Trump Plans to Live-Tweet During His SOTU Speech

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WASHINGTON – Following the reading of parts of Fire and Fury by Hillary Clinton at the Grammy’s this weekend, President Trump says he will live-tweet during his State of the Union speech Tuesday night. He said he plans to read excerpts from Hillary’s What Happened excuse book as well. When he’s not gesturing with his hands during his speech, he’ll be feverishly working his thumbs behind the podium to tweet about Jay-Z, Eminem, Joy Behar, Anna Navarro and many others. “I can maintain focus on letting the country know how…

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President Trump to Give State of The Onion Speech Tuesday

WASHINGTON – Next Tuesday, President Trump will give the American people an update on the state of the satirical website The Onion. The annual State of The Onion address will give the president an opportunity to explain the differences between satire and fake news. A number of Democrats in Congress have already announced their plans to boycott the president’s speech, citing their lack of a sense of humor as the main reason. Some media members, including Joe Scarborough and Mika, Joy Reid, Chris Matthews and the entire CNN lineup, will…

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Cecile Richards Plans to Abort Planned Parenthood From Herself

WASHINGTON – Deciding her position as president of Planned Parenthood has become an inconvenience to her, baby butcher Cecile Richards has decided to abort the organization in a ceremony in front of her fellow PP employees. Richards will have a scaled-down replica of a Planned Parenthood clinic shoved up her vagina, after which a PP abortion doctor will use forceps to crush the model of the clinic and extract the structure piece by piece through Richard’s nether region. The procedure will be televised to all PP clinics around the country…

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Democrats Hope ‘DACA Alpaca’ Mascot Will Solicit Sympathy for Illegals

WASHINGTON – With their Dreamers crushed after their government shutdown strategy backfired, Democrats have announced plans to attach a face to the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA) movement, in hopes of pulling at heartstrings to gain sympathy for their pet cause. The new mascot is the DACA Alpaca, a group of sweater-wearing Alpacas who strayed across the border while following their mama. The alpacas entered the country illegally, having never gone through a Fish & Wildlife checkpoint or wandering into a US Customs and Immigration Office. The DACA Alpacas…

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Tricky Dicky Durbin Warns of Possible Government S***down

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WASHINGTON – Admitting he doesn’t like using the 4-letter word “sh*t,” Senator Tricky Dicky Durbin said today that he thinks the country is headed for a government s***down this weekend. Durbin is the senator who famously unleashed a s***storm of controversy over supposed s***hole comments made by President Trump in a meeting last week. “With all the s*** going on at the moment – this DACA s***, amnesty, that s*** about a wall, chain migration – I just don’t see how both sides are going to come together in agreement…

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After Physical, Media Crushed That Trump Not On Deathbed

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WASHINGTON – A dispirited media had to agonize through a nearly one-hour press conference by President Trump’s doctor, in which he informed them the president is in excellent health. Mr. Trump endured a full physical, lab work, and a mental competency test last Friday. After hearing the terrible news (to them) that Trump is not on his deathbed, members of the media relentlessly peppered the doctor with questions they hoped would provoke some tidbit of information they could twist to use against President Trump. Some of the questions shouted by…

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Bradley Manning’s Alter-Ego to Run for US Senate in Maryland

BALTIMORE – The boy named Chelsea/Bradley Manning, who was jailed for stealing classified government documents, before being given a get-out-of-jail-free card by Barack Obama, has filed paperwork to enter and lose the race for a U.S. senate seat in Maryland. Bradley, who pretends to live as a woman, said that if he wins the senate seat in November, he may decide to become a congressman instead. “I might decide to switch.” He plans to run as a Democrat, of course. Manning believes his experience in stealing classified information will be…

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Trump Explains Shithole Comment to Shithead Media

DC – Members of the fake news media are running around with their heads on fire tonight after what they perceive to be a racist comment by President Trump. During a meeting with lawmakers on immigration today, Trump asked aloud why America is accepting so many people from “shithole countries” like Haiti and places in Africa. He then said he would rather have people coming from Norway instead. Norway’s population is mostly white. Haiti and Africa consist of mainly black people. That’s all the media needed to hear. They’re now…

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CNN Poll: Oprah 60% Jesus 28% Trump 12% for 2020

ATLANTA – CNN sees 2020 as the second coming of Oprah for president. Even Jesus couldn’t beat her. And Trump might as well quit now. That’s the result of the network’s latest poll on possible presidential candidates for the next election cycle. Anchor Jake Tapper said CNN polled 896 random viewers of their network. The margin of error for the poll was +/- 25%. Digging through the data, some insights among those polled were discovered: Breakdown by political affiliation of those polled – 55% Democrat, 35% Independent, 10% Republican. This…

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Black Dresses Newest Defense Weapon Against Sexual Assault

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LOS ANGELES – Following the success of Hollywood actresses at the Golden Globes Awards show last weekend putting an end to sexual harassment, self-defense experts are urging all women to wear black dresses whenever they leave the house as the latest way to ward off potential assaults. “If you’ll notice,” Consuela Jackson of Beverly Hills Jiu-Jitsu Club remarked, “There was not one single rape or sexual assault of any of the actresses who wore black dresses to The Globes the other night. I think that speaks volumes.” Most experts are…

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