lawrence O’Donnell Hates Hammer Time, Hip Hop Music

hammer

NEW YORK – MSNBC anchor Lawrence O’Donnell turned into The Hulk during commercial breaks of his show this week, due to MC Hammer showing up in the studio next door for a performance. Reportedly, O’Donnell was angry about MC not agreeing to appear on his show that night. The seemingly mild-mannered Lawrence was asked whether he hates all hip hop music, or just MC Hammer and his songs. He answered, “Son of a b*tch, that music *#%$* @*!!*&!, ^^#*%& and that +^$$#* @!&%$$ MC &%(**$@*!!!.” Here is a video clip…

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Dems Outraged Trump UN Speech Contained No Bowing, Apologies

NEW YORK – Hospitals nationwide reported a surge in hyperventilation cases being presented by progressives and democrats after President Trump referred to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un as “Rocket Man.” But they were upset by so much more. The following are some of the criticisms voiced by various pundits and Democrats immediately following the president’s address to the United Nations today: 17 year-old former White House spokesboy Josh Earnest – “The president’s speech was foolish, incoherent, and very unObama-like.” CNN contributor David Gergen – “I didn’t see a single bow…

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Jennifer Lawrence’s “Mother!” Bombs So Badly Sequel Already Announced

HOLLYWOOD – Paramount Pictures has announced the Jennifer Lawrence (J.Law) movie mother! (stylized with a lower-case m) has performed so poorly at the box office that the studio just has to make another one. The sequel, tentatively scheduled for a 2019 release date, will be titled mother! f*cker! The sequel title is a nod to the reactions of both Paramount executives and Lawrence when they saw opening weekend numbers for the flop. For Lawrence, the blame for the dismal attendance to the movie can be pinned on one person – President Trump.…

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Gitmo Detainees Forced to Listen to Hillary’s What Happened Audiobook

audiobook

CUBA – Various torture techniques have become controversial over the years for prisoners incarcerated at Guantanamo Bay’s (Gitmo) famous prison. Waterboarding, electric shock and other methods have been criticized for being inhumane. As of today, President Trump has authorized what many feel could be the most sinister torture method ever used at the facility. All prisoners, regardless of their crimes, will have to endure listening to Hillary Clinton recite her endless list of excuses for losing the 2016 election from the audiobook version of her latest literary flop, What Happened.…

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Hillary Clinton Looking Like a Turtle On Book Tour Interviews

NEW YORK – In her first interview for her new book tour, Hillary Clinton looked like an old turtle craning its neck out of its shell as she spewed out more excuses for losing last year’s election to President Trump. Her new book, What the Hell Happened?, will likely move very slowly on the book charts after it’s released this month. She also admitted that despite the pain from her loss, she’s got a tough shell. Clinton munched on raw lettuce, strawberries and carrot pieces throughout the interview. And there were…

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Late Show’s Stephen Colbert Comes Out as Nazi

colbert

NEW YORK – Late night television host Stephen Colbert shocked the entertainment world last night when he came out as a Nazi during his show. The Late Show comedian was in the middle of his monologue when he suddenly gave a Nazi salute. Colbert later explained his actions. “Look, I’ve long felt that progressives were a superior people to conservatives. And, if I could, I’d round up all conservatives and republicans, put them on trains, and send them off to the ovens. My good friend Chelsea Handler has even told…

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