Entertainment Industry Announces 2018 Grabby Nominations

HOLLYWOOD – Awards seasons is starting in earnest this time of year, as entertainers get ready to gather and pat each other on the back(sides) for their work this year. Today, the industry announced nominations for the 2018 Grabby’s. This year’s awards were open to politicians for the first time as well. Harvey Weinstein will be honored with a Lifetime Achievement Award from his peers. The award will pay tribute to the decades of tireless work behind the scenes that Weinstein has spent exploiting women and abusing his position of…

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Conyers, Franken to Lead Congressional Committees of Perverse Politicians

Conyers

WASHINGTON – Self-anointed ladies men, Michigan congressman John Conyers and Minnesota senator Al Franken, have been picked to head the newly created (but much needed) Congressional Committees of Perverse Politicians (CCPP). Conyers will serve as the top Democrat on the House side, while Franken will preside over gropers in the Senate. Conyers, known for taking meetings with staffers in his underwear, says the committees will focus on teaching members of both parties how to spin accusations, smear accusers, and write pretend apologies so they can weather bad press but keep…

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Shoppers Enjoy Black EyeDay at Nation’s Retailers

shoppers

MERICA – The annual tradition of contact shopping is in full swing (no punch intended) today, as Americans celebrate the official opening of the Christmas shopping season with Black EyeDay. Countless shoppers will be pushed, elbowed, kicked, spit on, trampled and bloodied while attempting to score a cheap TV or free blender. Black EyeDay is the closest thing the country currently has to a Purge. It’s survival of the fittest once the doors fling open at stores the day after Thanksgiving, and psychologists say the day is essentially a way…

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Satan Claims Sexually Assaulted By Charles Manson First Day in Hell

HELL – Recently dead cult leader Charles Manson is making himself right at home in Hell. When he walked through the burning entrance yesterday, he told the demons at the gate that he got there as fast as he could. “Got held up about 50 years in prison,” he said. Still, he’s off to a rocky start with his boss. Apparently, Charles walked in like he owned the place. Satan claims that Manson sexually assaulted him as the two were posing for a selfie soon after Manson’s arrival. “That’s pretty…

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Perv Al Franken: The Video Was Funnier, Shows Me Saying Honk, Honk

MINNESOTA – Senator Al Franken, busted today for a photo showing him groping Leeann Tweeden in 2006 while she was sleeping on a flight back from the Middle East, says the public would get the joke if they could just see the video of the incident. “The photo alone makes me look really creepy and perverted,” Franken admitted, “But the video is what everybody needs to see. It’s much funnier. Right after the shot in the photo was taken, I said ‘honk, honk!’ as I squeezed my hands over her…

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Kaepernick to Protest Not Being Named 2017’s Sexiest Man Alive

sexiest

NEW YORK CITY – Popular gossip rag People Magazine is now being protested by former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick. Kaepernick believed he had the title in the bag this year, when the magazine had the nerve to award the “Sexiest Man Alive” title to a white guy instead – The Voice’s Blake Shelton. “This is bullsh*t,” a jilted Colin said. “I just took GQ Magazine’s ‘Citizen of the Year’ award the other day, so this one should have been a no-brainer. I mean, look at me! Is it the ‘fro?…

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Dems Offer Reward For Anyone Finding Their Moral Authority

WASHINGTON – Democratic Party chair Tom Perez has posted an ad in the DC classifieds offering a reward to anyone who knows the whereabouts of the party’s moral authority. Unaware that Democrats lost their moral authority during the Clinton-Lewinsky years of the 1990’s, Perez is hoping someone out there can shed light on its current location. “I’m actually a little embarrassed,” Perez admitted. “We’ve been acting holier than thou when we slam Republicans about their alleged scandals, while looking the other way at misdeeds committed by our own, but I…

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Progressives Detail Guilty Gun’s Timeline in Texas Church Mass Shooting

TWITTERVERSE – The nation’s progressives have determined exactly what caused the tragic mass shooting by an AR-15 in a small Texas town on Sunday. Twenty-six innocents were killed when the gun went berserk and shot up a church in Sutherland Springs, Texas, with dozens more left injured. According to the country’s oracles and keepers of all knowledge, liberal progressives, here is the timeline of the deadly attack: 9:55 am – AR-15 decided today was the day to kill. Gun owner Devin Kelley was startled to awake with the gun pointing…

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President Trump Embarks on Journey to Explore Aja

AIR FORCE ONE – As President Trump heads to the ‘ring of fire’ region of the world, he explained the reasons for his first official trip to the Far East. Trump has always had an affinity for Steely Dan’s Aja (pronounced Asia), and he really wants to delve deeper into the significance of the 1977 album. “I’ve always loved Aja. Heck of an album. Did you know the late great Phil Hartman designed the album cover?” the president asked. “I really love the fusion of jazz, pop and rock those…

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Hillary Hurt Again After Falling Down Most Powerful Women’s List

powerful

NEW YORK – Forbes magazine has published their latest list of the world’s most powerful women, and it saw the once invincible Hillary Clinton tumble and hurt herself again. Mrs. Clinton, the most accident prone candidate in modern political history, of course, had her own version of what caused her to crash and burn. “I was skateboarding down the banister while slamming down my third frappuccino,” Clinton explained, “When one of my wheels slid off the rails and I fell a long way down. I had been near the top…

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