Supreme Court Retirement Sends Shingles Up Chris Matthews’ Leg

shingles

MSNBC – As news of Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy’s retirement came across the MSNBC fake news desk – along with the realization that President Trump will get to pick his replacement – host Chris Matthews said he felt shingles running up his leg. “As the reality of this moment in our nation’s history sunk in,” Matthews stated, “I felt this intense, itching rash running up my leg. It was completely different from the tingle Obama gave me. This time, there were fluid-filled blisters involved. It was disgusting. “And the…

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Michael Moore Endures 2-Hour Hunger Strike Protesting Border Enforcement

MICHIGAN – Joining a number of Hollywood celebrities who think hunger strikes will somehow translate into open border immigration policy, filmmaker Michael Moore added his name to the list of those who have suffered for their cause. “I want the southern US border to be like the border to my mouth……always open,” Michael said, between spoonfuls of Blue Bell ice cream. Moore was recuperating from a nail biting, 2-hour personal hunger strike. “It was touch-and-go during that second hour. I almost broke 59 different times. Somehow, I managed to power…

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Maxine Waters Wants Separate Restrooms, Drinking Fountains For Conservatives

Waters

LOS ANGELES – Insane congresswoman Maxine Waters (D-Dumbass) today called for conservatives and Republicans to be treated like second-class citizens. She told supporters to harass Trump supporters in restaurants, department stores and gas stations, and everywhere else they can. “These people (Trump supporters) don’t deserve to be treated like the rest of us!” she shouted to a crowd of social justice warriors. “In fact, they need to be forced to use separate restrooms and drinking fountains, in my opinion. Personally, I can’t stand to be anywhere near them.” Maxine has…

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Immigrant Child Cries Because Trump Can’t Make Her Country Great Again Too

US SOUTHERN BORDER – Time magazine has immortalized the image of a young immigrant child as she first learns that Donald Trump cannot be president in her home country – and can’t make her country great again too. The picture, showing the American president engaged in a conversation with a Central American toddler, captures the moment the realization hits the youngster that Trump cannot be in charge of her country as well. “I’m sorry, sweetie, but if the terrible leaders in your country would just follow my example, they could…

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George Will Exits Republican Party, Registers As Asshole

WASHINGTON – Former establishment Republican wordsmith George Will has officially left the GOP. The poor man’s William F. Buckley, Will recently changed his party affiliation from “Republican” to “Asshole.” Progressives are hailing Will’s move to the dark side, but they don’t understand that Never Trumpers like Will, Bill Kristol, Anna Navarro, and others who pose as conservatives on network news shows, have not been considered Republicans for quite some time now. In fact, if these people revealed their true beliefs, they know they would lose their sweet gigs as so-called…

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Skyscraper Raccoon’s Friends: Dude’s Always Been Adrenaline Junkie

ST. PAUL – A raccoon took a dare from a skunk who bet him he couldn’t scale a nearby 2-story house. The raccoon laughed, and then climbed to the top of a 25-story, city skyscraper. The embarrassed skunk slipped into the woods and hasn’t been seen since. But why did the raccoon do it? According to some of his forest friends, the raccoon has always been a little ‘off.’ “Dude’s always been an adrenaline junkie,” one jackrabbit said. “I’ve known him since we were little. He was always base jumping…

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Imprint Left After Trump Defeats France’s Macron in Thumb Wrestling

imprint

CANADA – At this week’s G7 summit in Quebec, French President Emmanuel Macron tried to assert his dominance over President Trump by engaging in a surprise thumb wrestling contest. The dual lasted less than 7 seconds and left an imprint of Macron’s digit on Trump’s hand. According to White House spokesperson Sarah Sanders: “The president did not appreciate President Macron’s sad attempt at trying to out-alpha him. When Mr. Macron launched his unprovoked thumb wrestling attack, President Trump used several rope-a-dope thumb maneuvers to quickly subdue Macron and end the…

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